The Ethiopian Adoption Roller Coaster

On Hold

2012-01-22T01:38:00.002-07:00

Sooo... it looks like my file will be on hold. By my choice.
It looks like a domestic adoption, something that I hadn't even really explored, is in the cards for me. I can't say with 100% certainty that this is a go, but from what the munchkin's social worker has indicated, it is extremely likely. Without divulging too much too soon, I can say that in the very near future, my son will likely have a new brother. And I just might be the mother of (count them!) TWO six year olds. Yeah. Wow. I'll let you all know when I know with certainty.
Pray for me that if this is meant to be, then it will be.

Or Not.

2011-11-30T17:56:00.003-07:00

Soooo... anyway. Yesterday: rough day. I think my phone call to MoT in the morning in which I burst into tears and refused to leave a message because nobody ever calls back anyway may have been traced back to me. Because after a month of waiting, I was sent an email yesterday afternoon. My file is indeed still sitting on a desk in Ontario. It has not been sent to the embassy in Ottawa; it surely is not in Ethiopia. But apparently, because this is the update (maybe?), it doesn't have to go through those things to put me officially back on the list. She said I'm officially waiting. In fact, I'm #5 on the list, and #3 for a referral for a little gal up to 24 months. Blarg. This process sucks. It's the most up and down I've ever been in my life. I'm starting to feel a little manic. Like I was a normal person at the beginning of this thing, when they did my home study, and now I've gone a little nuts -- a little emotionally wrecked. So yeah. Today is better than yesterday (thank goodness!). I think I'll change my blog name now. BTW, thanks all for your encouragement. It was much needed.
P.S. My boy just pulled out his first tooth :D

Realization

2011-11-29T10:59:00.003-07:00

Soooo... I think I might be done. Sounds like adoptions are slowing way down due to policy changes in Ethiopia (some sound good, some less so), my agency has been completely ignoring me for a solid month now -- not returning calls or emails, so, yeah. I think I'm done. I won't pull my file, but it seems highly unlikely that it is going to be moving off a desk in Ontario any time soon, and so I guess I need to move on with life and kiss my someday girl, and a load of cash good-bye. This sucks. I'm now bracing myself for the news that my realistic self says is coming around the corner: this is not to be. I don't know what to say to my son. Do I say anything? Do I just stop talking about adoption and hope he forgets? Just when I think my outlook can't get more bleak, somehow it manages.
So now what? Paint her room? Box up her toys? Donate her clothes (Or ebay them? They really are lovely.) I think the first two for sure -- maybe make an office I don't need. And then put it all in storage somewhere that I don't need to look at it anymore.
FML.

2011-11-08T22:45:00.001-07:00

I hate my agency. That is all.

Finally.

2011-10-18T08:44:00.003-06:00

I'm back on the wagon. Finally. FINALLY!! I have waited and waited and waited for my Interpol check to come. And it finally did. I submitted it in March. Waited. Waited. Wondered, "What the heck?" Waited. Check the website. It claims processing times upwards of 120 days. Waited. Called. Talked to an automated voice. Tried to convince robot to let me speak to a person. Gave up. Waited. Had a fit. Emailed. Waited. Eventually got the response, "Sorry, who are you? Name and DOB, please." Waited. Got a response: "Your Interpol check was processed in March, and returned to sender. Give us a new address and we'll send it." WHAT THE JUNK???! Returned to sender and then it sat for half a year in a pile of dead mail. So. Dang. Frustrating. The address was right even. Street address as opposed to PO Box though. But still returned, because even in a town of 2000 where I can walk into the post office and the gals there know me by name and box number without even looking, they couldn't be bothered to correct the problem. And to add insult to injury, they new I was waiting. I've been chatting with them about it for years as the process went along. An honest mistake? A passive-aggressive jab? Probably the former, but truly, I'm so raw right now that it's hard not to take it personally.
I gave up my teaching position for the year and moved to Edmonton, in anticipation of my adoption being completed. Was worried I'd need to go back to the drawing board with a new home study. Found out some good news for the first time in a long time: unnecessary. Hallelujah. It's a one-year leave as opposed to a resignation, so that worked out well.
So now my poop is officially in a group. Papers notarized and in order. Getting couriered off to Toronto today.
I don't know how to feel about this whole thing anymore. I was so pumped for so long. And even in the downs, I was ever-hopeful that sometime it would work. Well, except those few weeks following the bankruptcy. I was determined to be the optimist. But my someday girl somehow turned into a maybe girl and then a who-knows-what girl? It felt unreal. And impossible. Or at least improbable. But last week after getting papers notarized, I actually was able to think of her as real. When I prayed for her, she wasn't my hypothetical girl. She was again my someday girl. And I choose to think she's my soon-day girl. She's coming. Thank goodness. Cause I'm not sure how much longer I can endure.

She's Aliiive!

2011-07-29T18:33:00.003-06:00

Funny, I thought about closing this blog the last few months. I still don't have my INTERPOL check, which is what is keeping me on hold... still. It's been four and a half months now that I've been waiting. And I called them a couple of months ago to find out what the heck, and the phones there are automated. No way for me to find out it they even got it. I expressposted it, so they should have. Still, it is extremely frustrating.
Anyway, I would check out this blog on rare occasion, and read others almost not at all. It's hard on my heart, this wait, and though I love following families as they go, and celebrating with them in their small and large victories (BTW Congrats Brenda and Mike!! I totally missed that until today -- sorry for the delay), it was just really tough. I'm feeling very much like this might never happen. Anyway, sometimes I would check to see if anyone commented, if anyone still read this thing, and nothing. BUT, at my low point, which was this morning, when I went to close it down, I found all these comments waiting for my approval... What? People are actually still out there? Turns out I switched my settings a while back when I was dating that fellow my family didn't approve of (they were right about him!), because I didn't want to have them say anything negative (Heheheh -- when I can get the last word, well, I like to take advantage of it). So thank you to those whose comments lifted me up this morning. You may have posted months ago, but it was today in my darkest moment, when I needed those words most, that I got them. Thank you :)
So this INTERPOL thing, I will try again. Send it off a second time, with a note that if it has already been processed, they can just send me my money back. Whatever.
In other news, I took a leap of faith, and moved back to the city, taking a one year leave from my position, and desperately hoping something will come up, job-wise. As of right now, I have been hired back on call at the group home where I used to work, which is a humbling thing as it feels very much like I've taken two steps back. I am waiting to hear back from the province on a social work position, which I'm not holding my breath on. It's the third interview in six months I've had with the region. And they keep emailing me and encouraging me to apply which seems good, but then they don't hire me. I can't tell if they see potential, or if I'm the butt of some cruel office joke. Time will tell. I'm also taking a summer French course to make myself more marketable so the school district sees I can teach French. The only way in right now is through French. Maybe they won't send me a letter telling me I'm not even worth keeping in their filing cabinet, like they did last fall :(
I moved into the house I bought last summer, and am nearly done the renos. New hardwood, paint, kitchen, bathroom... delight! It's this tiny little century-old home I adore. I was told when I bought it that it was 998 sqft, but of course it also says, "measurements to be verified by the buyer," which is standard, but I didn't, and thought even if they are off a bit, it shouldn't be by much. Yeah, right!! When I measured it for flooring, it turns out it's actually more like 780 sqft. That's a huge difference! It's still the same size and fits us the same, but the price per sqft is not the value I thought it was. Oh well. Such is life. Jonah's room, my girl's room, and the living room are pretty much done, as is the bathroom. The kitchen is on its way, and my bedroom... well, let's change the subject. I about a month when everything is just so, I will post pics.
So that's it. Great big scary changes and powerlessness are the current themes of my life. If you are a pray-er, I could use some warriors sending up a word for a decent job, and an INTERPOL check. Please don't ask God to smite the people in Ottawa who complete the checks, because then it will really take long. Wait until I let you know I've received it. Just kidding. Ish.
Hope you all have an awesome summer. We're doing the budget holiday this year (as in "not"), but there are a million free things to keep oneself entertained around Edmonton, unlike the town we just moved from. Hey! I'll count my blessings. And they are numerous. Sometimes I just need to remember that.

Broken

2011-04-04T12:21:00.004-06:00

I'll admit I have no desire to blog or read blogs these days. My adoption currently resides in the crapper. Things I had to do didn't get done because I was unaware. My own fault, but still. My adoption is on hold. My agency is no more; we've been shifted. I don't really understand. I started this over three years ago. Thought it would be done two and a half years ago. Still, no girl. Daughterless mam, sisterless boy. We pray for her, but it hurts my heart. I bought her a beautiful doll that arrived last week. It made me cry to see it sit in her crib. Will she ever hold it? I'm unconvinced that things will work out. I'm quitting my job at the end of the school year, but have nothing to go to. I get paid through the summer, and so am padded while I look for work. Risky? Maybe. But I can't handle being so far from people I love. So isolated: an island in this community. Will they (agency/ courts) reject me if I am looking for work? Probably. But for three years life has been on hold. I can't stand it any longer. I never thought I'd reach these depths. I thought I was strong and tough and could roll with the punches. But I'm overflowing with brokenness right now. Broken.

Adoptions, Relationships and Squatters

2011-01-31T08:13:00.006-07:00

Well, things are continuing to cruise along in life. There's nothing happening with my adoption. I know it will. Someday. Maybe even someday soon! Actually, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it might be on its way. According to the yahoo! spreadsheet, there's only one family ahead of me with a similar request. That's not to say others don't exist, but I can only see one which is encouraging.
I'm actually a little anxious about it, because I'm in the middle of a sort of transitional time in my life, and I'd like to not be in limbo when my request comes. After many many months of applying for jobs, I had an interview for a position in a decent-sized town, closer to the family. I'd only be an hour from my mam's house, 45 minutes to the boyfriend. That'd be a nice change from the three-hour drive I'm currently enduring. I sucked that interview like no interview I'd ever sucked before. It was enormously frustrating, but I hold out hope that they see some promise in me. It's not a rocket scientist position; I'm sure I could pick it up. Sigh. They emailed the next day to get my CRIM and CYIM checks done, and I thought that was probably standard, but then a little birdie (a couple actually) said that it was not standard. So then my hopes are up. But my references have not been contacted, so then my hopes are dashed. Sigh. They said they'd get back to me in two to three weeks, and today is three weeks (boo). But it is government and government sucks at working in a timely matter (hope?). Sigh. Whether or not I have a job in or close to town by the end of the school year, I intend to move home (or closer, anyway) over the summer. I officially hate where my life is at: on pause. It's been on pause for years and I'm tired of it.
Things with the boyfriend are okay. We generally get along and enjoy each others' company very much, but we have areas of conflict that we are working through too. I suppose it's a pretty normal sort of thing. It would be nice, too, to live close to town so we can date like regular people rather than not seeing each other for days and then having super-concentrated weekends. We had a good chat a few weeks ago and recognized that we need to slow down a bit, but my definition of "slow down" and his are not the same. His falls more into the category of "reverse" it seems. So admittedly, I've been frustrated with how things are going. After beating to death the topic in numerous conversations, I think we've come to an amiable compromise. After a couple of weeks of terminal annoyance over the situation, I think we are good, and on the upswing.
What else? Oh, I have squatters. They are like bedbugs, only they take human form. But they're equally difficult to get rid of. They started as renters who didn't pay on time, ever. Then they were given an eviction notice, but refused to leave. So they remain. Squatting in my house. And the police will not support me in escorting them out, so I have to take them to court. But I don't live in town so I had to wait until I was sick enough to take a day off before I could file paperwork at the courthouse. Oddly, today I am thankful for strep throat. I'll file today. It seems odd to me that they have the right to stay and I have to pay to take them to court, but if I throw their stuff into the front yard, I'd be guilty of a crime. Ridiculous. They shorted me $900 in December, and didn't pay any rent in January (because they are no longer renting, just refusing to go). Jerks. The methods of revenge that have crossed my mind are wicked and varied. I'm mighty annoyed. Anyway, it'll be dealt with soon.
My favorite guy is creeping up on his sixth birthday. Wow! It's wild to think. And he has such a good heart. The other day when we were driving into town, we were talking about good guys and bad guys and we started talking about people in jail (i.e. "bad guys"). And I told him that most people, even those ones, are not usually bad. They just have made poor choices. And Jonah's response? "We should pray for them." And so we did. I love that my boy is turning into this very loving, thoughtful, faithful kid. It's an awesome and exciting thing to witness.
If anything changes, I will update, otherwise feel free to assume my life continues in its painful monotony.
An an aside, a HUGE congratulations to Malia's Mama, and Chad and Laura on their adoptions... it thrills me to see great things happening for you all!! Blessings on you and your children.

Christmas is coming, The goose (not me) is getting fat

2010-11-30T16:40:00.004-07:00

So life goes on. Congrats to the several families who have had referrals made in the past month or so. Exciting to see families coming to completion. One of those referrals was similar to my own, so I have two families with similar requests ahead of me (that I know of). This is good news.

Christmas is coming and I'm getting ready. I'm done shopping for my son, and my nieces and nephews and one of my sisters. Two sisters, one brother-in-law, and a mother left to shop for and we are good to go. I highly recommend the Melissa & Doug puppets -- well-made, and fairly priced. Caucasian-looking, although the skin is ethnically obscure, and the few with dark hair could pass for other races. When did I start shopping like this???! I don't care. It's good to be aware. I bought one for each of my sister's kids.

The boyfriend and I are going to choose a show or concert or something (maybe dinner theatre), and buy that together. It'll be fun; we both like getting stuff to do over stuff to have, and we're still not at a place where we are sure of what to buy each other. That part of my life is going very well. Very well. I'm super-pleased, and I think the family will eventually see him as I do. Sigh. Life is ooooookay.

