Or Not.

Soooo... anyway. Yesterday: rough day. I think my phone call to MoT in the morning in which I burst into tears and refused to leave a message because nobody ever calls back anyway may have been traced back to me. Because after a month of waiting, I was sent an email yesterday afternoon. My file is indeed still sitting on a desk in Ontario. It has not been sent to the embassy in Ottawa; it surely is not in Ethiopia. But apparently, because this is the update (maybe?), it doesn't have to go through those things to put me officially back on the list. She said I'm officially waiting. In fact, I'm #5 on the list, and #3 for a referral for a little gal up to 24 months. Blarg. This process sucks. It's the most up and down I've ever been in my life. I'm starting to feel a little manic. Like I was a normal person at the beginning of this thing, when they did my home study, and now I've gone a little nuts -- a little emotionally wrecked. So yeah. Today is better than yesterday (thank goodness!). I think I'll change my blog name now. BTW, thanks all for your encouragement. It was much needed.
P.S. My boy just pulled out his first tooth :D

Realization

Soooo... I think I might be done. Sounds like adoptions are slowing way down due to policy changes in Ethiopia (some sound good, some less so), my agency has been completely ignoring me for a solid month now -- not returning calls or emails, so, yeah. I think I'm done. I won't pull my file, but it seems highly unlikely that it is going to be moving off a desk in Ontario any time soon, and so I guess I need to move on with life and kiss my someday girl, and a load of cash good-bye. This sucks. I'm now bracing myself for the news that my realistic self says is coming around the corner: this is not to be. I don't know what to say to my son. Do I say anything? Do I just stop talking about adoption and hope he forgets? Just when I think my outlook can't get more bleak, somehow it manages.
So now what? Paint her room? Box up her toys? Donate her clothes (Or ebay them? They really are lovely.) I think the first two for sure -- maybe make an office I don't need. And then put it all in storage somewhere that I don't need to look at it anymore.
FML.

I hate my agency. That is all.

Finally.

I'm back on the wagon. Finally. FINALLY!! I have waited and waited and waited for my Interpol check to come. And it finally did. I submitted it in March. Waited. Waited. Wondered, "What the heck?" Waited. Check the website. It claims processing times upwards of 120 days. Waited. Called. Talked to an automated voice. Tried to convince robot to let me speak to a person. Gave up. Waited. Had a fit. Emailed. Waited. Eventually got the response, "Sorry, who are you? Name and DOB, please." Waited. Got a response: "Your Interpol check was processed in March, and returned to sender. Give us a new address and we'll send it." WHAT THE JUNK???! Returned to sender and then it sat for half a year in a pile of dead mail. So. Dang. Frustrating. The address was right even. Street address as opposed to PO Box though. But still returned, because even in a town of 2000 where I can walk into the post office and the gals there know me by name and box number without even looking, they couldn't be bothered to correct the problem. And to add insult to injury, they new I was waiting. I've been chatting with them about it for years as the process went along. An honest mistake? A passive-aggressive jab? Probably the former, but truly, I'm so raw right now that it's hard not to take it personally.
I gave up my teaching position for the year and moved to Edmonton, in anticipation of my adoption being completed. Was worried I'd need to go back to the drawing board with a new home study. Found out some good news for the first time in a long time: unnecessary. Hallelujah. It's a one-year leave as opposed to a resignation, so that worked out well.
So now my poop is officially in a group. Papers notarized and in order. Getting couriered off to Toronto today.
I don't know how to feel about this whole thing anymore. I was so pumped for so long. And even in the downs, I was ever-hopeful that sometime it would work. Well, except those few weeks following the bankruptcy. I was determined to be the optimist. But my someday girl somehow turned into a maybe girl and then a who-knows-what girl? It felt unreal. And impossible. Or at least improbable. But last week after getting papers notarized, I actually was able to think of her as real. When I prayed for her, she wasn't my hypothetical girl. She was again my someday girl. And I choose to think she's my soon-day girl. She's coming. Thank goodness. Cause I'm not sure how much longer I can endure.

