Attachment and Settling

I didn't know for a while what to write, because for many months, we saw progress, punctuated with long bouts of awfulness.  But that seems to be fading. The progress keeps coming and the awful becomes less frequent, shorter, and less awful.  My B is starting to be so much more like a kid who's always had a family.
He's not testing me nearly as much.  I think he's realized that I will be stoic and consistent no matter what, and even though he still takes the odd poke at me just to see if he can break me, I've learned that completely unemotional reactions, and always offering him two choices works miracles.  Like, I might say, "You can continue screaming, but you'll have to go outside, or you can cut it out now."  And then I follow through.  Every time.  And so now he knows.  We've been doing attachment counseling, and when asked what he loves most about me, his answer was that I always do what I say I'm going to.  I can't ask for better feedback than that.  Good or bad, he knows I'm at least predictable.  Our counselor has told me that that is as valuable as the face-to-face play (for example, pretending with action figures, or puppets, or playing store -- not things like crafts or games where the focus is on the board as opposed to each other) in building attachment.  Those are the keys, basically in attachment:  intense one-to-one face time playing, or face-painting each other, or tracing each other's hands, or massaging each other's hands or feet -- basically touch and eye-contact.  But being predictable also creates trust and a feeling of safety, which is good.  I don't really feel like he's attaching super well, but it's coming.
He tests everyone else though, and that's a challenge, because I can't always be there.  School, afterschool care, at Oma's... he doesn't consistently behave at any of them.  I was called into the principal's office when I picked him up yesterday -- second day of school!!!
Anyway.
One thing I've found about B is that he really wants to know his back story.  And I don't really have the answers.  So I say to him, "Do you want me to make up a story?"  And he says yes, so then I'll tell him a story.  He knows they aren't real, but they are usually a fair bit more exciting than regular life.  Last night, Jonah had homework to find out the story of how he got his name.  And so I made up a story for B too.  It involved a purse-snatching and heroic rescue.  I don't know what the right thing to do about this is, but it's the best I can do.
Summer was good.  We spent three weeks at my father's cottage on one of the islands of the St. Lawrence, and the boys played and swam, and fished, and tubed all day.  It was awesome too, that they really didn't have anyone but each other to play with, so the bonding happened there.  Before, Jonah flat-out told me that he wanted B gone.  And he didn't want me to continue with Ethiopia either.  That broke my heart a little.  But now, even though they can be ugly when they fight, most of the time, they play so well together.  I fought with my sister too.  Like threw a bag of milk at her, and banged her head on the ground ugly fighting.  But most of my memories of our childhood are things like building snow forts, and summer forts, and pretending, and that sort of thing.  And I know she thinks the same.
Jonah is now in grade two.  There were 31 kids enrolled in his class by the time he walked in there Tuesday morning, but after school, they reworked the classes and now there are, I think, 23.  Thank goodness.  Brand new teacher was looking mighty frazzled by the end of the first day.  She looked significantly better when I picked him up yesterday.
So, Ethiopia.  I put myself on hold, to let B settle, but only during some very ugly weeks did I think I'd have to walk away from it completely.  Now, home life is pretty smooth, and I'm ready to go.  I talked to Anne Scully at the department a couple of weeks ago, and found out that Alberta doesn't actually have a mandatory wait time.  She also said that since Ethiopia takes forever to process paperwork, there's no point in pausing at all.  As long as baby is more than a year different in age, I'm good to go.  So I'm going.  I'm picking up some remnants of paper work right away, and we're off.  Hopefully, it'll be done by March, or I'll need another bleeding home study update.  Grr.  I should be somewhere near the top of the list anyway, so I guess we'll see.

Yes I Did

So, if anyone still checks in, I thought I'd better let you all know how things went after my last blog post. 
I was indeed found to be the most suitable home for young B, who was a little munchkin that I worked with at the group home when I moved back to Edmonton last summer.  I spent several 12-hour Saturday shifts in his unit, and got to know him pretty well.  It's funny, because when I first met him, I thought he was one of the toughest little ones in there, because he was so stand-offish.  But as he became more comfortable with me and got to know me better, he started wanting to be around me more.  And he responded well to me as I am (generally) calm and straight-forward, logical in consequencing, and consistent, which always works best with kids in care. 

