Happy Holidays

Hey all, happy holidays! Hope you all have had Christmases as nice as mine has been. My sister is out of town for the week and so we have her hoodlums for the weekend (they are with Nana and Grampa the other days -- Jim's parents). Oh! The reason I was all about my sister the other day -- the reason I was thinking she's kind of cool -- is that she did a project with her kidlets this year that I thought was pretty nifty: a Jesse Tree. I'd never ever heard of one before, but it might look something like this:Basically it is a tree of scripture which traces Jesus' lineage and prophesies His coming. It's sort of cool, if you like that sort of thing. And I do.

Okay, so I have a question for you all. I have food on my mind as I discovered a newly-opened Tokyo Express close to my mam's. My mouth salivates at the very thought of it. Oh, I'm going to my happy place. I was fasting today, so when I went there with my father, I could only stare lustfully at his meal. Oh, it makes me sad just remembering. Anyway, I thought to myself, if I could only eat one dish for the rest of my life, it would be a Tokyo Express salmon rice bowl with extra sesame sauce. Oh manna. Actually, if that was manna, I tell you the Israelites would have never whined about the lack of variety. So my question to you is the same: If you could eat only one dish for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Melanie On My Mind

My sister likes to think she's pretty funny. I try not to encourage her too much, or her jokes start getting pretty, um odd, we'll say. And I also try not to let on that I think she's cool, even when she manages to pull off something that is pretty impressive. Don't want her thinking she's getting bigger than her britches. But my sister (Melanie -- stop reading here) is actually pretty awesome. I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to blog about her. So let you introduce you to my greatest friend, ally and competition. This is Melanie:

1. Amazing mother of three kids five and under. She somehow finds time and energy to raise three intelligent, musical little punks (yeah, have you ever met a kid who, when listening to music says, "Hey mum, is this a minor chord," AND IT IS?), running between kindergarten, music lessons and other various day-to-day things without using a TV daily or DVD in the car. She is hard on herself, as many mums are, but if her kids are a reflection of her parenting (which of course they are), then anyone would agree she must be doing a great job. Oh yeah, and she's due again in the spring. Make that four kids five and under.

2. Super Scholar (or super-nerd at least). Melanie is currently working on her Master's Degree in Music Education. Working her tail off, she is dissatisfied with anything less than an A+. Not that the GPA changes from A to A+ (both count as a perfect 4.0), but if she doesn't receive that + she will talk to the instructor afterwards to find out where she could have improved. Yeah.

3. Crafty Lady Extraordinaire. Quilter, Artist, but mainly a Scrapbooker, this woman somehow finds time for fun in the midst of this already crazy-busy life. She has been coordinating a scrapbook club for more than a year, and is a Close to My Heart demonstrator. She doesn't sell to people other than her closest friends and family -- partners in scrapping -- but seriously, how could she find the time? Her works are beautiful. To scrap well, your really do need to be an artist. And she is.

4. Preacher girl. Not just to me, and well, everyone who will listen as she imparts her own special brand of wisdom on our lives. She has led Sunday bible studies, home groups and now the church has given her an official platform doing the odd sermon at church. She did one this summer, and another in the fall. She does (though don't let her know I've said so) know a fair bit, so I'll give her credit there, but unlike her own view of self, she does not know everything.

5. Friend. I love my sister. She is my oldest friend. Well, I guess technically my mam is, seeing as we were bonding while I was in utero. But my sister is the one who poked my eyes when I came home from the hospital, to see if I was real. She was the one who played with me throughout my childhood - building forts, snow forts, Lego projects; inviting me to come with her to birthday parties; playing MBG's with me (Make-Believe-Games) that we were orphans like on Annie. Introducing me to her friends in high school, to Young Life, to Jesus. Being my encourager and conscience. Could there exist a better friend than the person willing to come over everyday while you're home with a newborn who won't latch? Just to teach me how to do it right? I think not.

I love my sister. I hope that Jonah will be as good to his sister as mine has been to hers.

A Reason to Blog

I have spent the last many months not knowing what to write. Shell-shocked and internalizing all my thoughts, I didn't know how to regurgitate them here. But now great news has come and I am failing to subdue the hope that is welling within me. Referrals have started. I can't believe it. From what I had thought was the death of the agency to the phoenix-like resurrection, I am in awe. In a mere five months, we have gone from despair to hope to joy.
Two families (that I know of) received their referrals yesterday. I got an email from M saying that the Ethiopian end had reapproved the agency and that referrals could once again commence. I emailed asking if it meant that referrals would come right away or if they would wait until a transition home was established before they would start. Her response? They had already begun. In my mind, the flood gates are opened. And while I know that it is really much more likely to be a trickle as it was before July, I am again hopeful. Is it possible that my referral may come sometime around the start of summer holidays? Could it be that my sweet girl may, by God's grace, be home for Christmas? I don't dare hope. But I can't stop myself. I acknowledge that the people ahead of me in line according to the Y! Group has increased since the near-death of Imagine, but I'm not too far behind where I was before. I had been hopeful that my referral would be coming any day (had the agency not tanked), and now it seems, everything has been delayed 5 months or so.
Is it okay to hope? I guess it doesn't matter if it is or isn't. It's coming.
P.S. I got my yellow belt this week, without even a puddle. At the beginning of the week, I really believed that would be the best part of the week. I never even guessed that referrals were on the horizon.

Nightmares

My favorite guy has picked up what seems like an enormous vocabulary for a four-year old. He was giving me a play-by-play as he moved his Buzz Lightyear in the living room the other day, and he used the word "automatically" a couple of times. There was another word in there that surprised me too, but I can't remember it right now. Then this morning, he asked,
J: Does God bring Christmas presents?
M: No.
J: Jesus?
M: No.
J: So what? Do they just fall randomly from the sky?
I'm not even kidding. What a funny kid.
We've started praying again for my sweet girl. Somewhere in Ethiopia, possibly not even conceived yet. It had been a long stretch over the summer when I only prayed alone about her. I didn't want to even bring it up with Jonah because I didn't know that she would come at all. Now we're saying that when he is six, he will surely have a sister at home. I hope that is very conservative. But who knows. They won't be close in age like I had hoped, but he will definitely remember the day he first met her, as he gets older.
I've decided on a New Year's Resolution. One that I'm excited about keeping and have thought about for some time. Actually, I want it to be more of a lifestyle thing and a mostly permanent deal, but I'll start for sure after Christmas. I am not going to be buying things new anymore, well except for food, gas, underwear, and a few select things. But other clothes? Toys? Household appliances? Vehicles (not that I'll need a new one any time soon)? I'm committing myself to shopping in thrift stores, classified, and kijiji-type websites. And I'm allowed to make some stuff myself.
I've had marriage on my mind lately. Jonah's dad is getting hitched January 2. I'm actually really sad about it, though Lord knows in my mind, I don't want to be with that guy. But my heart is still a little scarred. Yes, it has been four and half years since we split, but still. I had a dream about it last night. That we fell in love again but he had already made plans to marry her and so he did anyway. I woke up with my stomach churning. I don't know why I feel like this. He's been pretty friendly as of late, which is good, but it dredges up old things. Hey family - if you are reading this - I don't want you to comment. Pretend like you never read this. Anyway.
A positive right now: I've been taking Taekwondo a couple times a week, and though I'm exactly as chubby as when I started, I'm really enjoying it. And my instructor told me I can take my belt test next week, so I am pumped (and actually, a bit surprised). Yellow belt, here I come. The only thing I'm nervous about is that I have to do it in front of all these students and parents that I know from school. That and we have to show we can spar. It's a lot of bouncing up and down, which my bladder doesn't love. And it's a test, not in-class practice, so I can't excuse myself to run to the bathroom. Now I'm having nightmares about marriage AND peeing my pants in front of a crowd. Awesome. In fact, I have to decide today if I will in fact take the belt test, because I'm, yeah, stressed out is putting it mildly.
I apologize if that was too much information.

