That's how I'm feeling lately, which is why I haven't been blogging. I don't want to throw a wet blanket out, when people are starting to get hyped and pumped about the possibility of referrals coming their way. But I'm. just. tired. Tired of waiting, of having people ask, "I thought you were adopting? When's that happening?" And all I can say now is, "Someday." What else can I say? Even in light of referrals coming, it feels like it's a very distant thing for me.
I'm not real proud of how I'm feeling, but a big part of me goes, I wish I'd done the foster-to-adopt through the Alberta government. Because I'd have had my second child oh, probably a year and a half ago. And I wouldn't be paying of this giant line of credit that weighs me down. And I wouldn't have to keep thinking about this hypothetical daughter, because I'd have the real deal. I'm not real patient, and I know many months from now when my referral comes, I'll have to wait even longer. And it'll only get harder.
I'm tempted to keep myself from looking at my daughter's pictures until the visa is issued and I can travel. Because for me to think of this real little girl, growing up in an orphanage when she should be in my arms, is going to kill me. I thought for a long time, that I could wait and wait, but I'm past 15 1/2 months now, and I still see no light in the tunnel. And I'm getting discouraged. I need to harden my heart a little, which doesn't sound like a good thing, but when the alternative is to be crushed by the wait and the discouragement, maybe toughening up isn't so bad. I need to be able to see that there will be an end to it. And while in my head I know it, my heart is not convinced.
Home!
7 years ago
3 comments:
I know. It feels so long, and sometimes it doesn't feel all that real. I hear about referrals (which is great, because I love the stories & the fact it is really happening for people), and can hardly imagine that it will happen to ME. While I didn't want to be one of "those people" who spend years in their adoption journey, I am at least encouraged to know that it does happen for people, even after waiting, and waiting, and waiting...and I am very glad for this online community of folks in the same predicament - it means something to be in this with others!
Great honest post. I know I would feel the same way if I was in your position. I think so many of us have had to put up some big emotional walls so that we stay sane through this crazy process. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but I don't. I try to think of it as the journey that will lead me to my daughter and without this long wait, I would not come to know her. It's all I've got.
Hopefully 2010 will see many, many referrals and you will move on up the list faster than you thought possible (wouldn't that be nice).
Janice
Hey there, I just found your blog VERY randomly...which is always fun :)
I'm sorry that you have been waiting so long....I have been hearing stuff about Ethiopian adoptions slowing down but I didn't know that even the referrals were slowing too.....SO HARD.
I just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement by telling you that I am a foster-to-adopt Mom, and my little Ringo, who has been in our home for almost 17 months, MAY be going back with his birthmama in just a few short weeks(though we are PRAYING AND HOPING that he will stay with us). We have had a long wait too. And now our wait may be ending in empty arms and broken hearts. It's a calculated risk no matter how you look at adoption....from anywhere you adopt. But adopting is such an amazing opportunity and a huge blessing to the little one who will call you Mama someday!
I hope you get to see just a peek of that light at the end of the tunnel today!
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