Rambling

I have not written in a while! I'm trying to keep adoption off of my mind, because it just makes the wait easier. I'm still waiting to get my amendment back from the province. Over a month now waiting for her to review a three-page document. Kind of annoying, but such is life, I've learned. I'm desperately trying to catch up on marking and school work, and getting ready for midterms exams.
The family came up for the weekend (my mam, sisters and niece and nephew). It was a full house! Full of fun and good company, that is. I was pooped out when they pulled out this afternoon, and so I let my favorite boy watch a little show while I watched the backsides of my eyelids for a few.
My favorite boy has not seen or heard from his father in the last 3+ weeks now. Even though last Sunday, I sent an email for him to call, and Jonah dictated a message for me to type asking him to call as well. Every night, when I ask my boy what he'd like to pray for he says, "My dad, and my heart." So we pray that his dad is well, and that he will call, and that if he doesn't Jonah's heart will feel better. Some may say, just call him! But it's a long-standing issue of him making an effort with our boy, and so we don't call. We leave it up to him. Sigh.
Congrats to those who are heading off to pick up their munchkins (I'm thinking of Ricki and Barb here). I'm looking forward to seeing your exciting dive into parenthood! The upside of the long wait of adoption, is that by the time you get there, you're as ready as you'll ever be, and with adoption, there are no whoops'. It's all very well planned and expected. Or so I hope.
One person commented on my last post, and said something that made me look at the wait and the change in policy in a whole new way. Here's what she (or he) said:
There were many done illegally under the old system...mine included. It sucks to wait for a referral....but it is a MUCH bigger hurt to deal with the knowledge of an unethical adoption for your entire life. We deal with it daily as we see our incredible child and know that the laws were not in place to protect our child and birth family from corruption....and yes...we did adopt in Canada...and the many I am referring to were also Canadian...sad, tragic but true. Though my child is amazing and we are so blessed...I would take a longer wait...much much longer to know that the adoption was ethical and legal.
Wow. I can't say it any better than that. And (s)he's right. I would not want to ever wonder if my child was taken from birth parents who loved her and were able to care for her. I'll definitely take the wait.

Discouraged

My Internet at home is no longer in existence, so my posts may become less frequent as I have to type them up at work when I should be, well, working.
I've been doing so much thinking in the last week or so about the email that was sent out informing us of the changes in court and what not. Brutal. Crappy. That's about all I can say. And I get that it is about keeping kids safe and protecting families, but still. Yuck. I mean, I can't help but wonder how many children adopted under the old procedure were done so illegally. Were there any? I guess I should be happy that they are making a preemptive strike to ensure that it doesn't happen (even if it hasn't been happening up to this point). Well. I don't really know what more to say about it except to echo what probably hundreds of others are thinking or saying. What a disappointment.
When I started this whole thing last year, I thought maybe my girl would be about 3 years younger than my boy. 3 1/2 I guess. Then with the adjusted wait times, I thought, okay, maybe more like 4 years different. But now? My guy turns 4 in April, and I am pretty sure that I will not be seeing my girl's picture until the summer. Scratch that. Fall. Boo.
I really thought that hoping for a summer referral was very reasonable. I thought that I was being safe so I could avoid disappointment. Err on the side of caution, I told myself. But now? I'm not sure I can be cautious enough. I have readjusted my hopes to summer 2010 travel (makes me want to cry), seeing as babes will now have to wait longer to be with their forever families and therefore, will spend more time in the transition homes, and so referrals will also take longer because those referral spots will be occupied by court date babies. I'm trying so hard to be okay with that. But I'm not. This feels like the first in a very long series of let-downs in this process. It honestly makes me question if I'm strong enough. I guess this whole deal makes you strong enough. You don't have a choice, because once you see your sweet babe's face, there is nothing so awful that could make you give her up. But oh, I can see it now... it's going to be a long hard road.
My mam still thinks that maybe I should foster-to-adopt through the province, and I'll admit, it is mighty tempting. I mean, realistically, I am in it now, and I'll stick it out, but how sweet would it be to have a little one with me from birth, and to wait out time for court dates while raising my girl? Mighty sweet. And I know that foster-to-adopt is not a guarantee. When my girl comes home, she is mine. And she will be mine forever. And some foster-to-adoptees will go back to birth parents. But not many. Very very few. If I knew how few when I started, I might've gone that way I'll admit.
I'm not trying to sound like a quitter. I'm in it for the long haul and just have to try and push this out of my mind until the ball gets rolling again. Come on ball. But it is true that I make a conscious effort not to think of it. To fill my mind with anything else. I know I am only two months in, and the wait so far has flown, but it is the mountain ahead of me that has me so discouraged. I hope it's true that prayer can move mountains.

