Nightmares

My favorite guy has picked up what seems like an enormous vocabulary for a four-year old. He was giving me a play-by-play as he moved his Buzz Lightyear in the living room the other day, and he used the word "automatically" a couple of times. There was another word in there that surprised me too, but I can't remember it right now. Then this morning, he asked,
J: Does God bring Christmas presents?
M: No.
J: Jesus?
M: No.
J: So what? Do they just fall randomly from the sky?
I'm not even kidding. What a funny kid.
We've started praying again for my sweet girl. Somewhere in Ethiopia, possibly not even conceived yet. It had been a long stretch over the summer when I only prayed alone about her. I didn't want to even bring it up with Jonah because I didn't know that she would come at all. Now we're saying that when he is six, he will surely have a sister at home. I hope that is very conservative. But who knows. They won't be close in age like I had hoped, but he will definitely remember the day he first met her, as he gets older.
I've decided on a New Year's Resolution. One that I'm excited about keeping and have thought about for some time. Actually, I want it to be more of a lifestyle thing and a mostly permanent deal, but I'll start for sure after Christmas. I am not going to be buying things new anymore, well except for food, gas, underwear, and a few select things. But other clothes? Toys? Household appliances? Vehicles (not that I'll need a new one any time soon)? I'm committing myself to shopping in thrift stores, classified, and kijiji-type websites. And I'm allowed to make some stuff myself.
I've had marriage on my mind lately. Jonah's dad is getting hitched January 2. I'm actually really sad about it, though Lord knows in my mind, I don't want to be with that guy. But my heart is still a little scarred. Yes, it has been four and half years since we split, but still. I had a dream about it last night. That we fell in love again but he had already made plans to marry her and so he did anyway. I woke up with my stomach churning. I don't know why I feel like this. He's been pretty friendly as of late, which is good, but it dredges up old things. Hey family - if you are reading this - I don't want you to comment. Pretend like you never read this. Anyway.
A positive right now: I've been taking Taekwondo a couple times a week, and though I'm exactly as chubby as when I started, I'm really enjoying it. And my instructor told me I can take my belt test next week, so I am pumped (and actually, a bit surprised). Yellow belt, here I come. The only thing I'm nervous about is that I have to do it in front of all these students and parents that I know from school. That and we have to show we can spar. It's a lot of bouncing up and down, which my bladder doesn't love. And it's a test, not in-class practice, so I can't excuse myself to run to the bathroom. Now I'm having nightmares about marriage AND peeing my pants in front of a crowd. Awesome. In fact, I have to decide today if I will in fact take the belt test, because I'm, yeah, stressed out is putting it mildly.
I apologize if that was too much information.