So much about this whole process has been filled with uncertainty. The bankruptcy, the new court policy requiring parents to now be at court... I'm honestly waiting for them to pass legislation disallowing single women from adopting. I don't even want to think about it, but I am now so on edge about this adoption.
For the first time since the summer/ bankruptcy, I honestly don't know if this is the end for me. I want to be positive and let it roll off my back, but I'm under so much weight and stress from this whole thing, that I'm crushed flat. I bawled my eyes out on Friday. I did not know how I could go on, given the new policy. I don't have the money. I'm in debt up to my eyes and just feel so overwhelmed by it. When this first started, I thought it'd be about 20000, including travel. And now, add to that another 4000 for bankruptcy and 5000 for travelling twice. Wow. That is a huge difference.
It shouldn't be about the money. But how can it not be? 29000 is almost half of what I paid for my house! Yes I live in the sticks. I have a few days to decide, because I still have to fork out 2000 this month for my last (so they say) agency fee. I don't honestly know if I can hang on much longer. What with orphanages not sending referrals, and increasing costs, and the ever-looming threat of changing policy to exclude single women from adopting... I'm a wreck. Can I hang on for another year for a referral? I doubt it.
The stupid thing is that my whole heart wants to be doing missions work right now. I'm waiting until this adoption is through to go and do it, because I can't do an adoption when I'm not living in Canada, according to agency protocol. But if I were living and serving in Africa, I could probably adopt, oh, next month! But I can't walk away from this. It's like I'm stuck in the mud. I can't move at all.
I know that in the end, I'll soldier on. Really, do I have much choice, when I'm in it so deep already? But this is getting to be too much.
On the upside, I've realized I need to distract myself, and with this month's free preview of the DIY Network, I have decide to take on a series of projects to keep me sane. I'm starting a new blog, where you can check in with what I'm doing while I wait, and wait,, and panic, and throw up a little, and cry, and wait. Here it is, though I haven't really started: melissaneedsahobby.blogspot.com
Home!
8 years ago
6 comments:
I know, it's so tough to know what to do...I've been having lots of the same thoughts. I keep plodding along with everyone else, because I haven't had a better or more clear idea, but there are some misgivings as well. I know people are trying to be encouraging when they give all the pat answers about how things will work out, it will happen eventually, etc. But it's not really a loss of faith or fortitude that requires cheerleading to stick with it - I genuinely want to know if this is what I SHOULD be sticking with...If so, then fine, I can do it. If not, then I don't want to spend more time just sitting on it. I hope things become clear for you over the next little while.
oh do i know how you feel. If i didnt feel so confidant that this is what God has planned for us...i would have quit last week. why so much more crap???? praying that we all find a way to hang in there.
gosh, sorry it has gotten to be so much more complicated and expensive than you envisioned. i say hang in there as long as possible. you have come so far, you know? i almost gave up too several times.. also tested many times. the money will come through somehow, someway - you just gotta believe that. have faith.
((hugs))
Hey Melissa,
it's 2:15 am here in BC and I cannot sleep so I got up on the computer to check something and found your blog.
I am with the same agency and your writing has mirrored my own thoughts.
People kindly ask, "any word" and when I tell them the latest they reply back, "oh, you are so patient".
I smile but inside I am know I am not so patient. In fact, I usually tell them, no God is the patient one, that is patient with me. I have cried many of the same tears. It's hard and I understand.
Just tonight a close friend said to us, "just think of the story you will have to tell when this is all done". His faith puts me to shame.
My husband grew up overseas and realizes all that it takes to work through the red tape, on both sides. I guess this is why it is referred to as a journey.
Short or in this case long, you have folks with you.
Oh Melissa..tough decisions to make. Thinking of you and hoping you can find the right path for you and your little boy!
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