Waiting and Making Plans

Well, this is a sort of limbo period for all of us pre-referral folks. I know there is a lot of talk about taking over Imagine, but I don't know for certain that anything will really come of it. I'm very hopeful, so don't interpret this as me being Downer Debbie, but yeah. Who knows. I am curious though, if it does happen, what will the additional cost be? I mean, I'm not really expecting to get money back when I file a claim... well not much anyway, and so I figure I'll essentially be out the fifteen I've spent. So then what? Will I have to repay some? I mean, a company resurrected from bankruptcy will still have no money, am I wrong? So... yeah. I mean, I'm willing to pay extra especially when the option is losing fifteen. But how much will it cost, I wonder. I can't afford another fifteen... not even close!
A couple of potential positives, maybe, I don't really know. I would think that the order of referrals in a resurrected Imagine would be the same as when they went under, no? And since all the present inhabitants of the TH are being hustled out of there as soon as they can based on court and immigration, the latter of which is faster than normal, when/if Imagine restarts, that could mean a number of referrals right away. I'm trying to stay positive. If you feel like I'm grasping, point it out gently please. I'm a little sensitive right now.
If it doesn't go, I think I might not pursue adoption anymore. I really don't want to think it possible, but I just can't imagine it. I wouldn't be able to afford the international route again, and even though I would have probably gone through the Alberta government's Foster-to-Adopt program from the start, had I known how successful most placements are, I now have in my head a picture of my Ethiopian girl, and to replace her with a Caucasian or Aboriginal girl just feels wrong. It's not about race; it's about my expectations that I have long had for my family. I have imagined my girl for the last couple of years and it's too much to think of anyone else filling her shoes. I feel like, my girl is out there, somewhere, and she is meant to be with me. All the clothes and toys I have bought for my girl are for that someday-girl I'd imagined. I can't imagine giving them to anyone else.
So a couple of options lay ahead of me now:
1. If it is a go, and somehow, miraculously, this all still works out, than my life will continue as planned. I will live in this town I don't love, working at a job I don't love, enduring until my girl is home.
2. If it all falls apart, my life will come unpaused. I have put a hold on my life for a couple of years in anticipation of this adoption, in spite of advice from people commenting who said, "Don't do it!" and I will not do it anymore. If it doesn't go (my stomach flipped just thinking of it), then I will quit my job as soon as a missions position comes up. I have wanted to do missions for years, but have felt like life has gotten in the way. I've put it on the backburner for relationships, Jonah, this adoption, the idea that so many of us have that I need to store away like the ant, get a home, car, stable career, etc. before I can do what I'd love. So many people waiting for retirement to do what they love. Well, I'm not waiting 30 years! It's not going to happen. So either I start my missionary life in the next few months, or in a few years when my someday-girl is a little bigger. Either way, I'm done putting it off.
I'm brushing up on the Old Testament now, because even though I imagine I'll be teaching when I go, I'll want to be solid in my knowledge of scriptures and be able to defend my faith.
Life is good.
It will all work out one way or another.
Hoping and praying for the one way, but satisfied with the other.