Detroit

Here I am living the good life visiting my aunt and uncle in Detroit. I'm having such a nice relaxing time -- took a personal day and medical day (when I get back around noon) and with a long weekend, have four days to spend with some of my favorite people. We went to the Always Christmas store in Rochester, and are going tonight to see the Christmas lights on main street. Add to that chatting with family, meeting my cousin's little sweetie, and shopping on Black Friday weekend in the States, and I'm having a swell time. Actually managed to find a Christmas present for my not-so-easy-to-shop-for-sister, and a little something for my little sister too.
I finally, FINALLY got my cashola off to the agency, only to find out later that the address I used is wrong. So I emailed J to let her know that it is coming, and to get the proper address, and it still should get there a-okay, but I just need to scan and email her copies of my mailing slip and money order so she can be certain that it is coming. I asked when I talked to her today, how things were looking, and with a smile in her voice she told me that she couldn't say but that we would know soon. Soon. Hopefully in the next day or so.
Wish us all luck that our adoptions may continue, and I will post pics of our wonderful weekend soon.

One Year, One Day.

Ahhh, life. That was a sigh, not a scream. Life is good. Now that we are back on track, my perspective is no longer all out of wack. I can wait. I wish I didn't have to, but it's okay. She will come. If she doesn't, my heart may shrivel like an old prune, but I'm not thinking of the what ifs. I'm back to thinking of the whens. When my sweet girl is finally in my arms, I think I'll have waited so long that the whole deal may seem a little surreal. But on the other hand, it'll realen up in a hurry. That's right, "realen." Yesterday was one year since my dossier landed safe and sound in Ethiopia. Okay, so a year ago, I really was silly enough to think I'd be in the final stages of waiting to collect my girl by now. Oh, naive me. A few months after my dossier arrived, I started to wisen up that it might be not until early 2010 before I got my referral. And I dealt with it okay. The wait wasn't killing me like it does some. And now. Well. I'm waiting. I'll be waiting. Probably still a year from now. But I'm not thinking of that either. I'm staying focused. One day she will come. She'd better, or what will I do with all this stuff I bought her! I say that sarcastically of course.
She will come. One year. One day.

Contact

Hallelujah, we've had contact! I finally received an email from my agency yesterday. Yep, I have an agency again. All right. It's hard to say how long it will be before anything actually starts moving and referrals start coming in -- probably not until spring from what I've gleaned from various sources. I'm so passive and "whatever"at this point that I'm okay with whatever happens. Life will continue on and at some point, I will become the mother of two. Hey, it's all good. I'm feeling better now that I have some perspective. I am determined to continue living life and even possibly changing jobs.
I am encouraged by contact though. I'm glad to here Imagine is back, and just hope they make wise choices, and that each family who voted to continue will fork over the cash. My mam offered to pay the extra cost. I won't let her, but I'm pretty blown away by the generosity. Hopefully I can keep up my current level of patience and optimism. I was doing just fine at 8+ months into the wait before the bottom fell out from under us all.

A Song in my Heart

What's going on? Two posts in as many days? Wow.
I couldn't help but be uplifted this morning when I woke up to my favorite guy cuddled up next to me, as he awoke and immediately burst into song! How can I not wake up on the right side of the bed? He woke up singing, and throughout the morning as we got ready for the day he continued. He didn't have all the words right, but these are them. (I actually caught it on my camera video as I snuck up behind him coloring, but I have no idea how to put it on my blog. If you know, you could feel free to advise me. I know how to get it onto the computer, but that's it.)

Be My Guide
by Brian Thiessen

Be my guide, God of Abraham
Lead me by Your hand, You are strong and wise,
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise

How I love You,
Great and Mighty King
You are faithful,
Through the ages You never change

Be my guide in the dark of night,
Set all fear to flight, You are hope and truth,
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise.

Be my guide for the road ahead
And should I feel misled, You are just and good
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise.

It is the song I've been singing, humming and whistling since Sunday. I suppose he was bound to catch it!

No, I have not ceased to exist

Well, it's been about a hundred years since I last wrote anything, and anyone who did follow along may have long ago lost interest. I have. Instead of writing, I continue to read about other people's lives.
I am sort of lost right now which is why I have not posted. I am planless in life. At crossroads, and not sure which way to turn. I had felt very sure that what I should be doing is missions work and so I explored my option there and continue to do so. I have looked at fostering but seeing as I have no idea where I'll be a few months down the road, it doesn't seem like a good call. I don't want to be another notch in a child's belt; another home to stay at before being ejected. If I foster, I want it to commit to it for a good chunk of time. I'm not sure I'm there right now, so that thought is on hold. There's a job in Nanaimo that I'm still working through applying for. They want my transcripts and so I'm waiting for those to come. And then just yesterday, my mam called and told me to sent in my application to E-town (where all the people I love live), because the school board is advertising. That NEVER happens! So as soon as my transcripts arrive, I will send them off with my application, and we'll see where that road leads.
Hard to say at this point which way I'll go. I still have yet to hear from Imagine or BDO which makes sense -- they are in the early stages of rebirth still -- but it's hard to just sit tight. When I think that it may well be still two years before I hold my girl, I'm discouraged to the point of giving up. Don't worry, I won't actually give up, but it hurts my heart to think of it. My guy will probably be six before he gets to be a brother. And I'll be 34. It's not old, but it's older than I had hoped for.
Anyway. Didn't want to be all sad and boring, but whatever. I'll buck up another day. If you need something to make you laugh, go HERE. I laughed aloud. This makes me want a husband.

The Plan Passed.

Well, the plan passed on Monday with 93% support. I am super excited, but you will notice a shortage of exclamation marks in this post, even though the event merits them. I am so hopeful, but I am numb too. I mean, I so want things to move forward. SOOOO want things to move forward. But after this dip in the road, it's hard to be totally convinced. I am eager to send off my first payment to get the ball rolling, but am very reserved with my excitement. I haven't told anyone except close friends and family that it passed for fear of having to tell friends later that yep, it was supposed to move ahead, but then it didn't work out. I am not a pessimist. I so rarely take any road besides optimism. But I'm a little scared to be optimistic. So don't think I'm Debbie Downer. I'm really not feeling that way; just feeling cautious.
And I am moving ahead. Sent off that application for a teaching job in Nanaimo, but haven't yet heard back besides confirmation that they'd received it. I'm really hoping they will call though.
Another ball in the air for me is that I've made the decision to look into fostering. My mam is a foster parent and I know the good it can do, and I know the need that there is. I mean, I'm not going to take in kids with severe behaviors or predators who could turn my sweet guy into a victim; I know that there are some risks. But there are risks with anything, and parenting is about minimizing the big ones. I know kids in care who are amazing and just got the crap end of the stick. So I think if I don't get the job in BC, I will foster here. I'll take a break when my girl comes home, but that could be some time, so I'll let someone else borrow her room in the meantime. Not all the stuff I've set aside for her. Just her room. Our bonus [foster] child will have special stuff that I'm picking out just for him or her. I think it'll be a good thing.
I am sure that God has a plan. And he is faithful and I know all will work out for good. But I don't know what that good will be, so for now, I'll just be quiet and trust in Him. Do you hear that God? I'm trusting in you.