See Ya Ticker Baby

2010-11-12T08:01:00.002-07:00

Well, there she goes again. Well, in all fairness, I got rid of her, knowing it was coming, so technically she didn't fall off. But it's past two years of waiting. Whatever. She'll come when she comes. Would I like to meet her? Absolutely. Is she becoming dimmer as I look down the pipe of my future? Well, yeah. There will come a day when she is clear and bright. There will come a day that we will finally meet her. Someday. Just not yet. I still hold to hope that it will be soonish, but I know better than to hope too much. I don't think I'm going to go with the name I'd originally chosen for her. It's been so long. It seems like that girl is gone. I have another name in mind. It's a good one too. Any guesses? I'll give a couple of hints: Biblical, four letters, not common, but not unheard of. That's three good clues. Someone will probably guess.
Things are going well with the new fellow. Except that he is not a Christian, which is certainly a concern. Especially when he could be someone with huge influence on my kids. My family hates that I'm with him, because of that. My sister has nothing nice to say about it. My mam is worried that Jonah will be hurt if he attaches to him and things don't work out. But they don't know him at all, and this man is amazing. With the exception of that one (admittedly MAJOR) thing, he is so the guy for me. And not only is he not anti-Christian, like some non-Christians, he is curious and open to hearing about my faith. We discuss and debate the possibility; he prays with us at meals, and is coming to church on Sunday.
Arg. I hate that I can't tell my mam and sister, who are the people I'm closest to, about this guy. They don't want to hear. It's just caused a fracture in the family. But honestly, I'm so frustrated with them. Because it's not up to them. It's not their life. And they don't know anything about him or us, because they don't want to know. They can be so black and white. I would love to see him come to Christ, and truly, I think he will. Should I walk away from him because he's not? I know it is unwise to date a non-Christian. But I guess I'm holding on to hope. For him and me.

Woot Woot! October!

2010-10-09T18:41:00.004-06:00

Well, September came and went with nothing exciting to report. One referral. It can really only get slightly less exciting. I did find out that my home study update is ready to be signed off on, except that my CYIM and CRIM are too old. New enough for the social worker that wrote the report, not new enough for Anne who has to sign off on it. Here's my official advice: don't use Adoption by Choice. I'm deleting them from my page. Use... pretty much anyone else.
My favorite kid loves everything kindergarten has to offer. And the teacher's assistant has told me a couple of times how exceptionally polite he is. That is good news too.
On a different front: I had a date yesterday. With a nice, handsome, environment-loving, socially conscious man. Oh man. He's a good one I think. We'll see if it sticks. Here's hoping! I'll let you know how it pans out. Premature to blog about it? Maybe. Do I care? Not so much!
Anyway, on the adoption front, things continue to slog along slowly. Like walking hip-high in mud. Such is the life of an adoptive parent. I'm just pushing it out of my mind for now, praying for my girl, who's out there somewhere to be safe and well-love until she comes home. Somehow in the last couple of years she has gone from being a hypothetical someday girl, to being a little lady living out there somewhere, not at all aware that she is already loved and eagerly anticipated in a quiet town on the other side of the planet. I'll make up for those missed months when she comes -- can't wait to start.

September So Far

2010-09-20T12:27:00.004-06:00

I'm okay now. I've returned to my state of calm (pretend) indifference. She will come. Someday.
I have to put in a request for a leave of absence for court, but guess what? for those days that I don't have personal days saved for, they can withhold my pay AND charge me for the cost of a sub. What? So not only will I not make money, I have to pay. Ridiculous!!! Don't pay me, but pay the sub from the money they keep! That makes sense to me, but somehow the union A-Okayed that one. Stupid.
Before I forget, a huge congratulations to Carolyn and Adam and their new son, Leul, who finally are traveling! The visa is on it's way, so they will be taking off on Monday to meet their little guy. Wow. A long wait with many MANY trials have finally brought them here. Best wishes for your trip guys.
School is going swimmingly. My course load is a little ridiculous: Music 2 and 4, Art 6, 7-9, Drama 7-9. Social 6, 7, and 8. Health 7, and Math 9. Yep, that's right. A small town teacher has to be a Jack-of-all-Trades. But I love the variety. And the kids are great. No big issues at all this year. It helps (in terms of patiently awaiting adoption) when you have a job you love. And we also have a new principal this year who is loved by students and staff alike. That surely doesn't hurt.
So life continues on... the wait does too. It seems like I'm not the only one changing my referral -- people keep popping up ahead of me on the list who were never there before. Ah well. Such is life.
Anyway, it's just a quick update, but I have to head off and work. Cheers, all!

Update

2010-09-04T00:01:00.002-06:00

I'm trying really hard to control myself right now. If you received the IA update in the last couple of days, it mentions having secured a contract with a new (to them) orphanage. What is doesn't say, but has been posted on the Y! group is that it is an exclusive contract -- that unlike the other contracts we have, we are the only agency working with this orphanage. They are sorting out paperwork now and then we should be seeing some referrals coming. I am really trying to be neutral. Really trying to be chill. But according to the Y! spreadsheets, there are only two families with similar requests ahead of me. And to add to my angst, the homestudy I had updated is still sitting at the provincial office in a pile awaiting approval. Arg. I did email Anne to see if she might be willing to put a rush on it. Of course, I expect not. But at the same time I hope that she might give the agency a call to say, "Hey, if there's one for this gal, let me know and I'll push it through." Hoping. Trying not to. And I know that the odds are probably slim, but even to think that a referral that is similar to my request might be on the way, bumping me up the list by even one notch... I am nearing heart-bursting excitement. What happened to me? I used to be so laid back... sometimes. I need to chill out. Simmer. But I don't know if I can.

This is Adoption, People.

2010-08-20T12:34:00.002-06:00

I guess I should be glad. I mean, there are definitely times when I'm stressed out by the wait, but it is, thankfully, not a constant state of being. I understand why people stress about it. These timelines are not as predicted, but, seriously, has anything gone as expected for any of us? It seems to me that this is the nature of adoption. From anywhere, but especially from a foreign country. Maybe I'm a bit more laid back (at least most of the time) because I already have a five-year-old to distract me. I know I'm lucky to have already started my family. I have to think that it is easier for the already parenting than for those that are waiting.
But I really don't get the constant stress of some. Maybe it's just not in my nature to stress. Well, I kind of work on things based on priority. And when something is about to expire or when something must be done, then I will make it happen. It's not always pretty, I'll admit. The purchase of my house this summer is a good example of this. I needed people of various agencies to send off paperwork to my lawyer so she could release the money to the other lawyer. Only nothing went as planned. And I kept going, "It'll work out; don't worry," until it was an hour from deadline, and still nobody had their crap together. It was an ugly hour for me. High stress; entirely too much crying; yelling at people from the royal bank and student loans who kept telling me the same crap I'd been told for days: "It's coming." Not good enough at that point. And it wasn't pretty, but it got done. And I think I'd rather have one really manic hour than a longer less-stressed-but-still-stressed period of time. I don't know.
And maybe it's that I was able and willing to change my request to a toddler, so the wait will hopefully not be as long, but even before, it wasn't the wait that was hard in and of itself, it was the knowing that my kids' ages were getting further and further apart. We have our yahoo! group for the purpose of info sharing and support and venting, but when everyone jumps in saying it is taking so long, I find it a little frustrating. And yes, I know some people will be ticked at me for saying so, but this is adoption people. The process is bumpy and sucky and unpredictable, and long, but that's what we've all signed up for, whether you knew it or not at the beginning. I mean, I had no idea what I was getting into. I remember commenting on Laura's blog two years ago that wait times were supposed to be 2-4 months. Oh, how naive I was. They just got their referral recently.
But you know what I am thankful for? People like Laura/ Chad and Carolyn/ Adam and Malia's mom, who get the short end of the stick -- long waits and heartbreaks. Not because I'm a horrible person who likes to watch others suffer; let's be clear. But because these are people who endure and push forward and inspire me to do the same. And I know most people don't have horrible roadblocks to persist through (please don't think I consider your heartaches as mere roadblocks -- I say it because I can't think of another word, but want it clear that no disrespect is meant), but I also know it is possible. It steels me, makes me ready to absorb the shock of what may come. And makes me thankful when nothing bad is happening. Adopters, if a long wait is the worst part of the journey, be thankful that that is it. Our adoptions will go through in time. We will all be parents at some point. When people are trying to conceive, things rarely go exactly as planned, so why should it for adoption? These are the labor pains. But with labor comes children. It will happen.

Where I'm At

2010-07-31T22:08:00.003-06:00

So the home study update is completed and, as far as I know, has been sent to the province for approval. I had high hopes that what with more referrals on the horizon, and the update being so much smaller than the original home study, that it would be a much shorter processing time this go around. I was silly to hope -- this is the government after all. It goes in the same pile as other updates and home studies and they are processed in order. I was told it should be about four weeks, so I'm hoping for six. Sigh.
On a similar topic, I applied for a position with Child and Youth Services (government), as a social worker, hoping that I might get a position in E-town, so I could be near the family and, you know, live in the house I just bought. But again, although based on what I gather from people within the department, I have the experience that would basically ensure an interview for the position, I have now been waiting nearly seven weeks since the posting closed. According to the government website, they are still screening applicants, but the truth is, the fact that they have not interviewed/ called/ hired me by know means I can't wait anymore. I can't carry two mortgages, plus all applicable taxes and bills. I have to rent out my brand new place. I hate it. It's like buying a new pair of shoes and offering to have the neighbor borrow them for a week before I get to wear them. But what with a possible referral looming in the next few months (I hope), it does not make sense to move for a say, October start date. So I think I'll stay in P-town teaching this year (I AM excited about my assignment for this upcoming year), until I pass court and can move to Ethiopia. I'll have someone sign a lease on my new place until the end of June, and when I go to Ethiopia, I'll put my other place up for sale or maybe rent if I know someone good who is looking. That actually works out okay, because then I won't (I hope) have any bills to worry about back home while I'm in Ethiopia, and it's a good thing, since I'll be living on 55% parental leave pay.
I did look at rental properties in Addis Ababa and it looks like I can find a place for $260-500 per month. I don't know if any utilities are included. But I also found a forum that discussed the best way to find a place to rent there, and it said that basically you should go, and stay at a guest house for the first few days while you get your footing. Then figure out what area you want to live in, ask where the government apartments are, and then wander on down. Someone's job is to hang out by the apartment and answer questions and recruit renters. So you talk to that guy and you're in! Okay, it's not the way we do it, but it makes sense and I think that's the route I'll take. I need to be economical, and I know that Ethiopia is not real expensive, but the fact that we will be living there for months??? I need to play it safe. So I'll get a smallish place, buy the minimal furniture and housewares I'll need, and live the sweet life. After some encouragement from Laura and Joy (thanks guys), I'm feeling a bit better about it. There are times when I definitely worry -- fear of the unknown -- but there are times too, when I am excited and looking forward to living in what people have described as a beautiful, safe, lush, friendly country. When I come back for a year with my kids when they are both in elementary (I am planning to go for a year to teach at Bingham Academy in Addis), I hope to have a sense of coming home. I really want to settle in while we wait for visas and really enjoy being a stay-at-home mam, and living there.
We headed out to the Heritage Days Festival, and I waited all afternoon to spend my food tickets until we got to the Ethiopia booth. And when we got there... no food! They hadn't started making it yet! Boo. I went to Eritrea, and had alicha and injera. Oh, delight. I was satisfied. And I chatted with this beautiful little Ethiopian girl there too. Is it just me, or are there a disproportionate number of stunning Ethiopian women?
Anyway...
Encouragement: Referrals are moving... special congrats to Chad and Laura! I had been waiting to see them get their match for too long. But now they've added a sweet baby boy to their family. So exciting!
Discouragement: My PRV Sponsorship has become invalid. I was told by CIC to email Nairobi to get it back (they said it had been sent there), and then I could possibly just resubmit it. Nairobi has no record of my application. This just affirms my idea that I should be renting in Addis and get ready to wait. Sigh.

Don't Judge Me -- I'm Human

2010-07-26T11:06:00.003-06:00

Well, we are well into summer holidays, and are in relax mode -- sort of. My fella learned to ride his bike without training wheels early this summer, and now we're at this sweet age where we can exercise together, him on his bike and me on my rollerblades. I love it. And I realize that this is probably short-lived as I will hopefully have a second little one home by next summer.
So I am waiting for my update to be signed off at the Adoption By Choice then sent to the province for signing. I hope it doesn't take as long as the original signing. I would like to think it won't because it's only a few pages long, and only mentions changes that have happened in the last two years. The original was 18 pages and took over a month to get back from the province. And if I'm looking at the yahoo group spreadsheet (which I do -- religiously -- even on weekends), I can only see two families ahead of me with similar requests. Only one that is the same.
So here I am, stomach churning, feeling for the first time like this is the real deal. I AM going to be a parent of two. Soonish. Like I think it's realistic to think I might have a referral this fall. I get butterflies just thinking about it. I mean I knew that applying to adopt was likely to lead to adoption, but now, it's coming. I haven't read any posts that show the sort of anxiety I'm feeling. I mean, it's not a bad-anxious. But it's like stress. Like I have a dream coming true but I'm not sure I can handle it. I mean, I will handle it. It's what I do... And I think I do it well. I love my life and my kid and my students. But I'm a leap-before-looking kind of girl. I see something I like, and I go for it. And I choose not to consider the impact of my actions at times, and then I deal with whatever else comes with it. "Deal with" sounds negative, but it's usually not; I just can't find a euphemism for it. I'm anxious I guess because my emotions are going in different directions: excitement, hope, joy, and panic. Well, panic is the far end of the spectrum, it's not that exactly, more like fear. Because I've also made the choice to live in Ethiopia from court to visa -- about five months. And my mam will be with me for the first couple of weeks, and then I'm on my own in a foreign country with two kids, in a rented apartment, where I don't know the language. Maybe that's the source of much of my anxiety. It is a little scary to think. And I know that if I take my girl and something happens, that I can't leave Ethiopia. Yeah, I think that is a big source of stress. But I want to do it. Those scary things are always worth doing. Because travel and adventure is always a cause of growth. And once I'm there, I know it'll be good. I just need to get there and get in there and it will be fine. It's like standing at the top of a high diving board. I never want to jump, but when my feet leave the board, I'm all good.

