Broken

I'll admit I have no desire to blog or read blogs these days. My adoption currently resides in the crapper. Things I had to do didn't get done because I was unaware. My own fault, but still. My adoption is on hold. My agency is no more; we've been shifted. I don't really understand. I started this over three years ago. Thought it would be done two and a half years ago. Still, no girl. Daughterless mam, sisterless boy. We pray for her, but it hurts my heart. I bought her a beautiful doll that arrived last week. It made me cry to see it sit in her crib. Will she ever hold it? I'm unconvinced that things will work out. I'm quitting my job at the end of the school year, but have nothing to go to. I get paid through the summer, and so am padded while I look for work. Risky? Maybe. But I can't handle being so far from people I love. So isolated: an island in this community. Will they (agency/ courts) reject me if I am looking for work? Probably. But for three years life has been on hold. I can't stand it any longer. I never thought I'd reach these depths. I thought I was strong and tough and could roll with the punches. But I'm overflowing with brokenness right now. Broken.

Adoptions, Relationships and Squatters

Well, things are continuing to cruise along in life. There's nothing happening with my adoption. I know it will. Someday. Maybe even someday soon! Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it might be on its way. According to the yahoo! spreadsheet, there's only one family ahead of me with a similar request. That's not to say others don't exist, but I can only see one which is encouraging.
I'm actually a little anxious about it, because I'm in the middle of a sort of transitional time in my life, and I'd like to not be in limbo when my request comes. After many many months of applying for jobs, I had an interview for a position in a decent-sized town, closer to the family. I'd only be an hour from my mam's house, 45 minutes to the boyfriend. That'd be a nice change from the three-hour drive I'm currently enduring. I sucked that interview like no interview I'd ever sucked before. It was enormously frustrating, but I hold out hope that they see some promise in me. It's not a rocket scientist position; I'm sure I could pick it up. Sigh. They emailed the next day to get my CRIM and CYIM checks done, and I thought that was probably standard, but then a little birdie (a couple actually) said that it was not standard. So then my hopes are up. But my references have not been contacted, so then my hopes are dashed. Sigh. They said they'd get back to me in two to three weeks, and today is three weeks (boo). But it is government and government sucks at working in a timely matter (hope?). Sigh. Whether or not I have a job in or close to town by the end of the school year, I intend to move home (or closer, anyway) over the summer. I officially hate where my life is at: on pause. It's been on pause for years and I'm tired of it.
Things with the boyfriend are okay. We generally get along and enjoy each others' company very much, but we have areas of conflict that we are working through too. I suppose it's a pretty normal sort of thing. It would be nice, too, to live close to town so we can date like regular people rather than not seeing each other for days and then having super-concentrated weekends. We had a good chat a few weeks ago and recognized that we need to slow down a bit, but my definition of "slow down" and his are not the same. His falls more into the category of "reverse" it seems. So admittedly, I've been frustrated with how things are going. After beating to death the topic in numerous conversations, I think we've come to an amiable compromise. After a couple of weeks of terminal annoyance over the situation, I think we are good, and on the upswing.
What else? Oh, I have squatters. They are like bedbugs, only they take human form. But they're equally difficult to get rid of. They started as renters who didn't pay on time, ever. Then they were given an eviction notice, but refused to leave. So they remain. Squatting in my house. And the police will not support me in escorting them out, so I have to take them to court. But I don't live in town so I had to wait until I was sick enough to take a day off before I could file paperwork at the courthouse. Oddly, today I am thankful for strep throat. I'll file today. It seems odd to me that they have the right to stay and I have to pay to take them to court, but if I throw their stuff into the front yard, I'd be guilty of a crime. Ridiculous. They shorted me $900 in December, and didn't pay any rent in January (because they are no longer renting, just refusing to go). Jerks. The methods of revenge that have crossed my mind are wicked and varied. I'm mighty annoyed. Anyway, it'll be dealt with soon.
My favorite guy is creeping up on his sixth birthday. Wow! It's wild to think. And he has such a good heart. The other day when we were driving into town, we were talking about good guys and bad guys and we started talking about people in jail (i.e. "bad guys"). And I told him that most people, even those ones, are not usually bad. They just have made poor choices. And Jonah's response? "We should pray for them." And so we did. I love that my boy is turning into this very loving, thoughtful, faithful kid. It's an awesome and exciting thing to witness.
If anything changes, I will update, otherwise feel free to assume my life continues in its painful monotony.
An an aside, a HUGE congratulations to Malia's Mama, and Chad and Laura on their adoptions... it thrills me to see great things happening for you all!! Blessings on you and your children.

Christmas is coming, The goose (not me) is getting fat

So life goes on. Congrats to the several families who have had referrals made in the past month or so. Exciting to see families coming to completion. One of those referrals was similar to my own, so I have two families with similar requests ahead of me (that I know of). This is good news.

Christmas is coming and I'm getting ready. I'm done shopping for my son, and my nieces and nephews and one of my sisters. Two sisters, one brother-in-law, and a mother left to shop for and we are good to go. I highly recommend the Melissa & Doug puppets -- well-made, and fairly priced. Caucasian-looking, although the skin is ethnically obscure, and the few with dark hair could pass for other races. When did I start shopping like this???! I don't care. It's good to be aware. I bought one for each of my sister's kids.

The boyfriend and I are going to choose a show or concert or something (maybe dinner theatre), and buy that together. It'll be fun; we both like getting stuff to do over stuff to have, and we're still not at a place where we are sure of what to buy each other. That part of my life is going very well. Very well. I'm super-pleased, and I think the family will eventually see him as I do. Sigh. Life is ooooookay.