Untitled

I'm too tire to think of a title. And apparently too tired to put a "d" on tired. Things are plonking along. The new school year is in full swing, as are my allergies. Seasonal allergies in Fall? I guess. Something's setting me off, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe dust. I need to dust. But it's not so dusty in my house that I should be reacting. You can't even see build up so... yeah. But I'm tired of sniffing like a coke addict so maybe I need to see a doctor and figure out what it is I need to avoid. I'm honestly worried that my demise will be at the hands of my allergies. Not any time soon, but you never know what's going to mark the end of you. My friend's grandpa died this summer from an ingrown toenail infection. Seriously. What are the odds? I bet as a strapping young fellow of 25, he never even considered that his toe would take him down.
Anyway. Not feeling morbid or anything, but you'd sure think so by that start!
Some good news - non-adoption related - is that Jonah and I are starting to take Tai Kwon Do this year together. It's going to be super fun. But I'm with Jonah in the 5-8 year-old class (because he's only turning 5 in April 2010). So that might be humbling at times, but hopefully I will be able to run as fast as my "peers." If I was in the adult class, I'd feel like the fat kid who can't keep up. But with the little guys I'll be the big kid. I'd rather be the big kid. And hopefully doing Tai Kwon Do twice a week, by the time Jonah is on his own in class and I'm with the grown-ups, I won't be fat at all.
What else? Oh. Jonah said the funniest thing to me in the morning about a month ago. He came into the room and this is the conversation:
J: Guess what? My pull-up's dry! Yep. Dry as a monster!
M: What? Are monsters especially dry?
J: I don't know.
M: Usually people say, "Dry as a bone."
J: Oh. Well, I'm dry as a bone!
In hindsight, I wish I hadn't corrected him. So random and funny.
So. The plan. I don't know how to feel. Good I guess, because it is moving forward, likely. Not thrilled that this has happened at all though. But no point sulking about it. I'm bummed that my kids are going to be so far apart in age. Of course, I'm not adopting a playmate for Jonah, but it would be nice if my daughter was also a playmate for Jonah. When I started, it seemed like they'd be about 3.5 years apart. Then four with the changing timelines. Now 5, 5+? Who knows? I wish I'd listened to those who months ago offered me advice when I'd asked -- about moving to BC. Would it complicate my adoption? A bit, but at this point who cares? It's not going to get too much more complicated. So I'm applying. There's a job opening in Nanaimo in the second half of the school year. What's the point of putting my life on hold anymore? Life goes on. I've got to move with it.

Pictures!! (finally)

Okay, so I may have promised pictures, like, two months ago, but who's counting? Here they are (with few words):

At the Monster Truck thing in June:

Cotton Candy Goatee

Mt. Robson (on the way to Vancouver) in July:

Vancouver - July:

Poking anemones (gently) at the Van Aquarium

Much cheaper entertainment in Stanley Park

At my friend Maggie's wedding (Jonah was a ringbearer) - still July (only the first week too!):

Off-duty

Paddleboating with my sisters and the neighbor in Edmonton in July:

Jonah hanging with my cousin's kids (who we call Jonah's cousins) in August:

Sweet cottage life in Ontario (August):

Me and Jonah

Fishing with Grandpa

At the sweetest camp ever -- Rockridge Canyon (a Young Life camp) last week:

Jonah and his cousins

Yes, that is a couple of walking iPods

Jonah and Miriam

Getting ready to go with Jonah on the longest zipline in Canada (at Rockridge):

Ontario

Well, here we are in Ontario, living the good life and visiting family. Don't know yet what will come of my adoption, but the next few weeks and months will hopefully bring (if nothing else) clarification. Waiting, praying and enjoying the summer. Pictures to follow soon (really this time).
Hope you all are loving summer as much as I am.

Greed

You know, I can be a naturally guilty sort of person. It's not that I think things revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if things happen in this world because of me. You know the story of Jonah? How God told him to go to Nineveh and tell the people of Him? And instead he went to Tarshish via boat. And then the storm came up and everyone prayed to their gods except Jonah who was trying to hide from his God, and he realized the storm was because of him. That the others just needed to toss him overboard and the storm would calm. And it did.
Well, I had honestly been wondering if what happened with Imagine may have been because I wasn't listening to God well enough. That because I felt Him calling me to missions or fostering or whatever, and my response was, "Just wait. I need a few more months or a couple of years," maybe He got tired of me ignoring Him. And so he took that which put my life on hold and shook it up like a storm. I know that this may sound crazy to some, and if it does, don't comment please. But I've been wondering if I just leave my girl behind me and do those things, maybe the storm will settle. I really don't want to though, and I can't help thinking I'm crazy to think it, but still it's there in my head.
But then I read THIS. I don't think this is God's work. This bullsh-- is the result of greed, selfishness and irresonsibility of the big cheeses at Imagine. I'm so pissed I'm in tears. I can't believe that people can be so careless when it comes to others, children, and the pursuit of family. Brutal.

Waiting and Making Plans

Well, this is a sort of limbo period for all of us pre-referral folks. I know there is a lot of talk about taking over Imagine, but I don't know for certain that anything will really come of it. I'm very hopeful, so don't interpret this as me being Downer Debbie, but yeah. Who knows. I am curious though, if it does happen, what will the additional cost be? I mean, I'm not really expecting to get money back when I file a claim... well not much anyway, and so I figure I'll essentially be out the fifteen I've spent. So then what? Will I have to repay some? I mean, a company resurrected from bankruptcy will still have no money, am I wrong? So... yeah. I mean, I'm willing to pay extra especially when the option is losing fifteen. But how much will it cost, I wonder. I can't afford another fifteen... not even close!
A couple of potential positives, maybe, I don't really know. I would think that the order of referrals in a resurrected Imagine would be the same as when they went under, no? And since all the present inhabitants of the TH are being hustled out of there as soon as they can based on court and immigration, the latter of which is faster than normal, when/if Imagine restarts, that could mean a number of referrals right away. I'm trying to stay positive. If you feel like I'm grasping, point it out gently please. I'm a little sensitive right now.
If it doesn't go, I think I might not pursue adoption anymore. I really don't want to think it possible, but I just can't imagine it. I wouldn't be able to afford the international route again, and even though I would have probably gone through the Alberta government's Foster-to-Adopt program from the start, had I known how successful most placements are, I now have in my head a picture of my Ethiopian girl, and to replace her with a Caucasian or Aboriginal girl just feels wrong. It's not about race; it's about my expectations that I have long had for my family. I have imagined my girl for the last couple of years and it's too much to think of anyone else filling her shoes. I feel like, my girl is out there, somewhere, and she is meant to be with me. All the clothes and toys I have bought for my girl are for that someday-girl I'd imagined. I can't imagine giving them to anyone else.
So a couple of options lay ahead of me now:
1. If it is a go, and somehow, miraculously, this all still works out, than my life will continue as planned. I will live in this town I don't love, working at a job I don't love, enduring until my girl is home.
2. If it all falls apart, my life will come unpaused. I have put a hold on my life for a couple of years in anticipation of this adoption, in spite of advice from people commenting who said, "Don't do it!" and I will not do it anymore. If it doesn't go (my stomach flipped just thinking of it), then I will quit my job as soon as a missions position comes up. I have wanted to do missions for years, but have felt like life has gotten in the way. I've put it on the backburner for relationships, Jonah, this adoption, the idea that so many of us have that I need to store away like the ant, get a home, car, stable career, etc. before I can do what I'd love. So many people waiting for retirement to do what they love. Well, I'm not waiting 30 years! It's not going to happen. So either I start my missionary life in the next few months, or in a few years when my someday-girl is a little bigger. Either way, I'm done putting it off.
I'm brushing up on the Old Testament now, because even though I imagine I'll be teaching when I go, I'll want to be solid in my knowledge of scriptures and be able to defend my faith.
Life is good.
It will all work out one way or another.
Hoping and praying for the one way, but satisfied with the other.

What's the News? Fill me in!