A House and a Homestudy

2010-07-06T20:00:00.004-06:00

So it looks like I got the house. It was listed for $179,900 so I offered $169,000. They came back with $171,000 and a better washer and dryer than is currently in the house. I couldn't have asked for better. It's currently owned by a building company, and my realtor said that what likely happened is the old owner bought one of the new houses of the builder, and in exchange, they bought his old house. Then they proceeded to gut and redo the inside -- mostly. The appliances are not new, nor is the kitchen or bathroom. But all the floors are new -- dark stained oak in the bedrooms and living room, tile in the hall, kitchen, bathroom and entryways. Neutral paint on all the walls and ceilings, new baseboards too. I like it.
I also met with the social worker this afternoon, to do an updated homestudy. I changed my child request. I gave myself a buffer, in case I decide to alter it in the future. I can go as high as three. But I'm telling Imagine that my request is up to 24 months. It still gives me time to bond in those formative years, especially since I'll be heading to Ethiopia to be with my girl as soon as we pass court. And she'll fit in well with our family dynamics. I hope. I got a glimpse of how much Jonah likes to share his mam this week at the Canada Day fireworks. I had my nephew snuggled up on my lap, and Jonah stood at my knees looking like there was something wrong with that picture. And then he asked to cuddle in too. But my nephew's four and my lap's not that big. He sat with his uncle and it was okay with him. It was funny though -- the look on his face. Not too sure about it.
I hope this is a good choice. I can tighten up the request if I want, but I don't think I will. Hey Laura (or anybody who recently updated): Do the updates also need to go through provincial approval, or just straight to Imagine?

A New House.

2010-07-05T19:15:00.003-06:00

I put another offer in on a house today. Thousand square foot 1922 bungalow with dark oak new hardwood in the bedrooms and living room, and new tile in the halls, kitchen and bathroom. A double garage and a basement that might knock the head off of a tall person. But I'm not one of those. I guess it was likely bought by a building company when someone bought one of their new homes, and then the company fixed 'er up, basically making everything new. It's currently owned by the company, so that's why my realtor thinks that. It all seems well-done too, which is a nice change from your usual DIY disasters. And it's reasonably priced and in the right neighborhood to boot. Hope the offer is accepted.
Took young Jonah to see Toy Story 3 today. Thought a matinee would be cheaper -- nope! Twelve plus bucks per ticket. What a rip off. Won't go back to that theater! I liked it, but there were some parts that sensitive little folks would not like. A crazy mean little monkey, and a near death incineration. My niece and nephew would have been in tears.
Anyway, I have my home study update tomorrow, and I should hear back about the house too, so I'll have an update in a couple of days!

Happy Summer. Ahhh, summer.

2010-07-02T19:37:00.004-06:00

So the decision is made: up to 18 months it is. I got an email from Grace about it, because I really wanted to get the perspective of someone who has been there. I loved each stage of Jonahs (my apostrophe is not working -- forgive me) life, and at each one, went, Oh I wish he could stay this way. But he really does keep getting better. I mean I could do without his recent attitude, but otherwise, I think hes great. But I don't (contrary to what I thought) miss that baby stage. I like the interactiveness of the older kidlet. So even though I was right set on a baby baby, I think a toddler will be a fine fit. And I think that being home with little gal for almost a year will do wonders for her ability to attach.
I'm pretty desperate at this time for a job in E-town right about now. Even my school librarian thinks I should just quit and move back to the city. You need a life! She keeps telling me. And I do. And even if I have to take a ker-appy job, well, if it pays okay, it'll do. Thatll do donkey, thatll do.
I continue in my search for a dream home for less than $200000 (stop laughing). I know it is a tough find in the city, and I'm sure my realtor is getting tired of knowing me. Ive looked at, um, probably 20+ houses with him. Put in an offer, but was outbid (dangit). So the hunt continues. Cest la vie. Something will turn up. And it helps that I am looking to buy in the inner city because more options (well, the only options really), but my biggest requirement is that I'm within walking distance of Hasheba, my new favorite Ethiopian restaurant, with their Wednesday all-vegan buffet.
Next week, we will check out seven more. I've got a feeling about these ones. Wish me luck!

HEY HAZEL!!

2010-06-22T11:06:00.001-06:00

So, I haven't heard anything of Hazel in a hundred years and can't get to her blog. Are you there? How do I find you again?

The Big Debate

2010-06-06T17:15:00.001-06:00

I'm debating about my referral request. It's going to be about a hundred years before I see my girl's face. My kids will not be three or four years apart -- more like six. That's a big difference from what I expected going into this process. I had made my request 0-6 months because I was worried about attachment, and the timelines from referral to travel seemed pretty long when I started this process. But now, court is moving along much quicker, and IA has changed their policy to now allow parents to travel to get their munchkins (and stay in Ethiopia until visas are issued) right after court.
All of these things change the game a bit. And seeing as how we're creeping up on two years of waiting and I don't want any lapse in my file, and will have to get it updated soon anyway, I'm thinking I may change my referral request too. I think I'll accept 0-18 months. Baby will be with me before age two, and I will have plenty of time off for bonding after court passes, and besides, my referral will come earlier, so my kids will be more like 4 1/2 years apart. It seems logical and reasonable to me. Feedback, people?

May -- post in comments because I'm having issues

2010-05-31T23:56:00.001-06:00

Sooo... anyone from Boston?

2010-05-15T11:13:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure I don't have anyone out there I know from Boston, but my mam's taking a four-day Yoga course there at the beginning of June, and so I was wondering if anyone knows of a good, inexpensive place to stay? Or maybe would be interested in billetting her? She's clean and friendly and quiet enough. Just throwing it out there.
So my many plans in many directions continue and I'm pursuing several at any given time. Jonah wants to move to Ethiopia or the coast. He has discovered a new love: Injera, and asks me to make it on a regular basis. I haven't found a stew that I love yet. If you have a link to a good, not real spicy, vegetarian, tomato-free recipe, please comment! I followed one blog that posted recipes over a year ago, but I didn't bookmark, and now can't find them. We went for the first time to an Ethiopian restaurant in Edmonton (on the corner of 118 ave and 95 st) -- all vegan buffet every Wednesday -- my new favorite place to eat. When I asked Jonah what he thought of the food, he said, "I love it! I wish my mouth was bigger!" I love that kid.
We are continuing in our application to foster. The social worker came out this week and pointed out a few small things that need to be done (apparently not having covers on light switches is a problem? Though I know from experience, that not sticking your fingers in there is a lesson that teaches itself! Yes, I'm a terrible parent ;)), so we'll fix up those things, and should have a home study starting up in a month or so. This means we could start fostering over the summer. And with everything so up in the air for me, I think this is a great compromise: I'll be doing something that makes a difference, something I'll enjoy and I can still be secure in my job. We're getting a new principal. It's a good thing. This poor guy has been through the wringer. My town is not an easy place to live, much less hold a public position. When the Superintendent came out to chat with the staff about what we would like to see in a new principal, many qualities were listed. But I did email him after that I thought whoever the poor fellow is, he should be warned that he's about to be thrown into a pit of vipers and gnashing dogs. I wish I were kidding, but it really is like that. We'll see how it goes. Still hoping something will come up in E-town. Whatever. Something will come. Sometime.

Bead Necklaces

2010-04-27T10:01:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in a bit. I guess not much to say. I'm at crossroads in my life -- have been for months -- and still have no firm plan. I'm pursuing multiple avenues and still have no solid direction. It's okay. I'm a roll-with-the-punches kind of person. I'm starting to realize that I have not so much control in my life and so I'm just seeing where life takes me. I have plans, ideas, ambitions, and am reaching in so many directions, but it's hard to say what'll happen.
I wanted to turn your attention to Katie's blog (in my directory to the right). "Amazing Katie" is how it is labelled. And I don't give that title often. But this girl will blow your mind. If you don't already read what she's up to in Uganda, you really should. One post, and I'm telling you, you'll be hooked. I've just bought some necklaces from the women she works with. It's money well spent. And I have to think that everyone, regardless of budget, that reads this post can afford it. I bought one for each of the gals in my family. Check it out. If not to buy a necklace, then to be awed and inspired by this remarkable 21-year-old powerhouse.

Good News

2010-04-09T01:05:00.004-06:00

I can't believe our good fortune! In a recent email, it was announced that the NIA is doing away with a previous policy which called for visas to have been issued parents could take their kids from the transition home. And now, as long as you don't care how long you are in Ethiopia (I don't) and you are willing to be there without any further support of the agency, then you may pick up your sweet pea once you are deemed an acceptable parent according to Ethiopian courts. Hey! I am so glad to have heard this announcement. For a couple of reasons:
1. I was going to make myself a pain, challenging the policy, and now I can continue being my nice self.
2. I want to live in Ethiopia, and what better reason than to be with my girl?
3. I will take custody of my girl much earlier than I otherwise likely would have. Bonding Bonding Bonding! It's all about the bonding.
4. It's good news. And I can always use a little more good news!
And also, congratulations to the seven NIA families that received referrals in March. Slowly but surely, they are coming.

Easter

2010-04-02T17:00:00.003-06:00

Well, Easter is almost here! I'm thrilled to have the week off, and my sister was good enough to keep that baby in her belly, so I get to be at the delivery of her fourth and final munchkin. I've been there for all except number three. I missed her by two days, two years ago. She was born right after I went back to school after spring break. If you met her, you might think it was on purpose. She's a sweet little firecracker, that one. She wasn't named for the first four days of her life. I hope Melanie and Jim are better prepared this time around!
I'm hanging out for the week at my mam's which is nice, because I miss her when I'm home. We get along really well, and have such a good time together. We usually laugh a lot. Usually I'm making the jokes, but today we were playing Scrabble, and it was the end and I was getting crushed, and was on the last turn. And my mam pointed out where I could go, but I said, "I want to find something brilliant." Her response: "Why start now?" Yeah. Boy do I love hanging out with her! ;)
Lent is almost done. I did my hardest ever lent this year. I gave up processed foods. Well, to a point. I mean, I need flour and milk and stuff, and I know they are technically processed, but I didn't count stuff like that. I did count yogurt, cheese, sauces, breads that I didn't make, etc. It was a bit of a famine time at the beginning, but toward the end, I got a little more motivated (by hunger -- I lost about ten pounds in the first three or so weeks), and learned to make pasta, even cheese! But I'll be glad when Sunday rolls around. My plans for the day basically look like a menu: cereal from a box (oh yeah!), croissants for lunch, and the Old Spagetti Factory's browned butter and mizithra cheese pasta for supper. I'm anticipating a tummy ache, even though I'll pace myself. It's funny that when you clear out your system of processed food, your stomach reacts very unhappily when reintroduced to such delicious foody gems. I'm sure I'll soldier through the pain in the name of cheddar and gouda! Yummina!

A Decision and a Final Wish

2010-03-23T12:00:00.003-06:00

I finally called NIA. I've been so anxious about the process and lack of progress, and really, just needed a human voice on the other end of the line, to let me know that, in fact, things are continuing. That someone is actually there working. I talked to Jo Ann, about time lines and policy and my desire to do missions.
I've been thinking and planning on doing missions when my parental leave is finished. Only, it keeps getting pushed back, what with delays, and I've been frustrated because I've felt like I have to choose between missions (serving God) and this adoption (serving me). And I don't want to choose, basically. I know I should just choose God, but I've invested a lot, and don't want to walk away from my girl. It's hard to explain how I feel, exactly, except that I'm just edgy. I'm putting God on hold. I don't like it, and I've done it before (not good), and I'm just hoping the second coming doesn't happen while I'm doing it. Okay, an now my non-Christian readers officially think I'm crazy. I don't care.
So I talked to Jo Ann about it, and she said it'll be a while (like a year, maybe) before my referral comes. No surprise there. And so if I want to do missions, well, I have to be in Canada to accept the referral, but otherwise, I can go. So I'm applying. I'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll have to come back once my referral comes; maybe I'll have to put my adoption on hold; maybe I won't even find a suitable missions job right away. Whatever. I'm leaving it in God's hands now. I'll do my thing and His thing. It's not the most easy, convenient way, but such is life. God's way is rarely the easiest.
And having made the decision, the truth is, my heart is lighter. Sort of. Except for the missions brochure I read yesterday that told me I have to let them know my Final Wish: if I want to be buried abroad or have my body shipped home in case of death. A fair question, but one that elicited a nervous laugh from me. Anyway, what will be will be. I'm tucking up again; getting ready to roll with the punches (and there's bound to be a few).
Wish me luck!

I Don't Know.

2010-03-15T09:47:00.002-06:00

So much about this whole process has been filled with uncertainty. The bankruptcy, the new court policy requiring parents to now be at court... I'm honestly waiting for them to pass legislation disallowing single women from adopting. I don't even want to think about it, but I am now so on edge about this adoption.
For the first time since the summer/ bankruptcy, I honestly don't know if this is the end for me. I want to be positive and let it roll off my back, but I'm under so much weight and stress from this whole thing, that I'm crushed flat. I bawled my eyes out on Friday. I did not know how I could go on, given the new policy. I don't have the money. I'm in debt up to my eyes and just feel so overwhelmed by it. When this first started, I thought it'd be about 20000, including travel. And now, add to that another 4000 for bankruptcy and 5000 for travelling twice. Wow. That is a huge difference.
It shouldn't be about the money. But how can it not be? 29000 is almost half of what I paid for my house! Yes I live in the sticks. I have a few days to decide, because I still have to fork out 2000 this month for my last (so they say) agency fee. I don't honestly know if I can hang on much longer. What with orphanages not sending referrals, and increasing costs, and the ever-looming threat of changing policy to exclude single women from adopting... I'm a wreck. Can I hang on for another year for a referral? I doubt it.
The stupid thing is that my whole heart wants to be doing missions work right now. I'm waiting until this adoption is through to go and do it, because I can't do an adoption when I'm not living in Canada, according to agency protocol. But if I were living and serving in Africa, I could probably adopt, oh, next month! But I can't walk away from this. It's like I'm stuck in the mud. I can't move at all.
I know that in the end, I'll soldier on. Really, do I have much choice, when I'm in it so deep already? But this is getting to be too much.
On the upside, I've realized I need to distract myself, and with this month's free preview of the DIY Network, I have decide to take on a series of projects to keep me sane. I'm starting a new blog, where you can check in with what I'm doing while I wait, and wait,, and panic, and throw up a little, and cry, and wait. Here it is, though I haven't really started: melissaneedsahobby.blogspot.com

Small Heart Attack

2010-03-12T10:21:00.004-07:00

Wow. This is really big news. Really. Big. News. I don't know what this will mean when my time comes, but I am suddenly a lot more anxious about pestering the government to pick up the damn pace in Nairobi and get proper staffing so we will only require one long trip. Oh my. Here is a snippet of the email I received this morning:
"On March 10, 2010 a notice was posted at the Federal Court of Ethiopia stating that all adoption agencies would be required to have prospective adoptive parent(s) appear in court for the adoption hearing. The Adoption Agencies in Ethiopia received no notification of this notice."
Yeah. I'm actually stressing about his most recent change to the system. I don't really understand why I have to be there if I have a lawyer there to represent me. And actually, I don't even mind being there, except that if immigration keeps dragging their heels like they have been know to, it'll mean a very long, very expensive, unpaid time in Ethiopia. Sigh. What next?