Jonah in the Dominican February 2012

Anyway, long story short, after several conversations, and behavior which may have bordered stalking (via phone -- me to the social worker), the social worker was pushed pressured bribed coaxed into making up his dang mind.  He takes a frustratingly long time to do anything (so it seems to me).  A week after Jonah and I returned from a sweet eight-day all-inclusive getaway to the Dominican Republic ($570 each!!), young B was placed in our home.
And it's been a total crazy house ever since.
Really.
One of the reasons I haven't updated, is that I'm ridonkulously busy with the boys and my new job (subbing for Edmonton Public!  Yay!!!), but the other reason, is that since the end of the really short honeymoon, it's been pretty much awful around here.  Yep.  Crappy.  I couldn't find a euphemism for crappy.
It's not that there hasn't been gains.  B is settling in alright.  He knows the routines and expectations, and is doing okay with following them.  I wasn't much of a parent for routine before, but I didn't have to be with just Jonah.  B, on the other hand, needs it.  He can be a very likeable little guy, but he can also escalate so quickly and loudly that you'd never have seen it coming.  That's tough to deal with: the screaming.  There are other things too:  pooping his pants, whining constantly, manipulating, ignoring, etc.  And it's been really hard on Jonah, which is difficult for me to see.  He's easily frustrated by B, constantly being rejected (because everything has to be on B's terms -- he has spent a lifetime having very little power over his life, and so what he can hang on to, he does), and probably feels like B is a threat to his formerly secure spot as #1 kid in my life.
So yeah, it's been tough.  And some days, I didn't think I could do it.  And so I didn't want to announce it until I was sure I could actually parent this boy.  I still honestly don't know.  It's been nearly four months, and he seems no more attached to me than when he came.  We're in attachment counselling, but I don't know if he'll ever stop loving whoever gives him sweets, and hating those who deny him.  That's really how he is right now.
So that's where we're at.  The actual adoption of B is on hold until I am more certain of its stability, and Ethiopia is on hold until the family stabilizes.  I can see why they make you wait!  And the other reason I need to be very sure before signing any permanency papers is that if I do, and then I was not successful at parenting him (like, say when he's a teen), and the adoption were to break down, then according to the government, I would be responsible for causing a child to come into the care of the department, and I would no longer have a clean child welfare check (without which I cannot get a teaching job).  It all seems so much more complicated now than it did half a year ago.
I know this seems like a sort of downer update, but it's honestly not.  He does show progress and the people who know him well all agree that with the proper upbringing, this boy has loads of potential.  I just need to remember that when he's screaming his head off, smelling like feces.
Eye on the prize ;)

B getting ready to wall climb at single moms`camp May 2012

With my boys on the beach May 2012 (you`d never guess by the size

difference that they`re only nine months apart, would you?)

Note:  B's face can't be revealed until the adoption goes through completely.

On Hold

Sooo... it looks like my file will be on hold. By my choice.
It looks like a domestic adoption, something that I hadn't even really explored, is in the cards for me. I can't say with 100% certainty that this is a go, but from what the munchkin's social worker has indicated, it is extremely likely. Without divulging too much too soon, I can say that in the very near future, my son will likely have a new brother. And I just might be the mother of (count them!) TWO six year olds. Yeah. Wow. I'll let you all know when I know with certainty.
Pray for me that if this is meant to be, then it will be.

Or Not.

Soooo... anyway. Yesterday: rough day. I think my phone call to MoT in the morning in which I burst into tears and refused to leave a message because nobody ever calls back anyway may have been traced back to me. Because after a month of waiting, I was sent an email yesterday afternoon. My file is indeed still sitting on a desk in Ontario. It has not been sent to the embassy in Ottawa; it surely is not in Ethiopia. But apparently, because this is the update (maybe?), it doesn't have to go through those things to put me officially back on the list. She said I'm officially waiting. In fact, I'm #5 on the list, and #3 for a referral for a little gal up to 24 months. Blarg. This process sucks. It's the most up and down I've ever been in my life. I'm starting to feel a little manic. Like I was a normal person at the beginning of this thing, when they did my home study, and now I've gone a little nuts -- a little emotionally wrecked. So yeah. Today is better than yesterday (thank goodness!). I think I'll change my blog name now. BTW, thanks all for your encouragement. It was much needed.
P.S. My boy just pulled out his first tooth :D

Realization

Soooo... I think I might be done. Sounds like adoptions are slowing way down due to policy changes in Ethiopia (some sound good, some less so), my agency has been completely ignoring me for a solid month now -- not returning calls or emails, so, yeah. I think I'm done. I won't pull my file, but it seems highly unlikely that it is going to be moving off a desk in Ontario any time soon, and so I guess I need to move on with life and kiss my someday girl, and a load of cash good-bye. This sucks. I'm now bracing myself for the news that my realistic self says is coming around the corner: this is not to be. I don't know what to say to my son. Do I say anything? Do I just stop talking about adoption and hope he forgets? Just when I think my outlook can't get more bleak, somehow it manages.
So now what? Paint her room? Box up her toys? Donate her clothes (Or ebay them? They really are lovely.) I think the first two for sure -- maybe make an office I don't need. And then put it all in storage somewhere that I don't need to look at it anymore.
FML.

