Paper Scramble

Well I guess I needed a lesson in patience -- preparation for the many months ahead. I had to get in my CYIM check from child welfare and the form they sent back to me saying it was okay to do a Home Assessment Report (HAR) on me, plus a T4 so they could know that I make enough to support another little one. So I have all my stuff together and I just keep forgetting to go to the post office before it closes and what-not, and then finally I get organized, throw the stuff (minus T4 which I still can't find, but supplemented with a letter from my employer saying what I do, when I was hired, how much I make and what kind of benefits I get). I get this, along with the binder holding all my international adoption course materials which they want to have a look at before they start the HAR, all together and then right after school on Monday, I book it out of there to get to the post office, only I can't find any of my stuff. Where the heck is it? I think to myself. Then I scour the house, looking everywhere, pilfering through stacks of paper and neglected, unopened mail, but it is nowhere. I've got the binder, but not the little envelope with everything else. So I pray... Okay, God, please help me find the envelope. I really want to get to the post office today and get the ball moving, and I finally made it out of there at a decent hour, so... help me out will you? But still I can't find it. God? Are you there? The post office is going to close in about half an hour. I've looked through all my piles of papers, I was sure it was in my briefcase, but I've looked in every pocket, like 15 times now, so can you lead me to it, please? And then after a few more minutes, I get it God, I need to be more organized. Point made, now can you just let me have it? Okay, I'll make you a deal. You give me the envelope and I will do all the dishes and the rest of the kitchen before I turn on the TV, and I'll fold the laundry, well, at least half, if you give me the envelope in the next minute. By now, I'm getting a little ticked. And I'm crying because I just want to get this stuff off and get this HAR going so I can get approved, get matched and have my daughter here. It seems like, every day, is another day I don't get to have her. And then I can't help but think, that maybe this is not supposed to happen. That maybe God is saying, I am just not patient enough to be a mother of two. I think to myself, I was sure we were together on this. But I always sort of wonder where God's will is compared to mine. Am I ignoring him because what he tells me is not what I want to hear? I know I've done that before. In church a few weeks ago, Pastor Chad was talking about how God doesn't keep his perfect will for our lives hidden from us. If we live pure lives and are motivated to do something that is good and will glorify Him, then that is his perfect will. But at this point, I'm wondering if I am wrong. So despite all the searching, I turn up nothing. I'm frustrated, irritated, bummed out. But then I think, maybe there is a reason. Maybe I'm not meant to be matched so soon. Maybe there will be a little gal who is perfect for this family and is meant to be with us, but she won't be ready for a little while. Maybe there is no huge rush. But later in the evening I can't help but think, Okay God, I get it. Patience. I don't have enough. It's not my strength. This was a lesson, a sign of things to come -- all the waiting and red tape and hassle that is keeping my little gal from us. I will work on it. I will try to remember this when it happens next (as it surely will). Eye on the prize. One day, I will be able to pick her up in Ethiopia. One day I will be able to hold her and call her mine. One day I will have a little girl. One day. And I can wait... Eye on the prize.
The next day, lunch, I'm like, Okay! I know it has to be here -- I KNOW it's here! I have half an hour to get to the post office and back before the kids come in from lunch recess. I can do it. But I still haven't found it. I have the binder, I've searched my house, car, briefcase, classroom, locker, mailbox and every other place I can think of, but it still hasn't turned up. I came into the staffroom and knelt down to look one more time in my briefcase. But first a little prayer, Please let it be here. And I open the top pocket, which I'm sure I did so many times yesterday, and there it is. Not hidden -- the pocket isn't big enough to hide anything. There it is. I close my eyes and smile and thank God. Lesson learned, and here we are moving forward again. I sent it off express and the lady at ABC said the letter from my employer is just fine. I can get a T4 later, when crazy tax time has ebbed away a bit.
I've started buying clothes now. I mean, I had already bought a couple of little things, starting with a little shirt I found a couple of months ago. I saw it at the No Frills store for $4 and it was so cute, I couldn't help myself. It's all size 2 or bigger. And it may seem a little strange, but I don't care. I bought little things for Jonah in utero, and I am expecting... eventually. She's in utero somewhere out there! I don't tell many people about it, but my mam knows and my friend Becky knows. Melanie (my sister) I don't know how much to tell because she is not so supportive. She doesn't agree. She thinks adoption is a good thing -- just not for me. I don't really understand, so I don't really go into it with her. There's no point. I don't know if it's because I'm a single person adopting or just because I'm me, but whatever. I do love my life -- there is a lot of freedom in being single -- and I love living where I do and having the friends and family I have. I have a blessed life. But it would be nice to have someone to come home to. That's neither here nor there though. So anyway.
I got my evaluation from the principal for my first year of teaching. According to the report, I meet or exceed all areas included in the evaluation. And he said he will recommend me for a continuous contract. Awesome! It all falls into place. A continuous contract means stability, and more importantly -- maternity leave! Yes! So I will have a good chunk of time to spend with my little one, and though initially I thought I would just take 6 months for financial reasons, I'm thinking more and more I will take the full year, because it will be good for bonding, and otherwise I will have to pay to have 2 little ones at the family day home, because Jonah won't be in school full-time yet when she comes. At $10,000 per year for the two, I may as well make a little less and enjoy a little more time at home.