Renewed

2010-03-09T09:58:00.002-07:00

We had Teachers' Convention this past week, and I am feeling energized and ready to power through to the end of the school year. I am throwing out testing in my Social 6 class, as the studies show that testing students causes teachers to teach to the test, which in turn does not allow students the same depth of learning as if they had no tests. Apparently in Japan, the government tried to institute achievement tests and the teachers rebelled. Refused to break the cellophane. And so they were not implemented, and haven't been. And the Japanese system is one to look at for in-depth understanding by students. We're upping the number of projects, and decreasing the amount of reading from the text. The text is a reference. Not a Bible. So we'll see how this goes, and how many frantic parents call.
A great site for teachers, if you happen to be one, is BigHugeLabs. I love it. So many things you can do with the programs on that site. I'm using the magazine maker to have students research and present a Current Events news story. And they are pumped about it! I had a line up of students asking if they could go first! Now that is good news to me!
Slow progress on the adoption front, but I've got my emotions in check and I don't think the wait will kill me any time soon. I have other things to worry about now -- like revamping my entire year plan! I'll post again once I've dug my way out of curriculum!

Mer.

2010-02-24T09:50:00.003-07:00

That's how I'm feeling lately, which is why I haven't been blogging. I don't want to throw a wet blanket out, when people are starting to get hyped and pumped about the possibility of referrals coming their way. But I'm. just. tired. Tired of waiting, of having people ask, "I thought you were adopting? When's that happening?" And all I can say now is, "Someday." What else can I say? Even in light of referrals coming, it feels like it's a very distant thing for me.
I'm not real proud of how I'm feeling, but a big part of me goes, I wish I'd done the foster-to-adopt through the Alberta government. Because I'd have had my second child oh, probably a year and a half ago. And I wouldn't be paying of this giant line of credit that weighs me down. And I wouldn't have to keep thinking about this hypothetical daughter, because I'd have the real deal. I'm not real patient, and I know many months from now when my referral comes, I'll have to wait even longer. And it'll only get harder.
I'm tempted to keep myself from looking at my daughter's pictures until the visa is issued and I can travel. Because for me to think of this real little girl, growing up in an orphanage when she should be in my arms, is going to kill me. I thought for a long time, that I could wait and wait, but I'm past 15 1/2 months now, and I still see no light in the tunnel. And I'm getting discouraged. I need to harden my heart a little, which doesn't sound like a good thing, but when the alternative is to be crushed by the wait and the discouragement, maybe toughening up isn't so bad. I need to be able to see that there will be an end to it. And while in my head I know it, my heart is not convinced.

January in Pictures

2010-02-02T09:42:00.005-07:00

Inspired by fellow blogger Laura, I am trying to take a picture a day, but it's not really been so successful. It's more like several pictures taken every other day. These are the first couple of weeks of January for us (from most recent to least -- that's just the way it worked out when I uploaded the pics).

Reading Ready? Not So Much.

2010-01-30T17:43:00.002-07:00

So my sister and I are pretty close in age. And we're pretty competitive. About pretty much everything. I called her last week, and told her about my experience in Jonah's preschool, and how kids were constantly calling out to him, "Jonah, come play with me!" "Jonah sit with me!" "Jonah, make me a sandwich!" (this last one was loud, from across the room, while my favorite guy was "cutting" wooden veggies in the play kitchen). My niece is more reserved and is a watcher of others, from what my sister has said, and when I mentioned this, she told me about her not-so-outgoing little girl. I knew that my niece was quieter, and didn't tell her about Jonah to be any way, but my sister did mention about how well her son (who is a year younger than Jonah) is doing with his letters. At three, he can sound out 3-letter words with obvious middle vowel sounds. I was super impressed. Give him a word like "bug" "hat" or "gum" and he can probably get it. But it made me a little more aware of how uninterested my guy is in letters. If it's a letter outside of his name, except for i, he probably doesn't know it. And at four, with some in his class that are really much further along in that department than he is, I thought maybe I should initiate a little more activity relating to letters and sounds. In the car this afternoon, we he agreed to work on it. We started with the letter B and talked about the sound it makes; then this:
M: Jonah, can you think of a word that starts with B?
J: Ummmmmm...
M: Buh buh buh
J: Buh buh buh beak! Beak! Seagull!
Sigh. It's a good thing he's athletic!
;)

The List

2010-01-14T09:47:00.003-07:00

On the list for a single child with IA, I am #74. Anyone else care to share?
I actually thought I might be in the mid 60's, but really, this is not so far off. I'm okay with it.

I Kicked a Disabled Man

2010-01-13T09:56:00.003-07:00

Made you look.

So In Taekwondo last night, they had us actually sparring, and I was paired up with my friend Daniel, who is pretty severely delayed. He's big, but a real gentle guy with soft little kicks. I told the ref I really didn't want to kick him, and she assured me, "Kick him a few times, and he'll start kicking back." So I reminded Daniel that we were going to kick each other hard, and after a couple of kicks from me, he was kicking right back. Managed to kick me in the gut under my padding somehow, and left a big blue bruise on my upper thigh, but is all fairness I accidentally stepped on his toe while kicking him, so he couldn't retreat! His toe was pretty pink too, from trying to pull away. All in all it went well though.
My next match was against my friend Muriel, who can kick sort of hard, but lacks aim, and sometimes appears to be flailing. In her wild attack, she boxed me right in the crotch. Not impressed. I sort of told her off. I apologized later, but seriously! I have a few big circle targets on my padding. Not on my pants! Ow.
Jonah is all about superheroes right now, especially Batman since he got a Batman shirt from his dad. I was getting ready for work this morning, and I put on my new black skirt with grey chemise and black tee over it, and was feeling pretty good. And Jonah says to me, "You look pretty. Just like Batman." I guess when you don't have a ton of people in your life complimenting you, that'll do! I know in his mind, it was among the greatest of compliments.
I've been thinking more about my sweet girl and what I will name her. I thought I had it picked, but after this summer, I feel a bit like that girl I might have had is going elsewhere and my someday girl is not the same someday girl as before. I don't know if that really makes sense. But I feel a bit like the girl I will someday have is not the same one as I might've, so I'm debating whether a new name may be in order. But I'm thinking more and more about the names of referred children, and some of them are beautiful too, and I would certainly consider keeping one if it was as adorable as Hana, Eden or Biset. So stinking cute.

Best and worst of 2009:

2010-01-02T18:03:00.005-07:00

Best:

Zip-lining with my favorite guy in Rockridge this summer
Finding out that my adoption will go ahead
Spending time at the cottage in Ontario this summer
Teaching Art and Drama
Relaxing with my friends at our monthly scrapbooking club

Worst:

July 14
Finding out my ex was getting married
Hoards of obnoxious and righteous parents
Fattening up

Well, the year started out stressful, dipped to an all-time low this summer, but has ended on a relative high note. Things are okay, though nothing seems stable or certain in my world. But it's all good. It would take the fun out of life if I knew everything that was coming my way.

So my son's dad is getting married in 50 minutes. Walking down the aisle. And my guy will be there suited up as ring bearer. My mam is going just in case she is needed to help out with Jonah. I jokingly told her to leave her cell on so I could call at 7:10. I was kidding though.

My favorite guy got his hair cut today (still unruly, but less so than before -- just how I like it), and we picked up a couple of pairs of shoes: dress shoes for the wedding (I forgot to bring his from home when we came to town, but found a pair for 4.99 at Good Will -- lucky us), and a pair of tap shoes. We were told they were $33 but then found out the boys' shoes were actually $50!!! WHAT? Seriously. Fake leather shoes for $50. Thankfully they hurt his feet and he opted for the much shinier patent-leather Mary Jane style usually worn by the girls. He knows they are girls, but he doesn't care. Neither do I. He's four.

But in combination with the hot pink paint he picked out at Home Depot to paint his room? Oy. I know he's all boy, but he certainly has a feminine side that is alive and well. He also wants to join Sparks (like mini Girl Guides). Who wouldn't? They have snacks, do crafts and sing songs. It's ideal for my boy. But they said he couldn't join. And even though I emailed the head office, they have not responded. Nice.

Anyway. Happy New Year to all. May your lives be rich with family and friends, your hearts at peace and may each of you in the adoption world experience the joy of parenting.

Cheers.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-26T18:30:00.005-07:00

Hey all, happy holidays! Hope you all have had Christmases as nice as mine has been. My sister is out of town for the week and so we have her hoodlums for the weekend (they are with Nana and Grampa the other days -- Jim's parents). Oh! The reason I was all about my sister the other day -- the reason I was thinking she's kind of cool -- is that she did a project with her kidlets this year that I thought was pretty nifty: a Jesse Tree. I'd never ever heard of one before, but it might look something like this:Basically it is a tree of scripture which traces Jesus' lineage and prophesies His coming. It's sort of cool, if you like that sort of thing. And I do.

Okay, so I have a question for you all. I have food on my mind as I discovered a newly-opened Tokyo Express close to my mam's. My mouth salivates at the very thought of it. Oh, I'm going to my happy place. I was fasting today, so when I went there with my father, I could only stare lustfully at his meal. Oh, it makes me sad just remembering. Anyway, I thought to myself, if I could only eat one dish for the rest of my life, it would be a Tokyo Express salmon rice bowl with extra sesame sauce. Oh manna. Actually, if that was manna, I tell you the Israelites would have never whined about the lack of variety. So my question to you is the same: If you could eat only one dish for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Melanie On My Mind

2009-12-21T08:46:00.004-07:00

My sister likes to think she's pretty funny. I try not to encourage her too much, or her jokes start getting pretty, um odd, we'll say. And I also try not to let on that I think she's cool, even when she manages to pull off something that is pretty impressive. Don't want her thinking she's getting bigger than her britches. But my sister (Melanie -- stop reading here) is actually pretty awesome. I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to blog about her. So let you introduce you to my greatest friend, ally and competition. This is Melanie:

1. Amazing mother of three kids five and under. She somehow finds time and energy to raise three intelligent, musical little punks (yeah, have you ever met a kid who, when listening to music says, "Hey mum, is this a minor chord," AND IT IS?), running between kindergarten, music lessons and other various day-to-day things without using a TV daily or DVD in the car. She is hard on herself, as many mums are, but if her kids are a reflection of her parenting (which of course they are), then anyone would agree she must be doing a great job. Oh yeah, and she's due again in the spring. Make that four kids five and under.

2. Super Scholar (or super-nerd at least). Melanie is currently working on her Master's Degree in Music Education. Working her tail off, she is dissatisfied with anything less than an A+. Not that the GPA changes from A to A+ (both count as a perfect 4.0), but if she doesn't receive that + she will talk to the instructor afterwards to find out where she could have improved. Yeah.

3. Crafty Lady Extraordinaire. Quilter, Artist, but mainly a Scrapbooker, this woman somehow finds time for fun in the midst of this already crazy-busy life. She has been coordinating a scrapbook club for more than a year, and is a Close to My Heart demonstrator. She doesn't sell to people other than her closest friends and family -- partners in scrapping -- but seriously, how could she find the time? Her works are beautiful. To scrap well, your really do need to be an artist. And she is.

4. Preacher girl. Not just to me, and well, everyone who will listen as she imparts her own special brand of wisdom on our lives. She has led Sunday bible studies, home groups and now the church has given her an official platform doing the odd sermon at church. She did one this summer, and another in the fall. She does (though don't let her know I've said so) know a fair bit, so I'll give her credit there, but unlike her own view of self, she does not know everything.

5. Friend. I love my sister. She is my oldest friend. Well, I guess technically my mam is, seeing as we were bonding while I was in utero. But my sister is the one who poked my eyes when I came home from the hospital, to see if I was real. She was the one who played with me throughout my childhood - building forts, snow forts, Lego projects; inviting me to come with her to birthday parties; playing MBG's with me (Make-Believe-Games) that we were orphans like on Annie. Introducing me to her friends in high school, to Young Life, to Jesus. Being my encourager and conscience. Could there exist a better friend than the person willing to come over everyday while you're home with a newborn who won't latch? Just to teach me how to do it right? I think not.

I love my sister. I hope that Jonah will be as good to his sister as mine has been to hers.

A Reason to Blog

2009-12-17T09:48:00.002-07:00

I have spent the last many months not knowing what to write. Shell-shocked and internalizing all my thoughts, I didn't know how to regurgitate them here. But now great news has come and I am failing to subdue the hope that is welling within me. Referrals have started. I can't believe it. From what I had thought was the death of the agency to the phoenix-like resurrection, I am in awe. In a mere five months, we have gone from despair to hope to joy.
Two families (that I know of) received their referrals yesterday. I got an email from M saying that the Ethiopian end had reapproved the agency and that referrals could once again commence. I emailed asking if it meant that referrals would come right away or if they would wait until a transition home was established before they would start. Her response? They had already begun. In my mind, the flood gates are opened. And while I know that it is really much more likely to be a trickle as it was before July, I am again hopeful. Is it possible that my referral may come sometime around the start of summer holidays? Could it be that my sweet girl may, by God's grace, be home for Christmas? I don't dare hope. But I can't stop myself. I acknowledge that the people ahead of me in line according to the Y! Group has increased since the near-death of Imagine, but I'm not too far behind where I was before. I had been hopeful that my referral would be coming any day (had the agency not tanked), and now it seems, everything has been delayed 5 months or so.
Is it okay to hope? I guess it doesn't matter if it is or isn't. It's coming.
P.S. I got my yellow belt this week, without even a puddle. At the beginning of the week, I really believed that would be the best part of the week. I never even guessed that referrals were on the horizon.