I hate my agency. That is all.

Finally.

I'm back on the wagon. Finally. FINALLY!! I have waited and waited and waited for my Interpol check to come. And it finally did. I submitted it in March. Waited. Waited. Wondered, "What the heck?" Waited. Check the website. It claims processing times upwards of 120 days. Waited. Called. Talked to an automated voice. Tried to convince robot to let me speak to a person. Gave up. Waited. Had a fit. Emailed. Waited. Eventually got the response, "Sorry, who are you? Name and DOB, please." Waited. Got a response: "Your Interpol check was processed in March, and returned to sender. Give us a new address and we'll send it." WHAT THE JUNK???! Returned to sender and then it sat for half a year in a pile of dead mail. So. Dang. Frustrating. The address was right even. Street address as opposed to PO Box though. But still returned, because even in a town of 2000 where I can walk into the post office and the gals there know me by name and box number without even looking, they couldn't be bothered to correct the problem. And to add insult to injury, they new I was waiting. I've been chatting with them about it for years as the process went along. An honest mistake? A passive-aggressive jab? Probably the former, but truly, I'm so raw right now that it's hard not to take it personally.
I gave up my teaching position for the year and moved to Edmonton, in anticipation of my adoption being completed. Was worried I'd need to go back to the drawing board with a new home study. Found out some good news for the first time in a long time: unnecessary. Hallelujah. It's a one-year leave as opposed to a resignation, so that worked out well.
So now my poop is officially in a group. Papers notarized and in order. Getting couriered off to Toronto today.
I don't know how to feel about this whole thing anymore. I was so pumped for so long. And even in the downs, I was ever-hopeful that sometime it would work. Well, except those few weeks following the bankruptcy. I was determined to be the optimist. But my someday girl somehow turned into a maybe girl and then a who-knows-what girl? It felt unreal. And impossible. Or at least improbable. But last week after getting papers notarized, I actually was able to think of her as real. When I prayed for her, she wasn't my hypothetical girl. She was again my someday girl. And I choose to think she's my soon-day girl. She's coming. Thank goodness. Cause I'm not sure how much longer I can endure.

She's Aliiive!

Funny, I thought about closing this blog the last few months. I still don't have my INTERPOL check, which is what is keeping me on hold... still. It's been four and a half months now that I've been waiting. And I called them a couple of months ago to find out what the heck, and the phones there are automated. No way for me to find out it they even got it. I expressposted it, so they should have. Still, it is extremely frustrating.
Anyway, I would check out this blog on rare occasion, and read others almost not at all. It's hard on my heart, this wait, and though I love following families as they go, and celebrating with them in their small and large victories (BTW Congrats Brenda and Mike!! I totally missed that until today -- sorry for the delay), it was just really tough. I'm feeling very much like this might never happen. Anyway, sometimes I would check to see if anyone commented, if anyone still read this thing, and nothing. BUT, at my low point, which was this morning, when I went to close it down, I found all these comments waiting for my approval... What? People are actually still out there? Turns out I switched my settings a while back when I was dating that fellow my family didn't approve of (they were right about him!), because I didn't want to have them say anything negative (Heheheh -- when I can get the last word, well, I like to take advantage of it). So thank you to those whose comments lifted me up this morning. You may have posted months ago, but it was today in my darkest moment, when I needed those words most, that I got them. Thank you :)
So this INTERPOL thing, I will try again. Send it off a second time, with a note that if it has already been processed, they can just send me my money back. Whatever.
In other news, I took a leap of faith, and moved back to the city, taking a one year leave from my position, and desperately hoping something will come up, job-wise. As of right now, I have been hired back on call at the group home where I used to work, which is a humbling thing as it feels very much like I've taken two steps back. I am waiting to hear back from the province on a social work position, which I'm not holding my breath on. It's the third interview in six months I've had with the region. And they keep emailing me and encouraging me to apply which seems good, but then they don't hire me. I can't tell if they see potential, or if I'm the butt of some cruel office joke. Time will tell. I'm also taking a summer French course to make myself more marketable so the school district sees I can teach French. The only way in right now is through French. Maybe they won't send me a letter telling me I'm not even worth keeping in their filing cabinet, like they did last fall :(
I moved into the house I bought last summer, and am nearly done the renos. New hardwood, paint, kitchen, bathroom... delight! It's this tiny little century-old home I adore. I was told when I bought it that it was 998 sqft, but of course it also says, "measurements to be verified by the buyer," which is standard, but I didn't, and thought even if they are off a bit, it shouldn't be by much. Yeah, right!! When I measured it for flooring, it turns out it's actually more like 780 sqft. That's a huge difference! It's still the same size and fits us the same, but the price per sqft is not the value I thought it was. Oh well. Such is life. Jonah's room, my girl's room, and the living room are pretty much done, as is the bathroom. The kitchen is on its way, and my bedroom... well, let's change the subject. I about a month when everything is just so, I will post pics.
So that's it. Great big scary changes and powerlessness are the current themes of my life. If you are a pray-er, I could use some warriors sending up a word for a decent job, and an INTERPOL check. Please don't ask God to smite the people in Ottawa who complete the checks, because then it will really take long. Wait until I let you know I've received it. Just kidding. Ish.
Hope you all have an awesome summer. We're doing the budget holiday this year (as in "not"), but there are a million free things to keep oneself entertained around Edmonton, unlike the town we just moved from. Hey! I'll count my blessings. And they are numerous. Sometimes I just need to remember that.

