That's how I'm feeling lately, which is why I haven't been blogging. I don't want to throw a wet blanket out, when people are starting to get hyped and pumped about the possibility of referrals coming their way. But I'm. just. tired. Tired of waiting, of having people ask, "I thought you were adopting? When's that happening?" And all I can say now is, "Someday." What else can I say? Even in light of referrals coming, it feels like it's a very distant thing for me.
I'm not real proud of how I'm feeling, but a big part of me goes, I wish I'd done the foster-to-adopt through the Alberta government. Because I'd have had my second child oh, probably a year and a half ago. And I wouldn't be paying of this giant line of credit that weighs me down. And I wouldn't have to keep thinking about this hypothetical daughter, because I'd have the real deal. I'm not real patient, and I know many months from now when my referral comes, I'll have to wait even longer. And it'll only get harder.
I'm tempted to keep myself from looking at my daughter's pictures until the visa is issued and I can travel. Because for me to think of this real little girl, growing up in an orphanage when she should be in my arms, is going to kill me. I thought for a long time, that I could wait and wait, but I'm past 15 1/2 months now, and I still see no light in the tunnel. And I'm getting discouraged. I need to harden my heart a little, which doesn't sound like a good thing, but when the alternative is to be crushed by the wait and the discouragement, maybe toughening up isn't so bad. I need to be able to see that there will be an end to it. And while in my head I know it, my heart is not convinced.
I can highly recommend it!
8 months ago