She's Aliiive!

Funny, I thought about closing this blog the last few months. I still don't have my INTERPOL check, which is what is keeping me on hold... still. It's been four and a half months now that I've been waiting. And I called them a couple of months ago to find out what the heck, and the phones there are automated. No way for me to find out it they even got it. I expressposted it, so they should have. Still, it is extremely frustrating.
Anyway, I would check out this blog on rare occasion, and read others almost not at all. It's hard on my heart, this wait, and though I love following families as they go, and celebrating with them in their small and large victories (BTW Congrats Brenda and Mike!! I totally missed that until today -- sorry for the delay), it was just really tough. I'm feeling very much like this might never happen. Anyway, sometimes I would check to see if anyone commented, if anyone still read this thing, and nothing. BUT, at my low point, which was this morning, when I went to close it down, I found all these comments waiting for my approval... What? People are actually still out there? Turns out I switched my settings a while back when I was dating that fellow my family didn't approve of (they were right about him!), because I didn't want to have them say anything negative (Heheheh -- when I can get the last word, well, I like to take advantage of it). So thank you to those whose comments lifted me up this morning. You may have posted months ago, but it was today in my darkest moment, when I needed those words most, that I got them. Thank you :)
So this INTERPOL thing, I will try again. Send it off a second time, with a note that if it has already been processed, they can just send me my money back. Whatever.
In other news, I took a leap of faith, and moved back to the city, taking a one year leave from my position, and desperately hoping something will come up, job-wise. As of right now, I have been hired back on call at the group home where I used to work, which is a humbling thing as it feels very much like I've taken two steps back. I am waiting to hear back from the province on a social work position, which I'm not holding my breath on. It's the third interview in six months I've had with the region. And they keep emailing me and encouraging me to apply which seems good, but then they don't hire me. I can't tell if they see potential, or if I'm the butt of some cruel office joke. Time will tell. I'm also taking a summer French course to make myself more marketable so the school district sees I can teach French. The only way in right now is through French. Maybe they won't send me a letter telling me I'm not even worth keeping in their filing cabinet, like they did last fall :(
I moved into the house I bought last summer, and am nearly done the renos. New hardwood, paint, kitchen, bathroom... delight! It's this tiny little century-old home I adore. I was told when I bought it that it was 998 sqft, but of course it also says, "measurements to be verified by the buyer," which is standard, but I didn't, and thought even if they are off a bit, it shouldn't be by much. Yeah, right!! When I measured it for flooring, it turns out it's actually more like 780 sqft. That's a huge difference! It's still the same size and fits us the same, but the price per sqft is not the value I thought it was. Oh well. Such is life. Jonah's room, my girl's room, and the living room are pretty much done, as is the bathroom. The kitchen is on its way, and my bedroom... well, let's change the subject. I about a month when everything is just so, I will post pics.
So that's it. Great big scary changes and powerlessness are the current themes of my life. If you are a pray-er, I could use some warriors sending up a word for a decent job, and an INTERPOL check. Please don't ask God to smite the people in Ottawa who complete the checks, because then it will really take long. Wait until I let you know I've received it. Just kidding. Ish.
Hope you all have an awesome summer. We're doing the budget holiday this year (as in "not"), but there are a million free things to keep oneself entertained around Edmonton, unlike the town we just moved from. Hey! I'll count my blessings. And they are numerous. Sometimes I just need to remember that.

Broken

I'll admit I have no desire to blog or read blogs these days. My adoption currently resides in the crapper. Things I had to do didn't get done because I was unaware. My own fault, but still. My adoption is on hold. My agency is no more; we've been shifted. I don't really understand. I started this over three years ago. Thought it would be done two and a half years ago. Still, no girl. Daughterless mam, sisterless boy. We pray for her, but it hurts my heart. I bought her a beautiful doll that arrived last week. It made me cry to see it sit in her crib. Will she ever hold it? I'm unconvinced that things will work out. I'm quitting my job at the end of the school year, but have nothing to go to. I get paid through the summer, and so am padded while I look for work. Risky? Maybe. But I can't handle being so far from people I love. So isolated: an island in this community. Will they (agency/ courts) reject me if I am looking for work? Probably. But for three years life has been on hold. I can't stand it any longer. I never thought I'd reach these depths. I thought I was strong and tough and could roll with the punches. But I'm overflowing with brokenness right now. Broken.