Broken

I'll admit I have no desire to blog or read blogs these days. My adoption currently resides in the crapper. Things I had to do didn't get done because I was unaware. My own fault, but still. My adoption is on hold. My agency is no more; we've been shifted. I don't really understand. I started this over three years ago. Thought it would be done two and a half years ago. Still, no girl. Daughterless mam, sisterless boy. We pray for her, but it hurts my heart. I bought her a beautiful doll that arrived last week. It made me cry to see it sit in her crib. Will she ever hold it? I'm unconvinced that things will work out. I'm quitting my job at the end of the school year, but have nothing to go to. I get paid through the summer, and so am padded while I look for work. Risky? Maybe. But I can't handle being so far from people I love. So isolated: an island in this community. Will they (agency/ courts) reject me if I am looking for work? Probably. But for three years life has been on hold. I can't stand it any longer. I never thought I'd reach these depths. I thought I was strong and tough and could roll with the punches. But I'm overflowing with brokenness right now. Broken.

Adoptions, Relationships and Squatters

Well, things are continuing to cruise along in life. There's nothing happening with my adoption. I know it will. Someday. Maybe even someday soon! Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it might be on its way. According to the yahoo! spreadsheet, there's only one family ahead of me with a similar request. That's not to say others don't exist, but I can only see one which is encouraging.
I'm actually a little anxious about it, because I'm in the middle of a sort of transitional time in my life, and I'd like to not be in limbo when my request comes. After many many months of applying for jobs, I had an interview for a position in a decent-sized town, closer to the family. I'd only be an hour from my mam's house, 45 minutes to the boyfriend. That'd be a nice change from the three-hour drive I'm currently enduring. I sucked that interview like no interview I'd ever sucked before. It was enormously frustrating, but I hold out hope that they see some promise in me. It's not a rocket scientist position; I'm sure I could pick it up. Sigh. They emailed the next day to get my CRIM and CYIM checks done, and I thought that was probably standard, but then a little birdie (a couple actually) said that it was not standard. So then my hopes are up. But my references have not been contacted, so then my hopes are dashed. Sigh. They said they'd get back to me in two to three weeks, and today is three weeks (boo). But it is government and government sucks at working in a timely matter (hope?). Sigh. Whether or not I have a job in or close to town by the end of the school year, I intend to move home (or closer, anyway) over the summer. I officially hate where my life is at: on pause. It's been on pause for years and I'm tired of it.
Things with the boyfriend are okay. We generally get along and enjoy each others' company very much, but we have areas of conflict that we are working through too. I suppose it's a pretty normal sort of thing. It would be nice, too, to live close to town so we can date like regular people rather than not seeing each other for days and then having super-concentrated weekends. We had a good chat a few weeks ago and recognized that we need to slow down a bit, but my definition of "slow down" and his are not the same. His falls more into the category of "reverse" it seems. So admittedly, I've been frustrated with how things are going. After beating to death the topic in numerous conversations, I think we've come to an amiable compromise. After a couple of weeks of terminal annoyance over the situation, I think we are good, and on the upswing.
What else? Oh, I have squatters. They are like bedbugs, only they take human form. But they're equally difficult to get rid of. They started as renters who didn't pay on time, ever. Then they were given an eviction notice, but refused to leave. So they remain. Squatting in my house. And the police will not support me in escorting them out, so I have to take them to court. But I don't live in town so I had to wait until I was sick enough to take a day off before I could file paperwork at the courthouse. Oddly, today I am thankful for strep throat. I'll file today. It seems odd to me that they have the right to stay and I have to pay to take them to court, but if I throw their stuff into the front yard, I'd be guilty of a crime. Ridiculous. They shorted me $900 in December, and didn't pay any rent in January (because they are no longer renting, just refusing to go). Jerks. The methods of revenge that have crossed my mind are wicked and varied. I'm mighty annoyed. Anyway, it'll be dealt with soon.
My favorite guy is creeping up on his sixth birthday. Wow! It's wild to think. And he has such a good heart. The other day when we were driving into town, we were talking about good guys and bad guys and we started talking about people in jail (i.e. "bad guys"). And I told him that most people, even those ones, are not usually bad. They just have made poor choices. And Jonah's response? "We should pray for them." And so we did. I love that my boy is turning into this very loving, thoughtful, faithful kid. It's an awesome and exciting thing to witness.
If anything changes, I will update, otherwise feel free to assume my life continues in its painful monotony.
An an aside, a HUGE congratulations to Malia's Mama, and Chad and Laura on their adoptions... it thrills me to see great things happening for you all!! Blessings on you and your children.