I don't really know what's going on. I saw on Canada AM this morning that the Ontario government has agreed to step in and supervise the running of Imagine until all files are completed. Did I hear right? Is that right? And does that only include those who are waiting for court and Visas? Or is that also the lowly waiting-for-referral-folks like me who have been completely forgotten in this? That wasn't meant to sound bitter. I'm just trying to be hopeful not to get hopes up? Is that right? Somebody please fill me in on the news. I am so out of it. No idea.

Later... I can't find that news anywhere. Please someone, tell me I didn't dream it.

Wait. What???

Shocked. Nauseated. What else to say?

Delayed

Okay, I guess I lied when I said I'd get pics up right away. But fear not... they are coming. I'm sure nobody's even caring, but you know, I don't want to seem like a liar.

Out of the Loop

So apparently I have been away far longer than I'd thought. What with finals, report cards and a flash-and-dash trip to the coast last week, time has been flying. In fact, I've been telling people as recently as last week that I am 7 months into the wait, when in fact last week I busted past the eight month mark. Yay me! So much to write about, but so little desire to sit behind a computer, seeing as I am on holidays. becuz i dont hav to teech im goin to tak a brak from rules of speling and gramar and watnot and just let mi brane turn of. o ya thats th gud stuf. actule thats even harder unthinin then thinkin so now im goin to stop. So, instead of writing, IF anyone is still checking in, I promise to post pictures of the most recent activity here at the H---- Family Household. I can only guarantee captions, but hey, a picture is worth a thousand words and that works for me. Besides, I love looking at other's pictureful posts, but rarely are mine that way. Soon. Like, give me a day to upload.
Happy Summer All!!!

Poo.

If your stomach is weak, this one might not be for you.

So I'm working in my garden yesterday after school, while my favorite boy is inside. I come in, and smell poo. I go into the bathroom, and all over the floor, wall, counter, toilet seat... poo. The floor is wet and toilet unflushed, and I have never had this happen before, so I call Jonah in.
M: What happened in here????
J: I pooed.
M: Why is it all over Jonah? It's on the wall and floor, and oh, look at my jammies! Why is there poo on my jammies? Why is the floor wet? Did you dump water out of the toilet?
J: No, that's pee.
M: Why is there pee on the floor???!!
J: I peed on the floor.
M: Jonah! I - What - ? Wh - ? !!! (speechless now)
J: (face crumbling) You're mad at me.
M: (finally realizing my boy had been explosively sick and had not made it to the toilet, and had then tried to clean up -- using my jammies as rags) No I'm not mad. I surprised that there is poop all over. I'm surprised you used my jammies to clean up. No I'm not mad.
J: (needing a hug, but having a mother who is unwilling at the moment) I tried to clean it up.

And so my boy proceeded to go directly into the shower, while I got elbow-deep. Yuck.
Waiting parents: doesn't this make you eager to dive in? I tell you, I love my sweet guy, but boy, this is not what I signed up for! Well I guess it is, but it's not my favorite part. I've washed the jammies well, but am not sure I'll ever wear them again (shudder!)

Satisfied at Seven

Seven months. Yep. What else can I say?

A Song for My Girl

I have finally found the most perfect lyrics for my someday-girl. I like to find songs for my babes that are, in my mind, all them. I haven't yet found the perfect on for my boy, although the one I always think of for him is a Shawn MacDonald rap, which always, without fail, brought him peace, even as a little shmoo. The lyrics are not about him, but I still think of it as his. This one though, is all about my girl. When I sing it, it makes my heart swell to think I'll sing it to her in my arms one day.

Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks

They didn't have you where I come from

Never knew the best was yet to come

Life began when I saw your face

And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep

To hold you close and feel your breath on me

Tomorrow there'll be so much to do

So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world

In search of all things beautiful

You can close your eyes when you're miles away

And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Six Months

So this week marks six months in the wait for a referral! Six months…
Six months ago, I thought I’d have my referral well on its way at this point
Five months ago, I was getting ready for Christmas, thinking to myself, “Next year there will be three of us.”
Four months ago, I was ringing in the New Year, telling my sweet boy that this would be the year he would become a brother.
Three months ago, I started realizing it wasn’t going to happen this year.
Two months ago, I sent off my amendment, hoping maybe it’d help.
Last month, my first born turned four.
It has not been an easy six, but not terribly heart-wrenching either.
It did have a thought on Monday though… If indeed I get a referral in the next six months as I hope, and my girl is 0-6 months at referral, then the next six months will bring about:
The birth of one beautiful daughter with two bright, shining eyes, making us a family of three. And even if it takes a bit to meet her (which admittedly, would be excruciating), we will love her from many miles away, waiting anxiously to pick her up. The next six months will bring about the completion of our little family unit. To think that in six months, I may know my daughter… it’s not so far away, but it can’t come soon enough!
Praying for her to be well loved and cared for until she’s in my arms.

Finally Getting my Crap Together

So I have finally FINALLY got my shtuff together and have sent off the part one of my sponsorship application. "Why," you might ask, "has it taken you nearly six months to do it?" Well, there are a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm a bit of a shmuck when it comes to completing paperwork, which is why it took so long in the first place to get my dossier sent off. Secondly, I'm a little hopeless that my referral will in fact come anytime in the next several months. I'm thinking to myself that with the growing wait times, it'll be a holy miracle if I get it before Christmas this year. That'd put me at 13.5 months, which seems a little hopeful given the trends we've seen in the last several months. I am 32ish though on the Yahoo! group list of Waiting for Referrals under 18 months. So that's something. Of course, I know it is only a fraction of the waiters being represented there, and it seems every once in a while, a new one pops up ahead of me in line. Such is life. I'm trying not to be Debbie Downer and focus solely on this, and adopt the mantra, "It'll happen when it happens," but I'm discouraged of course. How can anyone not be when the timeline given at the start are so SO SOOOOO far from where they are now. Seriously.
Anyway. On an aside, I'm working my tail off to get my trailer ready for sale by next week. So I'm busy doing all the things that would have made my house exactly as I'd've love, and wondering why people seem to wait until they are on their way out before doing those sorts of things. Oh well. It's getting done, and there is a solid sense of satisfaction in working hard.

Jonah's Understanding of Numerical Units (revised)

So apparently I deleted the beginning of this post, somewhere along the way. Here it is:

So I've found lately that Jonah is using many measurement related terms, though it is clear that he does not fully understand them.

A few weeks ago, Jonah wanted to go play in the yard and so I dressed him all up and sent him out, and a few inutes later he was knocking on the door to come back in.
M: What's up buddy?
J: I want to come inside.
M: How come?
J: It's too cold outside.
M: No it's not, Jonah! (it was maybe 7 degrees outside, and he was well dressed)
J: (exasperated) Mam! It's like ten miles out there!
So cute.

And then yesterday:
J: Is Christmas soon?
M: No, not for a long time Jonah.
J: How long?
M: Umm, like two hundred sleeps.
J: (resigned) Ugh. That’s like ten minutes!

Oh, the last one, which is not so much about measuring as it is about straight counting, happened yesterday at the library. Jonah saw on the librarian’s desk, a jar full of candy for one of those “guess the number of candies and win them all” contests.
J: Mam, can I have one of those candies?
M: No. You have to guess how many there are and then the person who guesses right gets them all.
J: Can I guess?
M: You can try.
And so he proceeds to count to 20, which is as high as he can go. And then he stops, seeing that there are still many more.
J: Oh wait. I need to start again.
And he does, but stops again at twenty.
J: Huh. I don’t want to count anymore.
I’m a little sad for him that he felt embarrassed that he couldn’t count, because that’s what it was. The librarian and a bystander were both watching, so he was trying to save face. Seeing him experience embarrassment is new. Usually I’m embarrassed by him (or just as often by myself).

