3 Months and a Mid-Life Crisis

Coming up on three months here, and feeling like the time is flying by! I sort of expect that it will feel a lot more like crawling in about 5 months, but right now, I am satisfied to putter around in my everyday world, teaching, parenting, and living. I do have a fine life, that I enjoy more often than not. These last many months have been tough ones for me, but there’s a warm breeze in the air (not literally, unfortunately), and things are looking up.
Report cards are done (painfully) for another term. Usually, I’ll admit there are some assignments that do not make it onto the report card just because they are not marked in time, but I am very proud to say all my marking is now up to date, and from here on, I expect that I will be motivated to keep up, so as not to have the dreaded knot in my stomach that comes with knowing there is a mountain of paperwork waiting for me. Ugh.
My sweet boy’s father has made a return today. I had wrote him a letter saying, basically, that he needed to explain what the heck was happening, that he was not calling or visiting, and that he needed to make a choice to be in or out. And instead of answering the questions, he tried to arrange a visit for this weekend! I’ll have him come to see our boy, but I want him to explain what the… Am I being petty? Be honest; I won’t be offended.
What else, what else? I’ve been thinking more about the whole foster-to-adopt dealie. I don’t know. I really want my girl – no doubt about it – but am I ready to be a mam of two next month? Maybe not. And I know it may not go that fast, but I also know it could. That’s fast. Really fast. And the adoption wouldn’t go through right then, but there would be a baby. The two processes are sort of polar opposite. The one could have me parenting two in mere weeks, while the other will still take over a year (before baby is home with me). I would love an inbetweenie sort of deal. Kind of like the original timeline I expected when I began. Huh. Oh well. It’s not about my time.
I’ll admit I’m sort of having a crisis in my head. Really, my head can be my worst enemy. I’m sure I am not the only one out there with a plan. You know, a plan for my life. There are things I want to do, and things I have expected for my life up until this point, and very few of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. I really thought that by my mid-20’s I would be married and working on building up a family the size of a soccer team. No luck there. It’s hard for me to imagine that Jonah will be my only pregnancy, especially since I found it hard to fully celebrate at the time, for fear of being a single mam, and the uncertainty of how things would work out between his dad and me. The thought of Jonah being my only pregnancy makes me sad. Sorry to anyone reading this who is still eagerly waiting for child #1.
I know people who have divorced, and who maybe wonder when they will meet that great love they’ve wanted, but I’m still waiting on husband #1. Okay, I only want one, so that didn’t come out quite right, but you get the point. I’ve never been married, never lived with a man, unless you consider the many roommates I’ve had. It’s a hard pill to swallow, that I may always be a single, but I guess that’s life. It kind of makes me want to live a much freer life though. Go do good works, be a missionary, build and operate a compound in Africa, providing people with medical care, education, training, supplies for farming and survival, etc. I think sometimes that that’s the reason I am single. I have it in my heart to do that, so maybe that is what I’m meant for. Maybe God knows that if I have a husband, my heart will be on my own family unit instead. Still, I can’t really deal with the idea of being just me from here on. My biological clock is ticking, and for the first time in my life, I realized yesterday, that this is it! There is only one go round. When my body (which has never failed me) is past it’s prime, then that is done. No more bio-babies. That’s it. It’s very final. I know that it’s a common knowledge sort of thing, but still, I’d never though about it before.