Christmas is coming, The goose (not me) is getting fat

So life goes on. Congrats to the several families who have had referrals made in the past month or so. Exciting to see families coming to completion. One of those referrals was similar to my own, so I have two families with similar requests ahead of me (that I know of). This is good news.

Christmas is coming and I'm getting ready. I'm done shopping for my son, and my nieces and nephews and one of my sisters. Two sisters, one brother-in-law, and a mother left to shop for and we are good to go. I highly recommend the Melissa & Doug puppets -- well-made, and fairly priced. Caucasian-looking, although the skin is ethnically obscure, and the few with dark hair could pass for other races. When did I start shopping like this???! I don't care. It's good to be aware. I bought one for each of my sister's kids.

The boyfriend and I are going to choose a show or concert or something (maybe dinner theatre), and buy that together. It'll be fun; we both like getting stuff to do over stuff to have, and we're still not at a place where we are sure of what to buy each other. That part of my life is going very well. Very well. I'm super-pleased, and I think the family will eventually see him as I do. Sigh. Life is ooooookay.

See Ya Ticker Baby

Well, there she goes again. Well, in all fairness, I got rid of her, knowing it was coming, so technically she didn't fall off. But it's past two years of waiting. Whatever. She'll come when she comes. Would I like to meet her? Absolutely. Is she becoming dimmer as I look down the pipe of my future? Well, yeah. There will come a day when she is clear and bright. There will come a day that we will finally meet her. Someday. Just not yet. I still hold to hope that it will be soonish, but I know better than to hope too much. I don't think I'm going to go with the name I'd originally chosen for her. It's been so long. It seems like that girl is gone. I have another name in mind. It's a good one too. Any guesses? I'll give a couple of hints: Biblical, four letters, not common, but not unheard of. That's three good clues. Someone will probably guess.
Things are going well with the new fellow. Except that he is not a Christian, which is certainly a concern. Especially when he could be someone with huge influence on my kids. My family hates that I'm with him, because of that. My sister has nothing nice to say about it. My mam is worried that Jonah will be hurt if he attaches to him and things don't work out. But they don't know him at all, and this man is amazing. With the exception of that one (admittedly MAJOR) thing, he is so the guy for me. And not only is he not anti-Christian, like some non-Christians, he is curious and open to hearing about my faith. We discuss and debate the possibility; he prays with us at meals, and is coming to church on Sunday.
Arg. I hate that I can't tell my mam and sister, who are the people I'm closest to, about this guy. They don't want to hear. It's just caused a fracture in the family. But honestly, I'm so frustrated with them. Because it's not up to them. It's not their life. And they don't know anything about him or us, because they don't want to know. They can be so black and white. I would love to see him come to Christ, and truly, I think he will. Should I walk away from him because he's not? I know it is unwise to date a non-Christian. But I guess I'm holding on to hope. For him and me.

Woot Woot! October!

Well, September came and went with nothing exciting to report. One referral. It can really only get slightly less exciting. I did find out that my home study update is ready to be signed off on, except that my CYIM and CRIM are too old. New enough for the social worker that wrote the report, not new enough for Anne who has to sign off on it. Here's my official advice: don't use Adoption by Choice. I'm deleting them from my page. Use... pretty much anyone else.
My favorite kid loves everything kindergarten has to offer. And the teacher's assistant has told me a couple of times how exceptionally polite he is. That is good news too.
On a different front: I had a date yesterday. With a nice, handsome, environment-loving, socially conscious man. Oh man. He's a good one I think. We'll see if it sticks. Here's hoping! I'll let you know how it pans out. Premature to blog about it? Maybe. Do I care? Not so much!
Anyway, on the adoption front, things continue to slog along slowly. Like walking hip-high in mud. Such is the life of an adoptive parent. I'm just pushing it out of my mind for now, praying for my girl, who's out there somewhere to be safe and well-love until she comes home. Somehow in the last couple of years she has gone from being a hypothetical someday girl, to being a little lady living out there somewhere, not at all aware that she is already loved and eagerly anticipated in a quiet town on the other side of the planet. I'll make up for those missed months when she comes -- can't wait to start.