Here’s a lovely story of my most recent foot-in-mouth incident:
We were at the doctor’s and Jonah was being a turkey, because we had to wait over an hour to get in and there were no toys or even kids’ books to look at. So I took him outside and stood him up and talked to him for a minute about behaving properly. I was really embarrassed about how he was acting. Then we went back into the clinic and I say to the lady who I’d been chatting with for the last hour, “Well, he would be good in a condom ad.” (Okay, I know that isn’t nice and it makes me seem like a bad parent, but it is not at all that I don’t love my boy and want him very much. If you have seen that foreign commercial on YouTube about the boy freaking out in the grocery store and the horrified, embarrassed dad who is with him, with everyone looking and tut-tutting, and it turns out to be a condom commercial – that’s what I was thinking of. That was my boy at the clinic). So the lady was all quiet for a second, and I’m feeling like an ass for saying it, and then she tells me that she just found out that she’s pregnant. Turns out she’s totally scared. And yeah. I can back peddle and say that there are so many great things about parenting, but yeah. It’s hard to recover form that.
Next on my list of things to do before I die: develop tact.

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Anyway, check it out at this link, and help me earn my 12 months of free photos.

No, I didn't get Hit by a Bus.

Hey all, maybe you remember me? It's been a while. I have started several posts in the last couple of weeks, and have not finished or published any, because I really have had not much to say. School is, pretty much the same. But we had parent-teacher interviews this past week, and there was no lynch-mob. No parents with petitions demanding my head on a stick. In fact, I only had good meetings, which was a really positive change.
I still don't want to stay in that town though. I have found this to be one of the most trying years of my life: stressful, friendless, and very lonely. I need a change. So I'm not sure where I'll be a few months down the road, but it would take a strange sort of miracle to keep me where I'm at. I'd applied for a job on the coast, and got a call for an interview, and unfortunately, never heard back again. He said, "I'll try and get the committee together early next week, and will let you know a good time for a [Skype] interview." That was a week and a half ago, and since then, nothing. I was supposed to have it sometime early last week, and even left a phone message to find out what was up, and apparently, they've decided to go a different direction, and don't consider me worth the time it takes to shoot off an email. Whatever. I actually don't care, which I suppose means it's probably all for the best.
I did however, go onto Facebook for the first time in a couple of months last week and found a message from someone I am not even connected to through FB, but she is instead a fellow teacher at a different school in my district, just a stone's throw from E-town, where all my family is. I had asked, when I saw her at Teacher's Convention, if she knew of any jobs coming up at her school, and though she didn't think so, said she'd ask her principal. So I find this FB message from her, that is at this point over a month old, and it says, indeed her principal may be interested, and she requests my resume. And I'm like, "Hell!" because a month's gone by since, but I send it off anyway with a quick explanation, and she wrote back the next day that after a meeting on the 20th, she'll know better what's up for next year, and so I hope that maybe something will come up. That'd be sweet to be able to drive into town for family dinners on occasion.
I don't know though, if teaching is really for me. I feel like a bit of a fraud, as I go in everyday, somewhat dreading the next many hours. It should not feel like that. And I know how competitive it is to get a teaching job, and how many people are desperate to get a job like mine, and I feel a little guilty knowing that one of those people is out of luck, while I'm already calculating how many more years til retirement. I know how awful that is. And everyone I talk to says, "Give it more time; give it a shot elsewhere," but I don't know if it'll be any different.
I've been thinking maybe Social Work is the way to go. I don't think it'll be my passion, but I'm pretty sure I can't make a career out of being a Fine Arts student, so maybe I need to think a little more realistic. So the holidays aren't as good. But when I go home at the end of the day, that is my time. That's worth a lot to me at this point. And maybe once I've taught for several years and don't have to plan so much, and have figured out how to be an efficient marker and only take in some stuff, my evenings won't be so crazy, but right now...? Blah. There is value in having summers and Christmases and Spring Breaks to chill out with the hoodlums, but there are good things about just hanging out with them normally and being able to spend good times with the everyday, even if the amount of time is less. Quality over quantity, right?
My mam doesn't love the idea of me becoming a Social Worker. It's what she does and so she knows how stressful it can be. She also would love to teach, and it was only bad luck that got her out of teaching and into Social Work in the first place, so for her to see me do it willingly, I think, is hard on her. I don't know though. I guess we'll see. I know that whatever job I do, I really want the assurance of stability. I have a permanent contract right now, which means unless I kill a student, I have a job until retirement. Given the economy, I am hard-pressed to give that up for some industry job that can be pulled out from under me at any time. I used to work in Forestry, but it is so much dependent on the economy around the world, and I would not want to be a sitting duck at this time. I need stability. Sole breadwinner in my family... I don't really feel like there's a choice.
And after this year, I have a permanent certificate coming my way, so if I do decide to return to teaching, it would technically be an option, though I know I'd probably have to head back out to the sticks to reinsert my foot in the door.
I don't know. I have no plan or solid solution or even an idea of where I will be a few months down the road. That's why I haven't been blogging.
I did host a sweet pirate party for my favorite boy's b-day. He's turning 4 on the 20th, but we had it early, because I have a week for Spring Break right now, and I got him a bike, so I wanted some time to teach him. It didn't take him too long to give up today, but I have high hopes that tomorrow will bring with it more enthusiasm. My sweet guy also saw his dad for the first time in 3 1/2 months today, and while I have plenty to say about that, I will wait until I have pics to post, more time, and a whole box of kleenex (spring allergies.... wee.). Soon.
One last thing... Congrats to all those who have been travelling in the last few weeks to pick up their babes -- it is the highlight of my day to read about the uniting of families. And especially, a HUGE congrats to Adam and Carolyn for their referral after 17.5 months of waiting. Everytime I head to their blog, I get mighty teary. I highly recommend wandering that way, if you haven't already.
Happy Resurrection Sunday all.

Untitled

Why am I so tired? Seriously! I’m going to bed early, waking up at a decent hour to try and get my stuff together and not be stressed out before I have to go to work, and still… EXHAUSTED!!! There’s no reason for it, but as soon as I wake up in the morning, I’m pretty much ready for bed. Ugh. I’m in need of a holiday. And I need report cards to be over. Yep. That would be nice. And maybe some iron, come to think of it. I should pick up some kiwis.
Anyway, since I have nothing much else to say, I’ll tell about my two favorite Jonah-moments:
This morning, I told Jonah that I was going to jump in the shower.
J: You don’t need a shower.
M: Yes, I do.
J: But your hair doesn’t look stinky!
(Yeah, I don’t know where that came from)
And the other day:
J: You’re my favorite mam.
M: And you’re my favorite boy.
J: And I would never give you away.
M: Me neither.
I love that kid. He is so good (most of the time) and genuinely good-hearted. And he loves to cuddle, which I don’t mind either.