Nightmares

2009-12-10T09:58:00.003-07:00

My favorite guy has picked up what seems like an enormous vocabulary for a four-year old. He was giving me a play-by-play as he moved his Buzz Lightyear in the living room the other day, and he used the word "automatically" a couple of times. There was another word in there that surprised me too, but I can't remember it right now. Then this morning, he asked,
J: Does God bring Christmas presents?
M: No.
J: Jesus?
M: No.
J: So what? Do they just fall randomly from the sky?
I'm not even kidding. What a funny kid.
We've started praying again for my sweet girl. Somewhere in Ethiopia, possibly not even conceived yet. It had been a long stretch over the summer when I only prayed alone about her. I didn't want to even bring it up with Jonah because I didn't know that she would come at all. Now we're saying that when he is six, he will surely have a sister at home. I hope that is very conservative. But who knows. They won't be close in age like I had hoped, but he will definitely remember the day he first met her, as he gets older.
I've decided on a New Year's Resolution. One that I'm excited about keeping and have thought about for some time. Actually, I want it to be more of a lifestyle thing and a mostly permanent deal, but I'll start for sure after Christmas. I am not going to be buying things new anymore, well except for food, gas, underwear, and a few select things. But other clothes? Toys? Household appliances? Vehicles (not that I'll need a new one any time soon)? I'm committing myself to shopping in thrift stores, classified, and kijiji-type websites. And I'm allowed to make some stuff myself.
I've had marriage on my mind lately. Jonah's dad is getting hitched January 2. I'm actually really sad about it, though Lord knows in my mind, I don't want to be with that guy. But my heart is still a little scarred. Yes, it has been four and half years since we split, but still. I had a dream about it last night. That we fell in love again but he had already made plans to marry her and so he did anyway. I woke up with my stomach churning. I don't know why I feel like this. He's been pretty friendly as of late, which is good, but it dredges up old things. Hey family - if you are reading this - I don't want you to comment. Pretend like you never read this. Anyway.
A positive right now: I've been taking Taekwondo a couple times a week, and though I'm exactly as chubby as when I started, I'm really enjoying it. And my instructor told me I can take my belt test next week, so I am pumped (and actually, a bit surprised). Yellow belt, here I come. The only thing I'm nervous about is that I have to do it in front of all these students and parents that I know from school. That and we have to show we can spar. It's a lot of bouncing up and down, which my bladder doesn't love. And it's a test, not in-class practice, so I can't excuse myself to run to the bathroom. Now I'm having nightmares about marriage AND peeing my pants in front of a crowd. Awesome. In fact, I have to decide today if I will in fact take the belt test, because I'm, yeah, stressed out is putting it mildly.
I apologize if that was too much information.

Detroit

2009-11-30T08:19:00.002-07:00

Here I am living the good life visiting my aunt and uncle in Detroit. I'm having such a nice relaxing time -- took a personal day and medical day (when I get back around noon) and with a long weekend, have four days to spend with some of my favorite people. We went to the Always Christmas store in Rochester, and are going tonight to see the Christmas lights on main street. Add to that chatting with family, meeting my cousin's little sweetie, and shopping on Black Friday weekend in the States, and I'm having a swell time. Actually managed to find a Christmas present for my not-so-easy-to-shop-for-sister, and a little something for my little sister too.
I finally, FINALLY got my cashola off to the agency, only to find out later that the address I used is wrong. So I emailed J to let her know that it is coming, and to get the proper address, and it still should get there a-okay, but I just need to scan and email her copies of my mailing slip and money order so she can be certain that it is coming. I asked when I talked to her today, how things were looking, and with a smile in her voice she told me that she couldn't say but that we would know soon. Soon. Hopefully in the next day or so.
Wish us all luck that our adoptions may continue, and I will post pics of our wonderful weekend soon.

One Year, One Day.

2009-11-05T20:12:00.002-07:00

Ahhh, life. That was a sigh, not a scream. Life is good. Now that we are back on track, my perspective is no longer all out of wack. I can wait. I wish I didn't have to, but it's okay. She will come. If she doesn't, my heart may shrivel like an old prune, but I'm not thinking of the what ifs. I'm back to thinking of the whens. When my sweet girl is finally in my arms, I think I'll have waited so long that the whole deal may seem a little surreal. But on the other hand, it'll realen up in a hurry. That's right, "realen." Yesterday was one year since my dossier landed safe and sound in Ethiopia. Okay, so a year ago, I really was silly enough to think I'd be in the final stages of waiting to collect my girl by now. Oh, naive me. A few months after my dossier arrived, I started to wisen up that it might be not until early 2010 before I got my referral. And I dealt with it okay. The wait wasn't killing me like it does some. And now. Well. I'm waiting. I'll be waiting. Probably still a year from now. But I'm not thinking of that either. I'm staying focused. One day she will come. She'd better, or what will I do with all this stuff I bought her! I say that sarcastically of course.
She will come. One year. One day.

Contact

2009-10-30T13:14:00.003-06:00

Hallelujah, we've had contact! I finally received an email from my agency yesterday. Yep, I have an agency again. All right. It's hard to say how long it will be before anything actually starts moving and referrals start coming in -- probably not until spring from what I've gleaned from various sources. I'm so passive and "whatever"at this point that I'm okay with whatever happens. Life will continue on and at some point, I will become the mother of two. Hey, it's all good. I'm feeling better now that I have some perspective. I am determined to continue living life and even possibly changing jobs.
I am encouraged by contact though. I'm glad to here Imagine is back, and just hope they make wise choices, and that each family who voted to continue will fork over the cash. My mam offered to pay the extra cost. I won't let her, but I'm pretty blown away by the generosity. Hopefully I can keep up my current level of patience and optimism. I was doing just fine at 8+ months into the wait before the bottom fell out from under us all.

A Song in my Heart

2009-10-22T09:50:00.002-06:00

What's going on? Two posts in as many days? Wow.
I couldn't help but be uplifted this morning when I woke up to my favorite guy cuddled up next to me, as he awoke and immediately burst into song! How can I not wake up on the right side of the bed? He woke up singing, and throughout the morning as we got ready for the day he continued. He didn't have all the words right, but these are them. (I actually caught it on my camera video as I snuck up behind him coloring, but I have no idea how to put it on my blog. If you know, you could feel free to advise me. I know how to get it onto the computer, but that's it.)

Be My Guide
by Brian Thiessen

Be my guide, God of Abraham
Lead me by Your hand, You are strong and wise,
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise

How I love You,
Great and Mighty King
You are faithful,
Through the ages You never change

Be my guide in the dark of night,
Set all fear to flight, You are hope and truth,
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise.

Be my guide for the road ahead
And should I feel misled, You are just and good
I want to trust in You
And in all I do bring you honor and praise.

It is the song I've been singing, humming and whistling since Sunday. I suppose he was bound to catch it!

No, I have not ceased to exist

2009-10-21T16:15:00.003-06:00

Well, it's been about a hundred years since I last wrote anything, and anyone who did follow along may have long ago lost interest. I have. Instead of writing, I continue to read about other people's lives.
I am sort of lost right now which is why I have not posted. I am planless in life. At crossroads, and not sure which way to turn. I had felt very sure that what I should be doing is missions work and so I explored my option there and continue to do so. I have looked at fostering but seeing as I have no idea where I'll be a few months down the road, it doesn't seem like a good call. I don't want to be another notch in a child's belt; another home to stay at before being ejected. If I foster, I want it to commit to it for a good chunk of time. I'm not sure I'm there right now, so that thought is on hold. There's a job in Nanaimo that I'm still working through applying for. They want my transcripts and so I'm waiting for those to come. And then just yesterday, my mam called and told me to sent in my application to E-town (where all the people I love live), because the school board is advertising. That NEVER happens! So as soon as my transcripts arrive, I will send them off with my application, and we'll see where that road leads.
Hard to say at this point which way I'll go. I still have yet to hear from Imagine or BDO which makes sense -- they are in the early stages of rebirth still -- but it's hard to just sit tight. When I think that it may well be still two years before I hold my girl, I'm discouraged to the point of giving up. Don't worry, I won't actually give up, but it hurts my heart to think of it. My guy will probably be six before he gets to be a brother. And I'll be 34. It's not old, but it's older than I had hoped for.
Anyway. Didn't want to be all sad and boring, but whatever. I'll buck up another day. If you need something to make you laugh, go HERE. I laughed aloud. This makes me want a husband.

The Plan Passed.

2009-09-24T09:46:00.003-06:00

Well, the plan passed on Monday with 93% support. I am super excited, but you will notice a shortage of exclamation marks in this post, even though the event merits them. I am so hopeful, but I am numb too. I mean, I so want things to move forward. SOOOO want things to move forward. But after this dip in the road, it's hard to be totally convinced. I am eager to send off my first payment to get the ball rolling, but am very reserved with my excitement. I haven't told anyone except close friends and family that it passed for fear of having to tell friends later that yep, it was supposed to move ahead, but then it didn't work out. I am not a pessimist. I so rarely take any road besides optimism. But I'm a little scared to be optimistic. So don't think I'm Debbie Downer. I'm really not feeling that way; just feeling cautious.
And I am moving ahead. Sent off that application for a teaching job in Nanaimo, but haven't yet heard back besides confirmation that they'd received it. I'm really hoping they will call though.
Another ball in the air for me is that I've made the decision to look into fostering. My mam is a foster parent and I know the good it can do, and I know the need that there is. I mean, I'm not going to take in kids with severe behaviors or predators who could turn my sweet guy into a victim; I know that there are some risks. But there are risks with anything, and parenting is about minimizing the big ones. I know kids in care who are amazing and just got the crap end of the stick. So I think if I don't get the job in BC, I will foster here. I'll take a break when my girl comes home, but that could be some time, so I'll let someone else borrow her room in the meantime. Not all the stuff I've set aside for her. Just her room. Our bonus [foster] child will have special stuff that I'm picking out just for him or her. I think it'll be a good thing.
I am sure that God has a plan. And he is faithful and I know all will work out for good. But I don't know what that good will be, so for now, I'll just be quiet and trust in Him. Do you hear that God? I'm trusting in you.

Untitled

2009-09-15T16:16:00.003-06:00

I'm too tire to think of a title. And apparently too tired to put a "d" on tired. Things are plonking along. The new school year is in full swing, as are my allergies. Seasonal allergies in Fall? I guess. Something's setting me off, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe dust. I need to dust. But it's not so dusty in my house that I should be reacting. You can't even see build up so... yeah. But I'm tired of sniffing like a coke addict so maybe I need to see a doctor and figure out what it is I need to avoid. I'm honestly worried that my demise will be at the hands of my allergies. Not any time soon, but you never know what's going to mark the end of you. My friend's grandpa died this summer from an ingrown toenail infection. Seriously. What are the odds? I bet as a strapping young fellow of 25, he never even considered that his toe would take him down.
Anyway. Not feeling morbid or anything, but you'd sure think so by that start!
Some good news - non-adoption related - is that Jonah and I are starting to take Tai Kwon Do this year together. It's going to be super fun. But I'm with Jonah in the 5-8 year-old class (because he's only turning 5 in April 2010). So that might be humbling at times, but hopefully I will be able to run as fast as my "peers." If I was in the adult class, I'd feel like the fat kid who can't keep up. But with the little guys I'll be the big kid. I'd rather be the big kid. And hopefully doing Tai Kwon Do twice a week, by the time Jonah is on his own in class and I'm with the grown-ups, I won't be fat at all.
What else? Oh. Jonah said the funniest thing to me in the morning about a month ago. He came into the room and this is the conversation:
J: Guess what? My pull-up's dry! Yep. Dry as a monster!
M: What? Are monsters especially dry?
J: I don't know.
M: Usually people say, "Dry as a bone."
J: Oh. Well, I'm dry as a bone!
In hindsight, I wish I hadn't corrected him. So random and funny.
So. The plan. I don't know how to feel. Good I guess, because it is moving forward, likely. Not thrilled that this has happened at all though. But no point sulking about it. I'm bummed that my kids are going to be so far apart in age. Of course, I'm not adopting a playmate for Jonah, but it would be nice if my daughter was also a playmate for Jonah. When I started, it seemed like they'd be about 3.5 years apart. Then four with the changing timelines. Now 5, 5+? Who knows? I wish I'd listened to those who months ago offered me advice when I'd asked -- about moving to BC. Would it complicate my adoption? A bit, but at this point who cares? It's not going to get too much more complicated. So I'm applying. There's a job opening in Nanaimo in the second half of the school year. What's the point of putting my life on hold anymore? Life goes on. I've got to move with it.

Pictures!! (finally)

2009-08-29T23:10:00.022-06:00

Okay, so I may have promised pictures, like, two months ago, but who's counting? Here they are (with few words):

At the Monster Truck thing in June:

Cotton Candy Goatee

Mt. Robson (on the way to Vancouver) in July:

Vancouver - July:

Poking anemones (gently) at the Van Aquarium

Much cheaper entertainment in Stanley Park

At my friend Maggie's wedding (Jonah was a ringbearer) - still July (only the first week too!):

Off-duty

Paddleboating with my sisters and the neighbor in Edmonton in July:

Jonah hanging with my cousin's kids (who we call Jonah's cousins) in August:

Sweet cottage life in Ontario (August):

Me and Jonah

Fishing with Grandpa

At the sweetest camp ever -- Rockridge Canyon (a Young Life camp) last week:

Jonah and his cousins

Yes, that is a couple of walking iPods

Jonah and Miriam

Getting ready to go with Jonah on the longest zipline in Canada (at Rockridge):

Ontario

2009-08-07T11:06:00.001-06:00

Well, here we are in Ontario, living the good life and visiting family. Don't know yet what will come of my adoption, but the next few weeks and months will hopefully bring (if nothing else) clarification. Waiting, praying and enjoying the summer. Pictures to follow soon (really this time).
Hope you all are loving summer as much as I am.