September So Far

I'm okay now. I've returned to my state of calm (pretend) indifference. She will come. Someday.
I have to put in a request for a leave of absence for court, but guess what? for those days that I don't have personal days saved for, they can withhold my pay AND charge me for the cost of a sub. What? So not only will I not make money, I have to pay. Ridiculous!!! Don't pay me, but pay the sub from the money they keep! That makes sense to me, but somehow the union A-Okayed that one. Stupid.
Before I forget, a huge congratulations to Carolyn and Adam and their new son, Leul, who finally are traveling! The visa is on it's way, so they will be taking off on Monday to meet their little guy. Wow. A long wait with many MANY trials have finally brought them here. Best wishes for your trip guys.
School is going swimmingly. My course load is a little ridiculous: Music 2 and 4, Art 6, 7-9, Drama 7-9. Social 6, 7, and 8. Health 7, and Math 9. Yep, that's right. A small town teacher has to be a Jack-of-all-Trades. But I love the variety. And the kids are great. No big issues at all this year. It helps (in terms of patiently awaiting adoption) when you have a job you love. And we also have a new principal this year who is loved by students and staff alike. That surely doesn't hurt.
So life continues on... the wait does too. It seems like I'm not the only one changing my referral -- people keep popping up ahead of me on the list who were never there before. Ah well. Such is life.
Anyway, it's just a quick update, but I have to head off and work. Cheers, all!

Update

I'm trying really hard to control myself right now. If you received the IA update in the last couple of days, it mentions having secured a contract with a new (to them) orphanage. What is doesn't say, but has been posted on the Y! group is that it is an exclusive contract -- that unlike the other contracts we have, we are the only agency working with this orphanage. They are sorting out paperwork now and then we should be seeing some referrals coming. I am really trying to be neutral. Really trying to be chill. But according to the Y! spreadsheets, there are only two families with similar requests ahead of me. And to add to my angst, the homestudy I had updated is still sitting at the provincial office in a pile awaiting approval. Arg. I did email Anne to see if she might be willing to put a rush on it. Of course, I expect not. But at the same time I hope that she might give the agency a call to say, "Hey, if there's one for this gal, let me know and I'll push it through." Hoping. Trying not to. And I know that the odds are probably slim, but even to think that a referral that is similar to my request might be on the way, bumping me up the list by even one notch... I am nearing heart-bursting excitement. What happened to me? I used to be so laid back... sometimes. I need to chill out. Simmer. But I don't know if I can.

This is Adoption, People.

I guess I should be glad. I mean, there are definitely times when I'm stressed out by the wait, but it is, thankfully, not a constant state of being. I understand why people stress about it. These timelines are not as predicted, but, seriously, has anything gone as expected for any of us? It seems to me that this is the nature of adoption. From anywhere, but especially from a foreign country. Maybe I'm a bit more laid back (at least most of the time) because I already have a five-year-old to distract me. I know I'm lucky to have already started my family. I have to think that it is easier for the already parenting than for those that are waiting.
But I really don't get the constant stress of some. Maybe it's just not in my nature to stress. Well, I kind of work on things based on priority. And when something is about to expire or when something must be done, then I will make it happen. It's not always pretty, I'll admit. The purchase of my house this summer is a good example of this. I needed people of various agencies to send off paperwork to my lawyer so she could release the money to the other lawyer. Only nothing went as planned. And I kept going, "It'll work out; don't worry," until it was an hour from deadline, and still nobody had their crap together. It was an ugly hour for me. High stress; entirely too much crying; yelling at people from the royal bank and student loans who kept telling me the same crap I'd been told for days: "It's coming." Not good enough at that point. And it wasn't pretty, but it got done. And I think I'd rather have one really manic hour than a longer less-stressed-but-still-stressed period of time. I don't know.
And maybe it's that I was able and willing to change my request to a toddler, so the wait will hopefully not be as long, but even before, it wasn't the wait that was hard in and of itself, it was the knowing that my kids' ages were getting further and further apart. We have our yahoo! group for the purpose of info sharing and support and venting, but when everyone jumps in saying it is taking so long, I find it a little frustrating. And yes, I know some people will be ticked at me for saying so, but this is adoption people. The process is bumpy and sucky and unpredictable, and long, but that's what we've all signed up for, whether you knew it or not at the beginning. I mean, I had no idea what I was getting into. I remember commenting on Laura's blog two years ago that wait times were supposed to be 2-4 months. Oh, how naive I was. They just got their referral recently.
But you know what I am thankful for? People like Laura/ Chad and Carolyn/ Adam and Malia's mom, who get the short end of the stick -- long waits and heartbreaks. Not because I'm a horrible person who likes to watch others suffer; let's be clear. But because these are people who endure and push forward and inspire me to do the same. And I know most people don't have horrible roadblocks to persist through (please don't think I consider your heartaches as mere roadblocks -- I say it because I can't think of another word, but want it clear that no disrespect is meant), but I also know it is possible. It steels me, makes me ready to absorb the shock of what may come. And makes me thankful when nothing bad is happening. Adopters, if a long wait is the worst part of the journey, be thankful that that is it. Our adoptions will go through in time. We will all be parents at some point. When people are trying to conceive, things rarely go exactly as planned, so why should it for adoption? These are the labor pains. But with labor comes children. It will happen.