CBC: I've Never Like You

Okay, so who saw that Friday night news story on CBC? I was warned of it a couple of weeks ago in an email from the agency. And matching the expectations I had for it, it was not good for sure. Because of that, in combination with the CBC article that came out on their website this week, entitled, "Buying Babies," I think we adoptive parents need to be prepared for the many questions people are bound to ask. While I do agree that the story was absolutely focused on the negative, completely disregarded any positives, and was definitely one-sided, there was that one family that adopted, and on the referral it said "unknown" under both the "Parents Names" and "deceased" under the "Status" category. The parents were right to say, that seemed strange, because if you know they are dead, then shouldn't you know their names? That made sense to me, but I guess there are always strange circumstances. But it was their choice to accept that referral, even though it seemed sketchy to them. So to then put that on the agency, I don't know. They need to take some responsibility in that I think. But of course, it's easy for me to say.
Anyway. I've been thinking plenty about the broadcast since I saw it, and though I know not all adoptions are done in an ethical way, I do think the vast majority of them are. And to decide not to continue, in light of this sort of thing, especially when the government has tightened the reigns and taken measures to prevent exactly this sort of thing, would not sit well with me either. I am not going shopping for a child. I am waiting to be matched with a child who needs to be taken care of outside an institution, and who needs to feel valued and loved. Am I doing it for me? Absolutely. But am I also glad that my girl will get a forever family who can provide for her well? Of course.
I can't help her family. I don't even know who they are. And even when I meet them, if in fact I can, when I go pick her up, I can't offer help then. I'd love to give them money. I'd love to make sure they are taken care of, and maybe do what I can financially to help them start a business or whatever to support the birth family. But I can't. It's not allowed for the very reason that it could be twisted and appear that I am buying my girl. It sucks, because I'm sure most every family adopting, would like to help out the birth families, if for no other reason that to be able to tell their child that they are okay. To have to leave them without offering anything, except maybe photos, is brutal. I wish I could do more.
I sort of figured out something. It's not as good, but it'll do. I signed up today to start sponsoring a couple of other children in Ethiopia. A 9-year-old boy who lives with his grandfather, and a 10-year-old girl with 2 siblings who live with their father and step-mother, who are unemployed and cannot feed the family. It doesn't help my girl, but it puts my mind at ease to a point, that another family will not have to suffer the same loss as my girl's bio-family.
I have many scattered thoughts on the topic, so sorry for the rambling. I guess the point is, that there is no perfect answer here. Things aren't always going to be done as well as they should. Is it okay to make mistakes at an institutional level? Well, no, not really, but it is going to happen. And then hopefully, because of those flaws, things will be changed and fixed. The point though, is that there really are great things that can come from the process -- families completed: children being matched with parents, and want-to-be-parents being matched with children. Money from the adoptions going into Ethiopia, and trickling down to hopefully help people at many levels. And in the case of IA, going to build a compound which will provide quality care to many children, medical help and education to a community... I know it may be a bit of a band-aid solution, but even so, a band-aid is better than a festering wound.

Time Stands Still

There’s nothing new or exciting on the adoption front. But that’s not news. Things continue to move slowly, timelines continue to get extended, and so for those of us in this limbo of waiting for a referral, time stands still. And life moves on. Without this little person I’ve been waiting for. I just have to remind myself that she will at some point be dropped into our lives, but for now, she is a dream. I suppose this is the same as with any couple waiting to have a child. Pregnancy is not a guarantee, and for very few, it comes exactly when planned. Such is life, and this adoption (or any adoption, I’d wager) is not as I planned, so it, in that way, is the same as any other.
I’m moving on. My life is going forward. I’ve applied for other teaching jobs, not knowing if that’ll end up doing more harm than good to my career. I have a permanent contract right now with the school district, but I’m just not as satisfied with where I am as I’d like to be. I’ve always wanted to live on the coast, and so I’m taking the plunge. I’m checking out jobs on the coast. Hopefully it’ll all be okay. I guess I should check to see how that affects my adoption, and if it will bring it to a halt, I may have to delay, but right now, I just need to be looking forward, focused on the future, and not dwelling on the present, because while I do my best not to think about my girl at all, when I do, it is a weight on my chest.
So I’m looking forward.

Amendment On Its Way

So I went to the post office yesterday to check on that package, and indeed it was the long awaited amendment to my HAR. It, along with my PRV stuff is in the mail today. Another milestone, but it doesn't really seem that significant. I'm plugging away at this point, not really excited or frustrated. I just am. Maybe because I had one of my students over last night to babysit, and when I got home, I chatted with her for nearly 2 hours before she went home, so I am tired. I'm a little nervous about having a student hanging out at my house one-on-one, but I'll make sure that next time, it's not just the two of us. It's too bad that at this time, being friendly with a student off school grounds can put my entire career at risk. Brutal.
Oh, one cute Jonah story from last week: we we doing bedtime routines and I was tucking him in and he was ready to pray. Most of the time, he tells me what to pray for, but that night, he wanted to pray. So we talked about what he wanted to say, and then he started:
J: God? (pauses, looks at me) He's not there.
M: He's there. He's listening, even when you don't hear him.
J: Huh (looking mighty skeptical).
It was pretty sweet. I just like to write these things down, so I don't forget.

4 Months and an Amendment

Well today officially marks the 4 month point. I'm guessing it is not even a third of the way, and as much as I really really want my girl, I am surprisingly able to calm myself by thinking, "Hey, all in good time." It kind of makes me sound like I don't care, but I really do. It just doesn't help to be stressing about it, and I know my blog has been inconsistent (or consistently few and far between in posts) but it just helps me to pass the time quickly when I am not on a message board stalking blog-a-thon. I still read the blogs on my list, I just do it quickly so I can celebrate the highs with these friends, and encourage where I can when things are tough.
I think my amendment is in my mail box. I hope so anyway. I got something I have to sign for, but only got the card after the post office closed yesterday, and I left P-town for E-town this morning before it reopened. I have teacher's convention in Edmonton, and had a dentist appointment this morning and so came out a day early. I also got to see one of my students who was in a serious ski accident last week, and who is in the Stollery being rehabilitated. It's hard to hear about this great girl who I absolutely adore not being able to talk and having to learn to walk again, even though less than 2 weeks ago we weren't sure she was going to make it. It was bad. But the progress in the last week and a half makes me very hopeful that she will recover, and I just have to hope and pray that who she is once she's healed is close to the girl who she was before the crash. My girl was sleeping, but I left a gift for her, and her sister told me she'd let her know I'd been by. I might try to go in again before I head back home.
What else, what else? Oh, I think I may have a blind date next month during spring break. My best friend Becky has been telling me about this fellow that she says she'd go for if she weren't already dating and living with his friend. He's a good Christian guy, carpenter, and sounds like he's pretty responsible, and he didn't leave a cloud of dust when she told him about me, including the fact that I am adopting. Huh. Does such a guy exist? He apparently has agreed to double date and meet me over spring break, so I guess if that actually works out, we'll see.
Anyway, I am home for the first evening in weeks and just came down to check my email, and think I'd better boogie back upstairs to visit with my mam.
Cheers, all.

Recanting

So I guess I've put myself at risk by beaking about IA and ABC. It's hard not to get a bit worked up when you hear about things that come off as injustice. I'm not going to say what's happening with certain situations is fair, but I can't say with certainty that they are unfair. Because I'm not really in the know, I'm just Jane Observer looking from the outside in. Except when it comes to ABC. I am in the know. I know they are pretty sketchy.

FAT Tuesday

Okay, apparently I'm bit of a pessimist this month. I've blogged in irritation about both my agencies. Whoops! Maybe it's me, then.
Anyway, lent starts tomorrow. BUT TODAY IS FAT TUESDAY and I take that seriously. For lent, I'm giving up eating out, butter and sugar. So today, it's lunch out, and then pancakes for dinner, covered in butter and syrup. Yum.

IA: What a Disappointment

Okay, how does it happen that IA can refer a child for adoption while the child is at the transition home, and then the orphanage that child came from just comes and takes the child back? I don't understand! Adoptive parents pay IA to take care of their hoodlums, and if they are not at the TH and IA has no idea about what is going on with them, how can they pass that off as taking care of our kids? You may not know what I'm talking about, or maybe you do -- this has happened to one of my fellow adopting bloggers. I do not understand. But based on this, and the agency's response, I am seriously questioning my choice of agency. When I talked to E about the conditions that my child will be in, I was encouraged that the staff: child ratio was 1:4. That's comparable with North American standards. How can they talk about this great TH, but not mention that the children they refer may not actually spend the time from referral to gotcha day there? I honestly can't believe that this has happened. I can't imagine how numb the mom must be not really knowing anything about where her boy is. Absurd. Brutal. IA, what the hell? We expect better of you. You have led us to expect better of you. What a disappointment. Lose the faith of you clients, and your business will soon follow. Pull up your socks. Get your shtuff together.