Two Months

Two months! Seems a little like a drop in the pan considering the expected wait times, but I'll take it. This month has pretty much flown by with the holidays. Hey! Maybe what I need to do is quit my job and go on a months-long vacation! That'll make the time fly by! I'll have a referral in no time! Yes, that's an idea.
On another note, here are my two favorite Jonah-conversations of the last few weeks:

Jonah: (Yammering on about something, while I tune out in my own little world of driving)... What do you think about that?
Me: Oh! That's pretty cool.
J: (In disbelief) No it's NOT! A real dinosaur!!!
M: Oh. Um, sounds pretty scary?
J: Well Yeah. It IS!
I still have no idea what we were talking about.

Driving in the car yesterday on the way back to P-town...
J: (Indignantly) What did you do THAT for MOM???
I look into that back seat to see a shiny-faced boy -- think Shawn Mujumder as the sweaty Indian man on This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
M: What happened?
J: You slowed down, and then you started going again (while he was drinking juice from a bottle).
M: (Trying not to laugh) Oh, sorry but someone was turning so I slowed down, and then they turned so I kept going.
J: Oh. (pause) Sorry for getting mad at you mam.
Seriously, who apologizes after being soaked in juice, even if it was an accident? He is a better person than his mama.

Top 10 of 2008/ 2009

Okay, this morning, I just needed to vent. But here we go: the top moments of 2008 and the things I'm looking most forward to in 2009.

Top 5 events of 2008:
1. Finishing my first full year of teaching.
2. Beginning my adoption of my sweet girl (I'm really doing it!).
3. Building the fence in my yard (a small thing maybe, but it occupied the better part of the 2008 growing season!).
4. Seeing my foster sisters again after seven years.
5. Skiing with the family in Jasper this Christmas holiday.

Highly anticipated events of 2009:
1. Getting a referral for my daughter and (here's hoping) passing through court before the year's end.
2. Seeing my favorite boy off to preschool (wow! time flies!)
3. Getting a teaching job in Edmonton and moving back.
4. Selling my trailer in P-town for a lofty profit ;)
5. Meeting the man of my dreams! (well, we'll see on this one!)

Okay, so some of the events of 2009 may be more reasonable than others, but I do expect to get my referral, send Jonah off to preschool, and move back to Edmonton, whether I have a teaching job or not! By the end of this school year, I will have my permanent teacher's certificate, so I could potentially take a different job for a while, or sub until something more permanent comes up at home. I am so hoping to find something there soon!
Actually, truth be told, I am currently debating whether teaching is in the cards for me for the remainder of my career. I have found this year to be one of discouragement after discouragement, and I don't know anymore if this is really what I want. I find working with my hands very satisfying, so maybe a job in the trades is something to look at. I don't know. My sister and brother-in-law have strongly advised me not to make career-altering decisions based on this school year, but I don't know. The other thing that would be nice is to have a job that doesn't require me to take work home nearly ever night! I shouldn't complain, I know, because there are plenty of unemployed teachers out there who would be happy for my job, but it is wearing. I guess in the many months to come we will see how everything pans out.
Here's wishing that my 2009 year works out as well as I hope!

Dynamite

I wanted to write about all the things I loved about last year and all the things I'm looking forward to in the year to come, but that entry will just have to wait a day or two.
I have been religiously stalking the blog of one Dynamite D(whose blog is private, and therefore I am not linking to it), and finally heard news this morning of her second court date. Again, it was a no-go. Seriously! I have known that court does not always go through on the first try, and am trying to prepare myself for the possibility, but to not go through on the second date? I can't imagine. I don't even want to prepare myself for that sort of thing. And yet there it is -- it happens. It happened to D. C-rapp-ee.
I have felt deflated all morning since reading the news. I have felt down-hearted. I have felt like crying. And I have never actually met her! So how must she feel? Words, I'm sure, cannot describe. And I have been following her as she waited for the second court date, and have not known how to comment on her posts. What can you say to someone who is grieving (at not passing through on the first go, and having to delay being united with their child)? I can't say I understand. There is no use trying to see the bright side, because it sucks, and that's all there is to it. And I'm sure that all will work out in the end, but that is little consolation at this point.
I'm so sorry. That's all I know how to say. It probably doesn't help much, but it's all I know how to do. I'm thinking of you D. I'm praying like crazy. I know that many, many of those following your journey are. May January fly by. May the paper-pushers get their stuff together. May your girl be well cared for and may your hearts be healed and uplifted come February 12.