Where I'm At

So the home study update is completed and, as far as I know, has been sent to the province for approval. I had high hopes that what with more referrals on the horizon, and the update being so much smaller than the original home study, that it would be a much shorter processing time this go around. I was silly to hope -- this is the government after all. It goes in the same pile as other updates and home studies and they are processed in order. I was told it should be about four weeks, so I'm hoping for six. Sigh.
On a similar topic, I applied for a position with Child and Youth Services (government), as a social worker, hoping that I might get a position in E-town, so I could be near the family and, you know, live in the house I just bought. But again, although based on what I gather from people within the department, I have the experience that would basically ensure an interview for the position, I have now been waiting nearly seven weeks since the posting closed. According to the government website, they are still screening applicants, but the truth is, the fact that they have not interviewed/ called/ hired me by know means I can't wait anymore. I can't carry two mortgages, plus all applicable taxes and bills. I have to rent out my brand new place. I hate it. It's like buying a new pair of shoes and offering to have the neighbor borrow them for a week before I get to wear them. But what with a possible referral looming in the next few months (I hope), it does not make sense to move for a say, October start date. So I think I'll stay in P-town teaching this year (I AM excited about my assignment for this upcoming year), until I pass court and can move to Ethiopia. I'll have someone sign a lease on my new place until the end of June, and when I go to Ethiopia, I'll put my other place up for sale or maybe rent if I know someone good who is looking. That actually works out okay, because then I won't (I hope) have any bills to worry about back home while I'm in Ethiopia, and it's a good thing, since I'll be living on 55% parental leave pay.
I did look at rental properties in Addis Ababa and it looks like I can find a place for $260-500 per month. I don't know if any utilities are included. But I also found a forum that discussed the best way to find a place to rent there, and it said that basically you should go, and stay at a guest house for the first few days while you get your footing. Then figure out what area you want to live in, ask where the government apartments are, and then wander on down. Someone's job is to hang out by the apartment and answer questions and recruit renters. So you talk to that guy and you're in! Okay, it's not the way we do it, but it makes sense and I think that's the route I'll take. I need to be economical, and I know that Ethiopia is not real expensive, but the fact that we will be living there for months??? I need to play it safe. So I'll get a smallish place, buy the minimal furniture and housewares I'll need, and live the sweet life. After some encouragement from Laura and Joy (thanks guys), I'm feeling a bit better about it. There are times when I definitely worry -- fear of the unknown -- but there are times too, when I am excited and looking forward to living in what people have described as a beautiful, safe, lush, friendly country. When I come back for a year with my kids when they are both in elementary (I am planning to go for a year to teach at Bingham Academy in Addis), I hope to have a sense of coming home. I really want to settle in while we wait for visas and really enjoy being a stay-at-home mam, and living there.
We headed out to the Heritage Days Festival, and I waited all afternoon to spend my food tickets until we got to the Ethiopia booth. And when we got there... no food! They hadn't started making it yet! Boo. I went to Eritrea, and had alicha and injera. Oh, delight. I was satisfied. And I chatted with this beautiful little Ethiopian girl there too. Is it just me, or are there a disproportionate number of stunning Ethiopian women?
Anyway...
Encouragement: Referrals are moving... special congrats to Chad and Laura! I had been waiting to see them get their match for too long. But now they've added a sweet baby boy to their family. So exciting!
Discouragement: My PRV Sponsorship has become invalid. I was told by CIC to email Nairobi to get it back (they said it had been sent there), and then I could possibly just resubmit it. Nairobi has no record of my application. This just affirms my idea that I should be renting in Addis and get ready to wait. Sigh.