Greed

2009-07-28T18:13:00.004-06:00

You know, I can be a naturally guilty sort of person. It's not that I think things revolve around me, but sometimes I wonder if things happen in this world because of me. You know the story of Jonah? How God told him to go to Nineveh and tell the people of Him? And instead he went to Tarshish via boat. And then the storm came up and everyone prayed to their gods except Jonah who was trying to hide from his God, and he realized the storm was because of him. That the others just needed to toss him overboard and the storm would calm. And it did.
Well, I had honestly been wondering if what happened with Imagine may have been because I wasn't listening to God well enough. That because I felt Him calling me to missions or fostering or whatever, and my response was, "Just wait. I need a few more months or a couple of years," maybe He got tired of me ignoring Him. And so he took that which put my life on hold and shook it up like a storm. I know that this may sound crazy to some, and if it does, don't comment please. But I've been wondering if I just leave my girl behind me and do those things, maybe the storm will settle. I really don't want to though, and I can't help thinking I'm crazy to think it, but still it's there in my head.
But then I read THIS. I don't think this is God's work. This bullsh-- is the result of greed, selfishness and irresonsibility of the big cheeses at Imagine. I'm so pissed I'm in tears. I can't believe that people can be so careless when it comes to others, children, and the pursuit of family. Brutal.

Waiting and Making Plans

2009-07-23T15:53:00.002-06:00

Well, this is a sort of limbo period for all of us pre-referral folks. I know there is a lot of talk about taking over Imagine, but I don't know for certain that anything will really come of it. I'm very hopeful, so don't interpret this as me being Downer Debbie, but yeah. Who knows. I am curious though, if it does happen, what will the additional cost be? I mean, I'm not really expecting to get money back when I file a claim... well not much anyway, and so I figure I'll essentially be out the fifteen I've spent. So then what? Will I have to repay some? I mean, a company resurrected from bankruptcy will still have no money, am I wrong? So... yeah. I mean, I'm willing to pay extra especially when the option is losing fifteen. But how much will it cost, I wonder. I can't afford another fifteen... not even close!
A couple of potential positives, maybe, I don't really know. I would think that the order of referrals in a resurrected Imagine would be the same as when they went under, no? And since all the present inhabitants of the TH are being hustled out of there as soon as they can based on court and immigration, the latter of which is faster than normal, when/if Imagine restarts, that could mean a number of referrals right away. I'm trying to stay positive. If you feel like I'm grasping, point it out gently please. I'm a little sensitive right now.
If it doesn't go, I think I might not pursue adoption anymore. I really don't want to think it possible, but I just can't imagine it. I wouldn't be able to afford the international route again, and even though I would have probably gone through the Alberta government's Foster-to-Adopt program from the start, had I known how successful most placements are, I now have in my head a picture of my Ethiopian girl, and to replace her with a Caucasian or Aboriginal girl just feels wrong. It's not about race; it's about my expectations that I have long had for my family. I have imagined my girl for the last couple of years and it's too much to think of anyone else filling her shoes. I feel like, my girl is out there, somewhere, and she is meant to be with me. All the clothes and toys I have bought for my girl are for that someday-girl I'd imagined. I can't imagine giving them to anyone else.
So a couple of options lay ahead of me now:
1. If it is a go, and somehow, miraculously, this all still works out, than my life will continue as planned. I will live in this town I don't love, working at a job I don't love, enduring until my girl is home.
2. If it all falls apart, my life will come unpaused. I have put a hold on my life for a couple of years in anticipation of this adoption, in spite of advice from people commenting who said, "Don't do it!" and I will not do it anymore. If it doesn't go (my stomach flipped just thinking of it), then I will quit my job as soon as a missions position comes up. I have wanted to do missions for years, but have felt like life has gotten in the way. I've put it on the backburner for relationships, Jonah, this adoption, the idea that so many of us have that I need to store away like the ant, get a home, car, stable career, etc. before I can do what I'd love. So many people waiting for retirement to do what they love. Well, I'm not waiting 30 years! It's not going to happen. So either I start my missionary life in the next few months, or in a few years when my someday-girl is a little bigger. Either way, I'm done putting it off.
I'm brushing up on the Old Testament now, because even though I imagine I'll be teaching when I go, I'll want to be solid in my knowledge of scriptures and be able to defend my faith.
Life is good.
It will all work out one way or another.
Hoping and praying for the one way, but satisfied with the other.

What's the News? Fill me in!

2009-07-20T16:24:00.003-06:00

I don't really know what's going on. I saw on Canada AM this morning that the Ontario government has agreed to step in and supervise the running of Imagine until all files are completed. Did I hear right? Is that right? And does that only include those who are waiting for court and Visas? Or is that also the lowly waiting-for-referral-folks like me who have been completely forgotten in this? That wasn't meant to sound bitter. I'm just trying to be hopeful not to get hopes up? Is that right? Somebody please fill me in on the news. I am so out of it. No idea.

Later... I can't find that news anywhere. Please someone, tell me I didn't dream it.

Wait. What???

2009-07-16T13:14:00.000-06:00

Shocked. Nauseated. What else to say?

Delayed

2009-07-15T13:25:00.001-06:00

Okay, I guess I lied when I said I'd get pics up right away. But fear not... they are coming. I'm sure nobody's even caring, but you know, I don't want to seem like a liar.

Out of the Loop

2009-07-11T19:52:00.002-06:00

So apparently I have been away far longer than I'd thought. What with finals, report cards and a flash-and-dash trip to the coast last week, time has been flying. In fact, I've been telling people as recently as last week that I am 7 months into the wait, when in fact last week I busted past the eight month mark. Yay me! So much to write about, but so little desire to sit behind a computer, seeing as I am on holidays. becuz i dont hav to teech im goin to tak a brak from rules of speling and gramar and watnot and just let mi brane turn of. o ya thats th gud stuf. actule thats even harder unthinin then thinkin so now im goin to stop. So, instead of writing, IF anyone is still checking in, I promise to post pictures of the most recent activity here at the H---- Family Household. I can only guarantee captions, but hey, a picture is worth a thousand words and that works for me. Besides, I love looking at other's pictureful posts, but rarely are mine that way. Soon. Like, give me a day to upload.
Happy Summer All!!!

Poo.

2009-06-16T11:21:00.002-06:00

If your stomach is weak, this one might not be for you.

So I'm working in my garden yesterday after school, while my favorite boy is inside. I come in, and smell poo. I go into the bathroom, and all over the floor, wall, counter, toilet seat... poo. The floor is wet and toilet unflushed, and I have never had this happen before, so I call Jonah in.
M: What happened in here????
J: I pooed.
M: Why is it all over Jonah? It's on the wall and floor, and oh, look at my jammies! Why is there poo on my jammies? Why is the floor wet? Did you dump water out of the toilet?
J: No, that's pee.
M: Why is there pee on the floor???!!
J: I peed on the floor.
M: Jonah! I - What - ? Wh - ? !!! (speechless now)
J: (face crumbling) You're mad at me.
M: (finally realizing my boy had been explosively sick and had not made it to the toilet, and had then tried to clean up -- using my jammies as rags) No I'm not mad. I surprised that there is poop all over. I'm surprised you used my jammies to clean up. No I'm not mad.
J: (needing a hug, but having a mother who is unwilling at the moment) I tried to clean it up.

And so my boy proceeded to go directly into the shower, while I got elbow-deep. Yuck.
Waiting parents: doesn't this make you eager to dive in? I tell you, I love my sweet guy, but boy, this is not what I signed up for! Well I guess it is, but it's not my favorite part. I've washed the jammies well, but am not sure I'll ever wear them again (shudder!)

Satisfied at Seven

2009-06-04T11:23:00.002-06:00

Seven months. Yep. What else can I say?

A Song for My Girl

2009-05-20T11:20:00.002-06:00

I have finally found the most perfect lyrics for my someday-girl. I like to find songs for my babes that are, in my mind, all them. I haven't yet found the perfect on for my boy, although the one I always think of for him is a Shawn MacDonald rap, which always, without fail, brought him peace, even as a little shmoo. The lyrics are not about him, but I still think of it as his. This one though, is all about my girl. When I sing it, it makes my heart swell to think I'll sing it to her in my arms one day.

Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks

They didn't have you where I come from

Never knew the best was yet to come

Life began when I saw your face

And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep

To hold you close and feel your breath on me

Tomorrow there'll be so much to do

So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world

In search of all things beautiful

You can close your eyes when you're miles away

And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough, is forever enough

How long do you want to be loved

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Is forever enough

Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Six Months

2009-05-07T13:50:00.002-06:00

So this week marks six months in the wait for a referral! Six months…
Six months ago, I thought I’d have my referral well on its way at this point
Five months ago, I was getting ready for Christmas, thinking to myself, “Next year there will be three of us.”
Four months ago, I was ringing in the New Year, telling my sweet boy that this would be the year he would become a brother.
Three months ago, I started realizing it wasn’t going to happen this year.
Two months ago, I sent off my amendment, hoping maybe it’d help.
Last month, my first born turned four.
It has not been an easy six, but not terribly heart-wrenching either.
It did have a thought on Monday though… If indeed I get a referral in the next six months as I hope, and my girl is 0-6 months at referral, then the next six months will bring about:
The birth of one beautiful daughter with two bright, shining eyes, making us a family of three. And even if it takes a bit to meet her (which admittedly, would be excruciating), we will love her from many miles away, waiting anxiously to pick her up. The next six months will bring about the completion of our little family unit. To think that in six months, I may know my daughter… it’s not so far away, but it can’t come soon enough!
Praying for her to be well loved and cared for until she’s in my arms.

Finally Getting my Crap Together

2009-04-29T11:52:00.002-06:00

So I have finally FINALLY got my shtuff together and have sent off the part one of my sponsorship application. "Why," you might ask, "has it taken you nearly six months to do it?" Well, there are a couple of reasons. First of all, I'm a bit of a shmuck when it comes to completing paperwork, which is why it took so long in the first place to get my dossier sent off. Secondly, I'm a little hopeless that my referral will in fact come anytime in the next several months. I'm thinking to myself that with the growing wait times, it'll be a holy miracle if I get it before Christmas this year. That'd put me at 13.5 months, which seems a little hopeful given the trends we've seen in the last several months. I am 32ish though on the Yahoo! group list of Waiting for Referrals under 18 months. So that's something. Of course, I know it is only a fraction of the waiters being represented there, and it seems every once in a while, a new one pops up ahead of me in line. Such is life. I'm trying not to be Debbie Downer and focus solely on this, and adopt the mantra, "It'll happen when it happens," but I'm discouraged of course. How can anyone not be when the timeline given at the start are so SO SOOOOO far from where they are now. Seriously.
Anyway. On an aside, I'm working my tail off to get my trailer ready for sale by next week. So I'm busy doing all the things that would have made my house exactly as I'd've love, and wondering why people seem to wait until they are on their way out before doing those sorts of things. Oh well. It's getting done, and there is a solid sense of satisfaction in working hard.

Jonah's Understanding of Numerical Units (revised)

2009-04-27T14:51:00.002-06:00

So apparently I deleted the beginning of this post, somewhere along the way. Here it is:

So I've found lately that Jonah is using many measurement related terms, though it is clear that he does not fully understand them.

A few weeks ago, Jonah wanted to go play in the yard and so I dressed him all up and sent him out, and a few inutes later he was knocking on the door to come back in.
M: What's up buddy?
J: I want to come inside.
M: How come?
J: It's too cold outside.
M: No it's not, Jonah! (it was maybe 7 degrees outside, and he was well dressed)
J: (exasperated) Mam! It's like ten miles out there!
So cute.

And then yesterday:
J: Is Christmas soon?
M: No, not for a long time Jonah.
J: How long?
M: Umm, like two hundred sleeps.
J: (resigned) Ugh. That’s like ten minutes!

Oh, the last one, which is not so much about measuring as it is about straight counting, happened yesterday at the library. Jonah saw on the librarian’s desk, a jar full of candy for one of those “guess the number of candies and win them all” contests.
J: Mam, can I have one of those candies?
M: No. You have to guess how many there are and then the person who guesses right gets them all.
J: Can I guess?
M: You can try.
And so he proceeds to count to 20, which is as high as he can go. And then he stops, seeing that there are still many more.
J: Oh wait. I need to start again.
And he does, but stops again at twenty.
J: Huh. I don’t want to count anymore.
I’m a little sad for him that he felt embarrassed that he couldn’t count, because that’s what it was. The librarian and a bystander were both watching, so he was trying to save face. Seeing him experience embarrassment is new. Usually I’m embarrassed by him (or just as often by myself).

Here’s a lovely story of my most recent foot-in-mouth incident:
We were at the doctor’s and Jonah was being a turkey, because we had to wait over an hour to get in and there were no toys or even kids’ books to look at. So I took him outside and stood him up and talked to him for a minute about behaving properly. I was really embarrassed about how he was acting. Then we went back into the clinic and I say to the lady who I’d been chatting with for the last hour, “Well, he would be good in a condom ad.” (Okay, I know that isn’t nice and it makes me seem like a bad parent, but it is not at all that I don’t love my boy and want him very much. If you have seen that foreign commercial on YouTube about the boy freaking out in the grocery store and the horrified, embarrassed dad who is with him, with everyone looking and tut-tutting, and it turns out to be a condom commercial – that’s what I was thinking of. That was my boy at the clinic). So the lady was all quiet for a second, and I’m feeling like an ass for saying it, and then she tells me that she just found out that she’s pregnant. Turns out she’s totally scared. And yeah. I can back peddle and say that there are so many great things about parenting, but yeah. It’s hard to recover form that.
Next on my list of things to do before I die: develop tact.

Get Free Photos Here

2009-04-23T09:10:00.005-06:00

That's right. This is the real deal. Click on this link and you can sign up at Arts Cow and get free pics. (Like this one)

100 prints 4x6 each month for six months, or up to a year if you get a friend to sign up. (Or this one)

Sounds too good to me true? Well, I agree, but my sister signed up a few months ago and has been using it ever since. And what could be better for new or soon-to-be parents? (Or this one)

Anyway, check it out at this link, and help me earn my 12 months of free photos.

