Or Not.

Soooo... anyway. Yesterday: rough day. I think my phone call to MoT in the morning in which I burst into tears and refused to leave a message because nobody ever calls back anyway may have been traced back to me. Because after a month of waiting, I was sent an email yesterday afternoon. My file is indeed still sitting on a desk in Ontario. It has not been sent to the embassy in Ottawa; it surely is not in Ethiopia. But apparently, because this is the update (maybe?), it doesn't have to go through those things to put me officially back on the list. She said I'm officially waiting. In fact, I'm #5 on the list, and #3 for a referral for a little gal up to 24 months. Blarg. This process sucks. It's the most up and down I've ever been in my life. I'm starting to feel a little manic. Like I was a normal person at the beginning of this thing, when they did my home study, and now I've gone a little nuts -- a little emotionally wrecked. So yeah. Today is better than yesterday (thank goodness!). I think I'll change my blog name now. BTW, thanks all for your encouragement. It was much needed.
P.S. My boy just pulled out his first tooth :D

Realization

Soooo... I think I might be done. Sounds like adoptions are slowing way down due to policy changes in Ethiopia (some sound good, some less so), my agency has been completely ignoring me for a solid month now -- not returning calls or emails, so, yeah. I think I'm done. I won't pull my file, but it seems highly unlikely that it is going to be moving off a desk in Ontario any time soon, and so I guess I need to move on with life and kiss my someday girl, and a load of cash good-bye. This sucks. I'm now bracing myself for the news that my realistic self says is coming around the corner: this is not to be. I don't know what to say to my son. Do I say anything? Do I just stop talking about adoption and hope he forgets? Just when I think my outlook can't get more bleak, somehow it manages.
So now what? Paint her room? Box up her toys? Donate her clothes (Or ebay them? They really are lovely.) I think the first two for sure -- maybe make an office I don't need. And then put it all in storage somewhere that I don't need to look at it anymore.
FML.

I hate my agency. That is all.