Don't Judge Me -- I'm Human

Well, we are well into summer holidays, and are in relax mode -- sort of. My fella learned to ride his bike without training wheels early this summer, and now we're at this sweet age where we can exercise together, him on his bike and me on my rollerblades. I love it. And I realize that this is probably short-lived as I will hopefully have a second little one home by next summer.
So I am waiting for my update to be signed off at the Adoption By Choice then sent to the province for signing. I hope it doesn't take as long as the original signing. I would like to think it won't because it's only a few pages long, and only mentions changes that have happened in the last two years. The original was 18 pages and took over a month to get back from the province. And if I'm looking at the yahoo group spreadsheet (which I do -- religiously -- even on weekends), I can only see two families ahead of me with similar requests. Only one that is the same.
So here I am, stomach churning, feeling for the first time like this is the real deal. I AM going to be a parent of two. Soonish. Like I think it's realistic to think I might have a referral this fall. I get butterflies just thinking about it. I mean I knew that applying to adopt was likely to lead to adoption, but now, it's coming. I haven't read any posts that show the sort of anxiety I'm feeling. I mean, it's not a bad-anxious. But it's like stress. Like I have a dream coming true but I'm not sure I can handle it. I mean, I will handle it. It's what I do... And I think I do it well. I love my life and my kid and my students. But I'm a leap-before-looking kind of girl. I see something I like, and I go for it. And I choose not to consider the impact of my actions at times, and then I deal with whatever else comes with it. "Deal with" sounds negative, but it's usually not; I just can't find a euphemism for it. I'm anxious I guess because my emotions are going in different directions: excitement, hope, joy, and panic. Well, panic is the far end of the spectrum, it's not that exactly, more like fear. Because I've also made the choice to live in Ethiopia from court to visa -- about five months. And my mam will be with me for the first couple of weeks, and then I'm on my own in a foreign country with two kids, in a rented apartment, where I don't know the language. Maybe that's the source of much of my anxiety. It is a little scary to think. And I know that if I take my girl and something happens, that I can't leave Ethiopia. Yeah, I think that is a big source of stress. But I want to do it. Those scary things are always worth doing. Because travel and adventure is always a cause of growth. And once I'm there, I know it'll be good. I just need to get there and get in there and it will be fine. It's like standing at the top of a high diving board. I never want to jump, but when my feet leave the board, I'm all good.

A House and a Homestudy

So it looks like I got the house. It was listed for $179,900 so I offered $169,000. They came back with $171,000 and a better washer and dryer than is currently in the house. I couldn't have asked for better. It's currently owned by a building company, and my realtor said that what likely happened is the old owner bought one of the new houses of the builder, and in exchange, they bought his old house. Then they proceeded to gut and redo the inside -- mostly. The appliances are not new, nor is the kitchen or bathroom. But all the floors are new -- dark stained oak in the bedrooms and living room, tile in the hall, kitchen, bathroom and entryways. Neutral paint on all the walls and ceilings, new baseboards too. I like it.
I also met with the social worker this afternoon, to do an updated homestudy. I changed my child request. I gave myself a buffer, in case I decide to alter it in the future. I can go as high as three. But I'm telling Imagine that my request is up to 24 months. It still gives me time to bond in those formative years, especially since I'll be heading to Ethiopia to be with my girl as soon as we pass court. And she'll fit in well with our family dynamics. I hope. I got a glimpse of how much Jonah likes to share his mam this week at the Canada Day fireworks. I had my nephew snuggled up on my lap, and Jonah stood at my knees looking like there was something wrong with that picture. And then he asked to cuddle in too. But my nephew's four and my lap's not that big. He sat with his uncle and it was okay with him. It was funny though -- the look on his face. Not too sure about it.
I hope this is a good choice. I can tighten up the request if I want, but I don't think I will. Hey Laura (or anybody who recently updated): Do the updates also need to go through provincial approval, or just straight to Imagine?

A New House.

I put another offer in on a house today. Thousand square foot 1922 bungalow with dark oak new hardwood in the bedrooms and living room, and new tile in the halls, kitchen and bathroom. A double garage and a basement that might knock the head off of a tall person. But I'm not one of those. I guess it was likely bought by a building company when someone bought one of their new homes, and then the company fixed 'er up, basically making everything new. It's currently owned by the company, so that's why my realtor thinks that. It all seems well-done too, which is a nice change from your usual DIY disasters. And it's reasonably priced and in the right neighborhood to boot. Hope the offer is accepted.
Took young Jonah to see Toy Story 3 today. Thought a matinee would be cheaper -- nope! Twelve plus bucks per ticket. What a rip off. Won't go back to that theater! I liked it, but there were some parts that sensitive little folks would not like. A crazy mean little monkey, and a near death incineration. My niece and nephew would have been in tears.
Anyway, I have my home study update tomorrow, and I should hear back about the house too, so I'll have an update in a couple of days!