No, I didn't get Hit by a Bus.

2009-04-12T23:17:00.003-06:00

Hey all, maybe you remember me? It's been a while. I have started several posts in the last couple of weeks, and have not finished or published any, because I really have had not much to say. School is, pretty much the same. But we had parent-teacher interviews this past week, and there was no lynch-mob. No parents with petitions demanding my head on a stick. In fact, I only had good meetings, which was a really positive change.
I still don't want to stay in that town though. I have found this to be one of the most trying years of my life: stressful, friendless, and very lonely. I need a change. So I'm not sure where I'll be a few months down the road, but it would take a strange sort of miracle to keep me where I'm at. I'd applied for a job on the coast, and got a call for an interview, and unfortunately, never heard back again. He said, "I'll try and get the committee together early next week, and will let you know a good time for a [Skype] interview." That was a week and a half ago, and since then, nothing. I was supposed to have it sometime early last week, and even left a phone message to find out what was up, and apparently, they've decided to go a different direction, and don't consider me worth the time it takes to shoot off an email. Whatever. I actually don't care, which I suppose means it's probably all for the best.
I did however, go onto Facebook for the first time in a couple of months last week and found a message from someone I am not even connected to through FB, but she is instead a fellow teacher at a different school in my district, just a stone's throw from E-town, where all my family is. I had asked, when I saw her at Teacher's Convention, if she knew of any jobs coming up at her school, and though she didn't think so, said she'd ask her principal. So I find this FB message from her, that is at this point over a month old, and it says, indeed her principal may be interested, and she requests my resume. And I'm like, "Hell!" because a month's gone by since, but I send it off anyway with a quick explanation, and she wrote back the next day that after a meeting on the 20th, she'll know better what's up for next year, and so I hope that maybe something will come up. That'd be sweet to be able to drive into town for family dinners on occasion.
I don't know though, if teaching is really for me. I feel like a bit of a fraud, as I go in everyday, somewhat dreading the next many hours. It should not feel like that. And I know how competitive it is to get a teaching job, and how many people are desperate to get a job like mine, and I feel a little guilty knowing that one of those people is out of luck, while I'm already calculating how many more years til retirement. I know how awful that is. And everyone I talk to says, "Give it more time; give it a shot elsewhere," but I don't know if it'll be any different.
I've been thinking maybe Social Work is the way to go. I don't think it'll be my passion, but I'm pretty sure I can't make a career out of being a Fine Arts student, so maybe I need to think a little more realistic. So the holidays aren't as good. But when I go home at the end of the day, that is my time. That's worth a lot to me at this point. And maybe once I've taught for several years and don't have to plan so much, and have figured out how to be an efficient marker and only take in some stuff, my evenings won't be so crazy, but right now...? Blah. There is value in having summers and Christmases and Spring Breaks to chill out with the hoodlums, but there are good things about just hanging out with them normally and being able to spend good times with the everyday, even if the amount of time is less. Quality over quantity, right?
My mam doesn't love the idea of me becoming a Social Worker. It's what she does and so she knows how stressful it can be. She also would love to teach, and it was only bad luck that got her out of teaching and into Social Work in the first place, so for her to see me do it willingly, I think, is hard on her. I don't know though. I guess we'll see. I know that whatever job I do, I really want the assurance of stability. I have a permanent contract right now, which means unless I kill a student, I have a job until retirement. Given the economy, I am hard-pressed to give that up for some industry job that can be pulled out from under me at any time. I used to work in Forestry, but it is so much dependent on the economy around the world, and I would not want to be a sitting duck at this time. I need stability. Sole breadwinner in my family... I don't really feel like there's a choice.
And after this year, I have a permanent certificate coming my way, so if I do decide to return to teaching, it would technically be an option, though I know I'd probably have to head back out to the sticks to reinsert my foot in the door.
I don't know. I have no plan or solid solution or even an idea of where I will be a few months down the road. That's why I haven't been blogging.
I did host a sweet pirate party for my favorite boy's b-day. He's turning 4 on the 20th, but we had it early, because I have a week for Spring Break right now, and I got him a bike, so I wanted some time to teach him. It didn't take him too long to give up today, but I have high hopes that tomorrow will bring with it more enthusiasm. My sweet guy also saw his dad for the first time in 3 1/2 months today, and while I have plenty to say about that, I will wait until I have pics to post, more time, and a whole box of kleenex (spring allergies.... wee.). Soon.
One last thing... Congrats to all those who have been travelling in the last few weeks to pick up their babes -- it is the highlight of my day to read about the uniting of families. And especially, a HUGE congrats to Adam and Carolyn for their referral after 17.5 months of waiting. Everytime I head to their blog, I get mighty teary. I highly recommend wandering that way, if you haven't already.
Happy Resurrection Sunday all.

Untitled

2009-03-26T09:19:00.003-06:00

Why am I so tired? Seriously! I’m going to bed early, waking up at a decent hour to try and get my stuff together and not be stressed out before I have to go to work, and still… EXHAUSTED!!! There’s no reason for it, but as soon as I wake up in the morning, I’m pretty much ready for bed. Ugh. I’m in need of a holiday. And I need report cards to be over. Yep. That would be nice. And maybe some iron, come to think of it. I should pick up some kiwis.
Anyway, since I have nothing much else to say, I’ll tell about my two favorite Jonah-moments:
This morning, I told Jonah that I was going to jump in the shower.
J: You don’t need a shower.
M: Yes, I do.
J: But your hair doesn’t look stinky!
(Yeah, I don’t know where that came from)
And the other day:
J: You’re my favorite mam.
M: And you’re my favorite boy.
J: And I would never give you away.
M: Me neither.
I love that kid. He is so good (most of the time) and genuinely good-hearted. And he loves to cuddle, which I don’t mind either.

CBC: I've Never Like You

2009-03-22T12:50:00.002-06:00

Okay, so who saw that Friday night news story on CBC? I was warned of it a couple of weeks ago in an email from the agency. And matching the expectations I had for it, it was not good for sure. Because of that, in combination with the CBC article that came out on their website this week, entitled, "Buying Babies," I think we adoptive parents need to be prepared for the many questions people are bound to ask. While I do agree that the story was absolutely focused on the negative, completely disregarded any positives, and was definitely one-sided, there was that one family that adopted, and on the referral it said "unknown" under both the "Parents Names" and "deceased" under the "Status" category. The parents were right to say, that seemed strange, because if you know they are dead, then shouldn't you know their names? That made sense to me, but I guess there are always strange circumstances. But it was their choice to accept that referral, even though it seemed sketchy to them. So to then put that on the agency, I don't know. They need to take some responsibility in that I think. But of course, it's easy for me to say.
Anyway. I've been thinking plenty about the broadcast since I saw it, and though I know not all adoptions are done in an ethical way, I do think the vast majority of them are. And to decide not to continue, in light of this sort of thing, especially when the government has tightened the reigns and taken measures to prevent exactly this sort of thing, would not sit well with me either. I am not going shopping for a child. I am waiting to be matched with a child who needs to be taken care of outside an institution, and who needs to feel valued and loved. Am I doing it for me? Absolutely. But am I also glad that my girl will get a forever family who can provide for her well? Of course.
I can't help her family. I don't even know who they are. And even when I meet them, if in fact I can, when I go pick her up, I can't offer help then. I'd love to give them money. I'd love to make sure they are taken care of, and maybe do what I can financially to help them start a business or whatever to support the birth family. But I can't. It's not allowed for the very reason that it could be twisted and appear that I am buying my girl. It sucks, because I'm sure most every family adopting, would like to help out the birth families, if for no other reason that to be able to tell their child that they are okay. To have to leave them without offering anything, except maybe photos, is brutal. I wish I could do more.
I sort of figured out something. It's not as good, but it'll do. I signed up today to start sponsoring a couple of other children in Ethiopia. A 9-year-old boy who lives with his grandfather, and a 10-year-old girl with 2 siblings who live with their father and step-mother, who are unemployed and cannot feed the family. It doesn't help my girl, but it puts my mind at ease to a point, that another family will not have to suffer the same loss as my girl's bio-family.
I have many scattered thoughts on the topic, so sorry for the rambling. I guess the point is, that there is no perfect answer here. Things aren't always going to be done as well as they should. Is it okay to make mistakes at an institutional level? Well, no, not really, but it is going to happen. And then hopefully, because of those flaws, things will be changed and fixed. The point though, is that there really are great things that can come from the process -- families completed: children being matched with parents, and want-to-be-parents being matched with children. Money from the adoptions going into Ethiopia, and trickling down to hopefully help people at many levels. And in the case of IA, going to build a compound which will provide quality care to many children, medical help and education to a community... I know it may be a bit of a band-aid solution, but even so, a band-aid is better than a festering wound.

Time Stands Still

2009-03-17T15:31:00.001-06:00

There’s nothing new or exciting on the adoption front. But that’s not news. Things continue to move slowly, timelines continue to get extended, and so for those of us in this limbo of waiting for a referral, time stands still. And life moves on. Without this little person I’ve been waiting for. I just have to remind myself that she will at some point be dropped into our lives, but for now, she is a dream. I suppose this is the same as with any couple waiting to have a child. Pregnancy is not a guarantee, and for very few, it comes exactly when planned. Such is life, and this adoption (or any adoption, I’d wager) is not as I planned, so it, in that way, is the same as any other.
I’m moving on. My life is going forward. I’ve applied for other teaching jobs, not knowing if that’ll end up doing more harm than good to my career. I have a permanent contract right now with the school district, but I’m just not as satisfied with where I am as I’d like to be. I’ve always wanted to live on the coast, and so I’m taking the plunge. I’m checking out jobs on the coast. Hopefully it’ll all be okay. I guess I should check to see how that affects my adoption, and if it will bring it to a halt, I may have to delay, but right now, I just need to be looking forward, focused on the future, and not dwelling on the present, because while I do my best not to think about my girl at all, when I do, it is a weight on my chest.
So I’m looking forward.

Amendment On Its Way

2009-03-10T10:35:00.003-06:00

So I went to the post office yesterday to check on that package, and indeed it was the long awaited amendment to my HAR. It, along with my PRV stuff is in the mail today. Another milestone, but it doesn't really seem that significant. I'm plugging away at this point, not really excited or frustrated. I just am. Maybe because I had one of my students over last night to babysit, and when I got home, I chatted with her for nearly 2 hours before she went home, so I am tired. I'm a little nervous about having a student hanging out at my house one-on-one, but I'll make sure that next time, it's not just the two of us. It's too bad that at this time, being friendly with a student off school grounds can put my entire career at risk. Brutal.
Oh, one cute Jonah story from last week: we we doing bedtime routines and I was tucking him in and he was ready to pray. Most of the time, he tells me what to pray for, but that night, he wanted to pray. So we talked about what he wanted to say, and then he started:
J: God? (pauses, looks at me) He's not there.
M: He's there. He's listening, even when you don't hear him.
J: Huh (looking mighty skeptical).
It was pretty sweet. I just like to write these things down, so I don't forget.

4 Months and an Amendment

2009-03-04T20:26:00.002-07:00

Well today officially marks the 4 month point. I'm guessing it is not even a third of the way, and as much as I really really want my girl, I am surprisingly able to calm myself by thinking, "Hey, all in good time." It kind of makes me sound like I don't care, but I really do. It just doesn't help to be stressing about it, and I know my blog has been inconsistent (or consistently few and far between in posts) but it just helps me to pass the time quickly when I am not on a message board stalking blog-a-thon. I still read the blogs on my list, I just do it quickly so I can celebrate the highs with these friends, and encourage where I can when things are tough.
I think my amendment is in my mail box. I hope so anyway. I got something I have to sign for, but only got the card after the post office closed yesterday, and I left P-town for E-town this morning before it reopened. I have teacher's convention in Edmonton, and had a dentist appointment this morning and so came out a day early. I also got to see one of my students who was in a serious ski accident last week, and who is in the Stollery being rehabilitated. It's hard to hear about this great girl who I absolutely adore not being able to talk and having to learn to walk again, even though less than 2 weeks ago we weren't sure she was going to make it. It was bad. But the progress in the last week and a half makes me very hopeful that she will recover, and I just have to hope and pray that who she is once she's healed is close to the girl who she was before the crash. My girl was sleeping, but I left a gift for her, and her sister told me she'd let her know I'd been by. I might try to go in again before I head back home.
What else, what else? Oh, I think I may have a blind date next month during spring break. My best friend Becky has been telling me about this fellow that she says she'd go for if she weren't already dating and living with his friend. He's a good Christian guy, carpenter, and sounds like he's pretty responsible, and he didn't leave a cloud of dust when she told him about me, including the fact that I am adopting. Huh. Does such a guy exist? He apparently has agreed to double date and meet me over spring break, so I guess if that actually works out, we'll see.
Anyway, I am home for the first evening in weeks and just came down to check my email, and think I'd better boogie back upstairs to visit with my mam.
Cheers, all.

Recanting

2009-02-25T09:31:00.002-07:00

So I guess I've put myself at risk by beaking about IA and ABC. It's hard not to get a bit worked up when you hear about things that come off as injustice. I'm not going to say what's happening with certain situations is fair, but I can't say with certainty that they are unfair. Because I'm not really in the know, I'm just Jane Observer looking from the outside in. Except when it comes to ABC. I am in the know. I know they are pretty sketchy.

FAT Tuesday

2009-02-24T11:39:00.005-07:00

Okay, apparently I'm bit of a pessimist this month. I've blogged in irritation about both my agencies. Whoops! Maybe it's me, then.
Anyway, lent starts tomorrow. BUT TODAY IS FAT TUESDAY and I take that seriously. For lent, I'm giving up eating out, butter and sugar. So today, it's lunch out, and then pancakes for dinner, covered in butter and syrup. Yum.

