Still Beginning

(April 26, 2008)
Well, I’m still waiting. Of course. I’m barely into the process. I heard back from the ABC folks, that I’m missing a couple of things from my application – the Alberta Government International Adoption Application, my T4 from the past year and I have to send in my Child Welfare check when it clears. And then they will get the home assessment report moving. It should be good. Hopefully we’ll have the HAR on the way by the end of May. And then I think they just have to put it in my file and then it should be okay. I think once that’s done, they can send my file off to the Alberta Government for approval, and after that to the agency and I hope a recommendation in 3-6 months. My heart is aching a bit. It’s a bit like being pregnant, because, you know, I’m expecting. I don’t know when though, and that’s the big difference. Already I’m feeling anxious. That does not bode well for me having a non-emotional-rollercoaster kind of adoption experience. I’m still so excited though. I bought some little dresses a while back, and then I saw some great deals on ebay. Granted, the clothes will not be worn by my girl for several years, but even so, good deals, and they will be used – eventually. I even got a couple of little shirts today that are in smaller sizes (2-3). I just like to build up clothes in advance when I can get the best deals. I did the same for Jonah.I worked my way through the International Adoption course a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty eye-opening. Things that I never thought of came up. Some of it was kind of scary. I guess I started off thinking that adopting a little black girl wasn’t really a big deal. But it really is. I can’t just raise her like a little white girl. Identity, the article explained, is based in part on your family group, and in part on your societal group (including your racial group). Of course, it makes sense. I am Canadian, but if anyone here asks, I say I’m Dutch. It is my ancestry, where I’ve come from and it plays a part in who I am. It was silly not to consider this for my girl. Of course, she is Ethiopian, and needs to know that side of herself, and will. And the other thing – although I expected we would eventually need to move from Provost to a less racist place, I never really identified a greater reason than that to move. But then I learned, because of her ancestry, she needs someone who can teach her and coach her in that part of her life. I can love her and support her and give her family, but I can’t give her understanding when it comes to race issues. I can learn all I can about Ethiopian culture and history, but I can’t be black for her, and I can’t understand totally what it is to be black. I need to make friends that are black so she can find a mentor for that part of her. The other reason we will have to move at some point is that I want her to be confident enough to make good decisions and fear that if she is in a community where she is already noticeably different, then she may choose to become a follower, just so that she isn’t any more different. I would hate for her to feel as if she needs to do the same as this bunch just to fit in. And then there are relationships as she gets older. Of course she will want to date and I want her to have the opportunity, but the articles mentioned that even thought she will have friends all through out elementary in a small white community, there will likely come problems when she is older and wants to date. Parents may have issues with her at that point just based on the color of her skin. So frustrating. So it is very likely that we will find ourselves near the city (near enough to attend school there) within the next 10 years again. Oh well. It’s a sacrifice that we are of course, willing to make.