Tagged!

Cool! I've never been tagged before. Here are the directions:
Go to your fourth folder of photos.
Post the fourth photo you find there.
No editing allowed.

This is a pic of my family Christmas morning. From left to right: my sister Cierra, my Jonah, niece Miriam, sister Caitlyn, niece Carmen, and nephew Finnegan.

I was tagged by Laura, and will go ahead and tag my sister Melanie, Rhonda and Lucilia (because I know she's got pictures aplenty!).

Cheers!

Boo to You ABC

So! Apparently I am the laziest person ever to blog (or not to, as we've seen in recent weeks). Since I don't have the Internet at home again, I'm taking it as an indicator that I'm working really hard at work and don't have the time to blog while I'm there. Yeah, that's what I'm going with.
So a couple of things in the last couple of weeks: a new timeline announced by the agency (sigh), and a possible new home for us. Let's start with that timeline. I talked to my caseworker E this week, to clarify about this new timeline buzz, and indeed, it has been extended, again. That is crappy. I really thought that at this point I'd be half way through the referral wait. HA! Actually, according to the original timeline I was given, I could be expecting a referral any moment. Yeah. Obviously that is ridiculous to even think. We are now looking at 10-11 months for people currently receiving referrals. But that means that the people who have been waiting 10-11 months right now can expect a referral shortly. That does NOT mean that I can expect the same sort of timeline. In fact, I can pretty much be guaranteed a longer timeline. So, I have adjusted my hopes to a referral by Christmas (that'd be 13 months of waiting -- I hope HOPE that is as liberal an estimate as I think it is). Travel by summer 2010? The upside, I tell myself, is that there is no risk of getting caught in court closures, so yay.
There is, of course, always a chance that I will get a match with some medical issues and so the referral will come earlier. I did get the amendment done. Whether or not it'll go through approval anytime this millennium is another question. Seriously, I am so ticked at my HAR (home assessment report) agency. Yes, I'm talking about YOU, ADOPTION BY CHOICE (yeah, I said it). I had to get this amendment done in the first place, because the child desired section of the HAR was not done the first time around. I get that the SW who wrote it for me was new, and I was her first, but seriously, shouldn't there be some guidelines she goes by; some training she goes through for the job? I guess not. And so I paid the extra, and in all fairness the HAR writer recognized that it really should have been done the first time, so I had to pay the agency for the job, but she did not take a cut, so it may have been cheaper. That was nice. But then the amendment is done, and I ask when it'll be sent to me, and they say no, I don't have to sign it because it is just an amendment. Seems odd to me, but hey, they know their job, right? WRONG!! After 6 weeks of waiting for the AB gov to approve the 3-page document, I call Anne Scully at the department, and she looks it up, and says, oh, it wasn't signed and was returned to the agency. What the???! So I call the agency and they say, yes, it's on the way to me, and once I return it, it'll be sent off again. And apparently it's supposed to jump the line, but I'm not exactly holding my breath at this point. Fooey.
Anyway, I have to follow my boy and feed him, because he's wandered (we're at my mam's for the weekend), and I don't want to dump him on my mam this morning, as I often do. I'll tell about the potential new home soonish.

3 Months and a Mid-Life Crisis

Coming up on three months here, and feeling like the time is flying by! I sort of expect that it will feel a lot more like crawling in about 5 months, but right now, I am satisfied to putter around in my everyday world, teaching, parenting, and living. I do have a fine life, that I enjoy more often than not. These last many months have been tough ones for me, but there’s a warm breeze in the air (not literally, unfortunately), and things are looking up.
Report cards are done (painfully) for another term. Usually, I’ll admit there are some assignments that do not make it onto the report card just because they are not marked in time, but I am very proud to say all my marking is now up to date, and from here on, I expect that I will be motivated to keep up, so as not to have the dreaded knot in my stomach that comes with knowing there is a mountain of paperwork waiting for me. Ugh.
My sweet boy’s father has made a return today. I had wrote him a letter saying, basically, that he needed to explain what the heck was happening, that he was not calling or visiting, and that he needed to make a choice to be in or out. And instead of answering the questions, he tried to arrange a visit for this weekend! I’ll have him come to see our boy, but I want him to explain what the… Am I being petty? Be honest; I won’t be offended.
What else, what else? I’ve been thinking more about the whole foster-to-adopt dealie. I don’t know. I really want my girl – no doubt about it – but am I ready to be a mam of two next month? Maybe not. And I know it may not go that fast, but I also know it could. That’s fast. Really fast. And the adoption wouldn’t go through right then, but there would be a baby. The two processes are sort of polar opposite. The one could have me parenting two in mere weeks, while the other will still take over a year (before baby is home with me). I would love an inbetweenie sort of deal. Kind of like the original timeline I expected when I began. Huh. Oh well. It’s not about my time.
I’ll admit I’m sort of having a crisis in my head. Really, my head can be my worst enemy. I’m sure I am not the only one out there with a plan. You know, a plan for my life. There are things I want to do, and things I have expected for my life up until this point, and very few of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. I really thought that by my mid-20’s I would be married and working on building up a family the size of a soccer team. No luck there. It’s hard for me to imagine that Jonah will be my only pregnancy, especially since I found it hard to fully celebrate at the time, for fear of being a single mam, and the uncertainty of how things would work out between his dad and me. The thought of Jonah being my only pregnancy makes me sad. Sorry to anyone reading this who is still eagerly waiting for child #1.
I know people who have divorced, and who maybe wonder when they will meet that great love they’ve wanted, but I’m still waiting on husband #1. Okay, I only want one, so that didn’t come out quite right, but you get the point. I’ve never been married, never lived with a man, unless you consider the many roommates I’ve had. It’s a hard pill to swallow, that I may always be a single, but I guess that’s life. It kind of makes me want to live a much freer life though. Go do good works, be a missionary, build and operate a compound in Africa, providing people with medical care, education, training, supplies for farming and survival, etc. I think sometimes that that’s the reason I am single. I have it in my heart to do that, so maybe that is what I’m meant for. Maybe God knows that if I have a husband, my heart will be on my own family unit instead. Still, I can’t really deal with the idea of being just me from here on. My biological clock is ticking, and for the first time in my life, I realized yesterday, that this is it! There is only one go round. When my body (which has never failed me) is past it’s prime, then that is done. No more bio-babies. That’s it. It’s very final. I know that it’s a common knowledge sort of thing, but still, I’d never though about it before.

Rambling

I have not written in a while! I'm trying to keep adoption off of my mind, because it just makes the wait easier. I'm still waiting to get my amendment back from the province. Over a month now waiting for her to review a three-page document. Kind of annoying, but such is life, I've learned. I'm desperately trying to catch up on marking and school work, and getting ready for midterms exams.
The family came up for the weekend (my mam, sisters and niece and nephew). It was a full house! Full of fun and good company, that is. I was pooped out when they pulled out this afternoon, and so I let my favorite boy watch a little show while I watched the backsides of my eyelids for a few.
My favorite boy has not seen or heard from his father in the last 3+ weeks now. Even though last Sunday, I sent an email for him to call, and Jonah dictated a message for me to type asking him to call as well. Every night, when I ask my boy what he'd like to pray for he says, "My dad, and my heart." So we pray that his dad is well, and that he will call, and that if he doesn't Jonah's heart will feel better. Some may say, just call him! But it's a long-standing issue of him making an effort with our boy, and so we don't call. We leave it up to him. Sigh.
Congrats to those who are heading off to pick up their munchkins (I'm thinking of Ricki and Barb here). I'm looking forward to seeing your exciting dive into parenthood! The upside of the long wait of adoption, is that by the time you get there, you're as ready as you'll ever be, and with adoption, there are no whoops'. It's all very well planned and expected. Or so I hope.
One person commented on my last post, and said something that made me look at the wait and the change in policy in a whole new way. Here's what she (or he) said:
There were many done illegally under the old system...mine included. It sucks to wait for a referral....but it is a MUCH bigger hurt to deal with the knowledge of an unethical adoption for your entire life. We deal with it daily as we see our incredible child and know that the laws were not in place to protect our child and birth family from corruption....and yes...we did adopt in Canada...and the many I am referring to were also Canadian...sad, tragic but true. Though my child is amazing and we are so blessed...I would take a longer wait...much much longer to know that the adoption was ethical and legal.
Wow. I can't say it any better than that. And (s)he's right. I would not want to ever wonder if my child was taken from birth parents who loved her and were able to care for her. I'll definitely take the wait.