Adoptions, Relationships and Squatters

Well, things are continuing to cruise along in life. There's nothing happening with my adoption. I know it will. Someday. Maybe even someday soon! Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it might be on its way. According to the yahoo! spreadsheet, there's only one family ahead of me with a similar request. That's not to say others don't exist, but I can only see one which is encouraging.
I'm actually a little anxious about it, because I'm in the middle of a sort of transitional time in my life, and I'd like to not be in limbo when my request comes. After many many months of applying for jobs, I had an interview for a position in a decent-sized town, closer to the family. I'd only be an hour from my mam's house, 45 minutes to the boyfriend. That'd be a nice change from the three-hour drive I'm currently enduring. I sucked that interview like no interview I'd ever sucked before. It was enormously frustrating, but I hold out hope that they see some promise in me. It's not a rocket scientist position; I'm sure I could pick it up. Sigh. They emailed the next day to get my CRIM and CYIM checks done, and I thought that was probably standard, but then a little birdie (a couple actually) said that it was not standard. So then my hopes are up. But my references have not been contacted, so then my hopes are dashed. Sigh. They said they'd get back to me in two to three weeks, and today is three weeks (boo). But it is government and government sucks at working in a timely matter (hope?). Sigh. Whether or not I have a job in or close to town by the end of the school year, I intend to move home (or closer, anyway) over the summer. I officially hate where my life is at: on pause. It's been on pause for years and I'm tired of it.
Things with the boyfriend are okay. We generally get along and enjoy each others' company very much, but we have areas of conflict that we are working through too. I suppose it's a pretty normal sort of thing. It would be nice, too, to live close to town so we can date like regular people rather than not seeing each other for days and then having super-concentrated weekends. We had a good chat a few weeks ago and recognized that we need to slow down a bit, but my definition of "slow down" and his are not the same. His falls more into the category of "reverse" it seems. So admittedly, I've been frustrated with how things are going. After beating to death the topic in numerous conversations, I think we've come to an amiable compromise. After a couple of weeks of terminal annoyance over the situation, I think we are good, and on the upswing.
What else? Oh, I have squatters. They are like bedbugs, only they take human form. But they're equally difficult to get rid of. They started as renters who didn't pay on time, ever. Then they were given an eviction notice, but refused to leave. So they remain. Squatting in my house. And the police will not support me in escorting them out, so I have to take them to court. But I don't live in town so I had to wait until I was sick enough to take a day off before I could file paperwork at the courthouse. Oddly, today I am thankful for strep throat. I'll file today. It seems odd to me that they have the right to stay and I have to pay to take them to court, but if I throw their stuff into the front yard, I'd be guilty of a crime. Ridiculous. They shorted me $900 in December, and didn't pay any rent in January (because they are no longer renting, just refusing to go). Jerks. The methods of revenge that have crossed my mind are wicked and varied. I'm mighty annoyed. Anyway, it'll be dealt with soon.
My favorite guy is creeping up on his sixth birthday. Wow! It's wild to think. And he has such a good heart. The other day when we were driving into town, we were talking about good guys and bad guys and we started talking about people in jail (i.e. "bad guys"). And I told him that most people, even those ones, are not usually bad. They just have made poor choices. And Jonah's response? "We should pray for them." And so we did. I love that my boy is turning into this very loving, thoughtful, faithful kid. It's an awesome and exciting thing to witness.
If anything changes, I will update, otherwise feel free to assume my life continues in its painful monotony.
An an aside, a HUGE congratulations to Malia's Mama, and Chad and Laura on their adoptions... it thrills me to see great things happening for you all!! Blessings on you and your children.