Broken

I'll admit I have no desire to blog or read blogs these days. My adoption currently resides in the crapper. Things I had to do didn't get done because I was unaware. My own fault, but still. My adoption is on hold. My agency is no more; we've been shifted. I don't really understand. I started this over three years ago. Thought it would be done two and a half years ago. Still, no girl. Daughterless mam, sisterless boy. We pray for her, but it hurts my heart. I bought her a beautiful doll that arrived last week. It made me cry to see it sit in her crib. Will she ever hold it? I'm unconvinced that things will work out. I'm quitting my job at the end of the school year, but have nothing to go to. I get paid through the summer, and so am padded while I look for work. Risky? Maybe. But I can't handle being so far from people I love. So isolated: an island in this community. Will they (agency/ courts) reject me if I am looking for work? Probably. But for three years life has been on hold. I can't stand it any longer. I never thought I'd reach these depths. I thought I was strong and tough and could roll with the punches. But I'm overflowing with brokenness right now. Broken.