Discouraged

My Internet at home is no longer in existence, so my posts may become less frequent as I have to type them up at work when I should be, well, working.
I've been doing so much thinking in the last week or so about the email that was sent out informing us of the changes in court and what not. Brutal. Crappy. That's about all I can say. And I get that it is about keeping kids safe and protecting families, but still. Yuck. I mean, I can't help but wonder how many children adopted under the old procedure were done so illegally. Were there any? I guess I should be happy that they are making a preemptive strike to ensure that it doesn't happen (even if it hasn't been happening up to this point). Well. I don't really know what more to say about it except to echo what probably hundreds of others are thinking or saying. What a disappointment.
When I started this whole thing last year, I thought maybe my girl would be about 3 years younger than my boy. 3 1/2 I guess. Then with the adjusted wait times, I thought, okay, maybe more like 4 years different. But now? My guy turns 4 in April, and I am pretty sure that I will not be seeing my girl's picture until the summer. Scratch that. Fall. Boo.
I really thought that hoping for a summer referral was very reasonable. I thought that I was being safe so I could avoid disappointment. Err on the side of caution, I told myself. But now? I'm not sure I can be cautious enough. I have readjusted my hopes to summer 2010 travel (makes me want to cry), seeing as babes will now have to wait longer to be with their forever families and therefore, will spend more time in the transition homes, and so referrals will also take longer because those referral spots will be occupied by court date babies. I'm trying so hard to be okay with that. But I'm not. This feels like the first in a very long series of let-downs in this process. It honestly makes me question if I'm strong enough. I guess this whole deal makes you strong enough. You don't have a choice, because once you see your sweet babe's face, there is nothing so awful that could make you give her up. But oh, I can see it now... it's going to be a long hard road.
My mam still thinks that maybe I should foster-to-adopt through the province, and I'll admit, it is mighty tempting. I mean, realistically, I am in it now, and I'll stick it out, but how sweet would it be to have a little one with me from birth, and to wait out time for court dates while raising my girl? Mighty sweet. And I know that foster-to-adopt is not a guarantee. When my girl comes home, she is mine. And she will be mine forever. And some foster-to-adoptees will go back to birth parents. But not many. Very very few. If I knew how few when I started, I might've gone that way I'll admit.
I'm not trying to sound like a quitter. I'm in it for the long haul and just have to try and push this out of my mind until the ball gets rolling again. Come on ball. But it is true that I make a conscious effort not to think of it. To fill my mind with anything else. I know I am only two months in, and the wait so far has flown, but it is the mountain ahead of me that has me so discouraged. I hope it's true that prayer can move mountains.

Two Months

Two months! Seems a little like a drop in the pan considering the expected wait times, but I'll take it. This month has pretty much flown by with the holidays. Hey! Maybe what I need to do is quit my job and go on a months-long vacation! That'll make the time fly by! I'll have a referral in no time! Yes, that's an idea.
On another note, here are my two favorite Jonah-conversations of the last few weeks:

Jonah: (Yammering on about something, while I tune out in my own little world of driving)... What do you think about that?
Me: Oh! That's pretty cool.
J: (In disbelief) No it's NOT! A real dinosaur!!!
M: Oh. Um, sounds pretty scary?
J: Well Yeah. It IS!
I still have no idea what we were talking about.

Driving in the car yesterday on the way back to P-town...
J: (Indignantly) What did you do THAT for MOM???
I look into that back seat to see a shiny-faced boy -- think Shawn Mujumder as the sweaty Indian man on This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
M: What happened?
J: You slowed down, and then you started going again (while he was drinking juice from a bottle).
M: (Trying not to laugh) Oh, sorry but someone was turning so I slowed down, and then they turned so I kept going.
J: Oh. (pause) Sorry for getting mad at you mam.
Seriously, who apologizes after being soaked in juice, even if it was an accident? He is a better person than his mama.

Top 10 of 2008/ 2009

Okay, this morning, I just needed to vent. But here we go: the top moments of 2008 and the things I'm looking most forward to in 2009.

Top 5 events of 2008:
1. Finishing my first full year of teaching.
2. Beginning my adoption of my sweet girl (I'm really doing it!).
3. Building the fence in my yard (a small thing maybe, but it occupied the better part of the 2008 growing season!).
4. Seeing my foster sisters again after seven years.
5. Skiing with the family in Jasper this Christmas holiday.

Highly anticipated events of 2009:
1. Getting a referral for my daughter and (here's hoping) passing through court before the year's end.
2. Seeing my favorite boy off to preschool (wow! time flies!)
3. Getting a teaching job in Edmonton and moving back.
4. Selling my trailer in P-town for a lofty profit ;)
5. Meeting the man of my dreams! (well, we'll see on this one!)

Okay, so some of the events of 2009 may be more reasonable than others, but I do expect to get my referral, send Jonah off to preschool, and move back to Edmonton, whether I have a teaching job or not! By the end of this school year, I will have my permanent teacher's certificate, so I could potentially take a different job for a while, or sub until something more permanent comes up at home. I am so hoping to find something there soon!
Actually, truth be told, I am currently debating whether teaching is in the cards for me for the remainder of my career. I have found this year to be one of discouragement after discouragement, and I don't know anymore if this is really what I want. I find working with my hands very satisfying, so maybe a job in the trades is something to look at. I don't know. My sister and brother-in-law have strongly advised me not to make career-altering decisions based on this school year, but I don't know. The other thing that would be nice is to have a job that doesn't require me to take work home nearly ever night! I shouldn't complain, I know, because there are plenty of unemployed teachers out there who would be happy for my job, but it is wearing. I guess in the many months to come we will see how everything pans out.
Here's wishing that my 2009 year works out as well as I hope!

Dynamite

I wanted to write about all the things I loved about last year and all the things I'm looking forward to in the year to come, but that entry will just have to wait a day or two.
I have been religiously stalking the blog of one Dynamite D(whose blog is private, and therefore I am not linking to it), and finally heard news this morning of her second court date. Again, it was a no-go. Seriously! I have known that court does not always go through on the first try, and am trying to prepare myself for the possibility, but to not go through on the second date? I can't imagine. I don't even want to prepare myself for that sort of thing. And yet there it is -- it happens. It happened to D. C-rapp-ee.
I have felt deflated all morning since reading the news. I have felt down-hearted. I have felt like crying. And I have never actually met her! So how must she feel? Words, I'm sure, cannot describe. And I have been following her as she waited for the second court date, and have not known how to comment on her posts. What can you say to someone who is grieving (at not passing through on the first go, and having to delay being united with their child)? I can't say I understand. There is no use trying to see the bright side, because it sucks, and that's all there is to it. And I'm sure that all will work out in the end, but that is little consolation at this point.
I'm so sorry. That's all I know how to say. It probably doesn't help much, but it's all I know how to do. I'm thinking of you D. I'm praying like crazy. I know that many, many of those following your journey are. May January fly by. May the paper-pushers get their stuff together. May your girl be well cared for and may your hearts be healed and uplifted come February 12.