IA: What a Disappointment

2009-02-21T14:47:00.003-07:00

Okay, how does it happen that IA can refer a child for adoption while the child is at the transition home, and then the orphanage that child came from just comes and takes the child back? I don't understand! Adoptive parents pay IA to take care of their hoodlums, and if they are not at the TH and IA has no idea about what is going on with them, how can they pass that off as taking care of our kids? You may not know what I'm talking about, or maybe you do -- this has happened to one of my fellow adopting bloggers. I do not understand. But based on this, and the agency's response, I am seriously questioning my choice of agency. When I talked to E about the conditions that my child will be in, I was encouraged that the staff: child ratio was 1:4. That's comparable with North American standards. How can they talk about this great TH, but not mention that the children they refer may not actually spend the time from referral to gotcha day there? I honestly can't believe that this has happened. I can't imagine how numb the mom must be not really knowing anything about where her boy is. Absurd. Brutal. IA, what the hell? We expect better of you. You have led us to expect better of you. What a disappointment. Lose the faith of you clients, and your business will soon follow. Pull up your socks. Get your shtuff together.

Tagged!

2009-02-17T11:12:00.005-07:00

Cool! I've never been tagged before. Here are the directions:
Go to your fourth folder of photos.
Post the fourth photo you find there.
No editing allowed.

This is a pic of my family Christmas morning. From left to right: my sister Cierra, my Jonah, niece Miriam, sister Caitlyn, niece Carmen, and nephew Finnegan.

I was tagged by Laura, and will go ahead and tag my sister Melanie, Rhonda and Lucilia (because I know she's got pictures aplenty!).

Cheers!

Boo to You ABC

2009-02-15T08:00:00.004-07:00

So! Apparently I am the laziest person ever to blog (or not to, as we've seen in recent weeks). Since I don't have the Internet at home again, I'm taking it as an indicator that I'm working really hard at work and don't have the time to blog while I'm there. Yeah, that's what I'm going with.
So a couple of things in the last couple of weeks: a new timeline announced by the agency (sigh), and a possible new home for us. Let's start with that timeline. I talked to my caseworker E this week, to clarify about this new timeline buzz, and indeed, it has been extended, again. That is crappy. I really thought that at this point I'd be half way through the referral wait. HA! Actually, according to the original timeline I was given, I could be expecting a referral any moment. Yeah. Obviously that is ridiculous to even think. We are now looking at 10-11 months for people currently receiving referrals. But that means that the people who have been waiting 10-11 months right now can expect a referral shortly. That does NOT mean that I can expect the same sort of timeline. In fact, I can pretty much be guaranteed a longer timeline. So, I have adjusted my hopes to a referral by Christmas (that'd be 13 months of waiting -- I hope HOPE that is as liberal an estimate as I think it is). Travel by summer 2010? The upside, I tell myself, is that there is no risk of getting caught in court closures, so yay.
There is, of course, always a chance that I will get a match with some medical issues and so the referral will come earlier. I did get the amendment done. Whether or not it'll go through approval anytime this millennium is another question. Seriously, I am so ticked at my HAR (home assessment report) agency. Yes, I'm talking about YOU, ADOPTION BY CHOICE (yeah, I said it). I had to get this amendment done in the first place, because the child desired section of the HAR was not done the first time around. I get that the SW who wrote it for me was new, and I was her first, but seriously, shouldn't there be some guidelines she goes by; some training she goes through for the job? I guess not. And so I paid the extra, and in all fairness the HAR writer recognized that it really should have been done the first time, so I had to pay the agency for the job, but she did not take a cut, so it may have been cheaper. That was nice. But then the amendment is done, and I ask when it'll be sent to me, and they say no, I don't have to sign it because it is just an amendment. Seems odd to me, but hey, they know their job, right? WRONG!! After 6 weeks of waiting for the AB gov to approve the 3-page document, I call Anne Scully at the department, and she looks it up, and says, oh, it wasn't signed and was returned to the agency. What the???! So I call the agency and they say, yes, it's on the way to me, and once I return it, it'll be sent off again. And apparently it's supposed to jump the line, but I'm not exactly holding my breath at this point. Fooey.
Anyway, I have to follow my boy and feed him, because he's wandered (we're at my mam's for the weekend), and I don't want to dump him on my mam this morning, as I often do. I'll tell about the potential new home soonish.

3 Months and a Mid-Life Crisis

2009-02-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

Coming up on three months here, and feeling like the time is flying by! I sort of expect that it will feel a lot more like crawling in about 5 months, but right now, I am satisfied to putter around in my everyday world, teaching, parenting, and living. I do have a fine life, that I enjoy more often than not. These last many months have been tough ones for me, but there’s a warm breeze in the air (not literally, unfortunately), and things are looking up.
Report cards are done (painfully) for another term. Usually, I’ll admit there are some assignments that do not make it onto the report card just because they are not marked in time, but I am very proud to say all my marking is now up to date, and from here on, I expect that I will be motivated to keep up, so as not to have the dreaded knot in my stomach that comes with knowing there is a mountain of paperwork waiting for me. Ugh.
My sweet boy’s father has made a return today. I had wrote him a letter saying, basically, that he needed to explain what the heck was happening, that he was not calling or visiting, and that he needed to make a choice to be in or out. And instead of answering the questions, he tried to arrange a visit for this weekend! I’ll have him come to see our boy, but I want him to explain what the… Am I being petty? Be honest; I won’t be offended.
What else, what else? I’ve been thinking more about the whole foster-to-adopt dealie. I don’t know. I really want my girl – no doubt about it – but am I ready to be a mam of two next month? Maybe not. And I know it may not go that fast, but I also know it could. That’s fast. Really fast. And the adoption wouldn’t go through right then, but there would be a baby. The two processes are sort of polar opposite. The one could have me parenting two in mere weeks, while the other will still take over a year (before baby is home with me). I would love an inbetweenie sort of deal. Kind of like the original timeline I expected when I began. Huh. Oh well. It’s not about my time.
I’ll admit I’m sort of having a crisis in my head. Really, my head can be my worst enemy. I’m sure I am not the only one out there with a plan. You know, a plan for my life. There are things I want to do, and things I have expected for my life up until this point, and very few of those things worked out the way I wanted them to. I really thought that by my mid-20’s I would be married and working on building up a family the size of a soccer team. No luck there. It’s hard for me to imagine that Jonah will be my only pregnancy, especially since I found it hard to fully celebrate at the time, for fear of being a single mam, and the uncertainty of how things would work out between his dad and me. The thought of Jonah being my only pregnancy makes me sad. Sorry to anyone reading this who is still eagerly waiting for child #1.
I know people who have divorced, and who maybe wonder when they will meet that great love they’ve wanted, but I’m still waiting on husband #1. Okay, I only want one, so that didn’t come out quite right, but you get the point. I’ve never been married, never lived with a man, unless you consider the many roommates I’ve had. It’s a hard pill to swallow, that I may always be a single, but I guess that’s life. It kind of makes me want to live a much freer life though. Go do good works, be a missionary, build and operate a compound in Africa, providing people with medical care, education, training, supplies for farming and survival, etc. I think sometimes that that’s the reason I am single. I have it in my heart to do that, so maybe that is what I’m meant for. Maybe God knows that if I have a husband, my heart will be on my own family unit instead. Still, I can’t really deal with the idea of being just me from here on. My biological clock is ticking, and for the first time in my life, I realized yesterday, that this is it! There is only one go round. When my body (which has never failed me) is past it’s prime, then that is done. No more bio-babies. That’s it. It’s very final. I know that it’s a common knowledge sort of thing, but still, I’d never though about it before.

Rambling

2009-01-25T17:38:00.004-07:00

I have not written in a while! I'm trying to keep adoption off of my mind, because it just makes the wait easier. I'm still waiting to get my amendment back from the province. Over a month now waiting for her to review a three-page document. Kind of annoying, but such is life, I've learned. I'm desperately trying to catch up on marking and school work, and getting ready for midterms exams.
The family came up for the weekend (my mam, sisters and niece and nephew). It was a full house! Full of fun and good company, that is. I was pooped out when they pulled out this afternoon, and so I let my favorite boy watch a little show while I watched the backsides of my eyelids for a few.
My favorite boy has not seen or heard from his father in the last 3+ weeks now. Even though last Sunday, I sent an email for him to call, and Jonah dictated a message for me to type asking him to call as well. Every night, when I ask my boy what he'd like to pray for he says, "My dad, and my heart." So we pray that his dad is well, and that he will call, and that if he doesn't Jonah's heart will feel better. Some may say, just call him! But it's a long-standing issue of him making an effort with our boy, and so we don't call. We leave it up to him. Sigh.
Congrats to those who are heading off to pick up their munchkins (I'm thinking of Ricki and Barb here). I'm looking forward to seeing your exciting dive into parenthood! The upside of the long wait of adoption, is that by the time you get there, you're as ready as you'll ever be, and with adoption, there are no whoops'. It's all very well planned and expected. Or so I hope.
One person commented on my last post, and said something that made me look at the wait and the change in policy in a whole new way. Here's what she (or he) said:
There were many done illegally under the old system...mine included. It sucks to wait for a referral....but it is a MUCH bigger hurt to deal with the knowledge of an unethical adoption for your entire life. We deal with it daily as we see our incredible child and know that the laws were not in place to protect our child and birth family from corruption....and yes...we did adopt in Canada...and the many I am referring to were also Canadian...sad, tragic but true. Though my child is amazing and we are so blessed...I would take a longer wait...much much longer to know that the adoption was ethical and legal.
Wow. I can't say it any better than that. And (s)he's right. I would not want to ever wonder if my child was taken from birth parents who loved her and were able to care for her. I'll definitely take the wait.

Discouraged

2009-01-13T11:15:00.004-07:00

My Internet at home is no longer in existence, so my posts may become less frequent as I have to type them up at work when I should be, well, working.
I've been doing so much thinking in the last week or so about the email that was sent out informing us of the changes in court and what not. Brutal. Crappy. That's about all I can say. And I get that it is about keeping kids safe and protecting families, but still. Yuck. I mean, I can't help but wonder how many children adopted under the old procedure were done so illegally. Were there any? I guess I should be happy that they are making a preemptive strike to ensure that it doesn't happen (even if it hasn't been happening up to this point). Well. I don't really know what more to say about it except to echo what probably hundreds of others are thinking or saying. What a disappointment.
When I started this whole thing last year, I thought maybe my girl would be about 3 years younger than my boy. 3 1/2 I guess. Then with the adjusted wait times, I thought, okay, maybe more like 4 years different. But now? My guy turns 4 in April, and I am pretty sure that I will not be seeing my girl's picture until the summer. Scratch that. Fall. Boo.
I really thought that hoping for a summer referral was very reasonable. I thought that I was being safe so I could avoid disappointment. Err on the side of caution, I told myself. But now? I'm not sure I can be cautious enough. I have readjusted my hopes to summer 2010 travel (makes me want to cry), seeing as babes will now have to wait longer to be with their forever families and therefore, will spend more time in the transition homes, and so referrals will also take longer because those referral spots will be occupied by court date babies. I'm trying so hard to be okay with that. But I'm not. This feels like the first in a very long series of let-downs in this process. It honestly makes me question if I'm strong enough. I guess this whole deal makes you strong enough. You don't have a choice, because once you see your sweet babe's face, there is nothing so awful that could make you give her up. But oh, I can see it now... it's going to be a long hard road.
My mam still thinks that maybe I should foster-to-adopt through the province, and I'll admit, it is mighty tempting. I mean, realistically, I am in it now, and I'll stick it out, but how sweet would it be to have a little one with me from birth, and to wait out time for court dates while raising my girl? Mighty sweet. And I know that foster-to-adopt is not a guarantee. When my girl comes home, she is mine. And she will be mine forever. And some foster-to-adoptees will go back to birth parents. But not many. Very very few. If I knew how few when I started, I might've gone that way I'll admit.
I'm not trying to sound like a quitter. I'm in it for the long haul and just have to try and push this out of my mind until the ball gets rolling again. Come on ball. But it is true that I make a conscious effort not to think of it. To fill my mind with anything else. I know I am only two months in, and the wait so far has flown, but it is the mountain ahead of me that has me so discouraged. I hope it's true that prayer can move mountains.

Two Months

2009-01-03T08:19:00.004-07:00

Two months! Seems a little like a drop in the pan considering the expected wait times, but I'll take it. This month has pretty much flown by with the holidays. Hey! Maybe what I need to do is quit my job and go on a months-long vacation! That'll make the time fly by! I'll have a referral in no time! Yes, that's an idea.
On another note, here are my two favorite Jonah-conversations of the last few weeks:

Jonah: (Yammering on about something, while I tune out in my own little world of driving)... What do you think about that?
Me: Oh! That's pretty cool.
J: (In disbelief) No it's NOT! A real dinosaur!!!
M: Oh. Um, sounds pretty scary?
J: Well Yeah. It IS!
I still have no idea what we were talking about.

Driving in the car yesterday on the way back to P-town...
J: (Indignantly) What did you do THAT for MOM???
I look into that back seat to see a shiny-faced boy -- think Shawn Mujumder as the sweaty Indian man on This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
M: What happened?
J: You slowed down, and then you started going again (while he was drinking juice from a bottle).
M: (Trying not to laugh) Oh, sorry but someone was turning so I slowed down, and then they turned so I kept going.
J: Oh. (pause) Sorry for getting mad at you mam.
Seriously, who apologizes after being soaked in juice, even if it was an accident? He is a better person than his mama.

Top 10 of 2008/ 2009

2009-01-02T16:44:00.004-07:00

Okay, this morning, I just needed to vent. But here we go: the top moments of 2008 and the things I'm looking most forward to in 2009.

Top 5 events of 2008:
1. Finishing my first full year of teaching.
2. Beginning my adoption of my sweet girl (I'm really doing it!).
3. Building the fence in my yard (a small thing maybe, but it occupied the better part of the 2008 growing season!).
4. Seeing my foster sisters again after seven years.
5. Skiing with the family in Jasper this Christmas holiday.

Highly anticipated events of 2009:
1. Getting a referral for my daughter and (here's hoping) passing through court before the year's end.
2. Seeing my favorite boy off to preschool (wow! time flies!)
3. Getting a teaching job in Edmonton and moving back.
4. Selling my trailer in P-town for a lofty profit ;)
5. Meeting the man of my dreams! (well, we'll see on this one!)

Okay, so some of the events of 2009 may be more reasonable than others, but I do expect to get my referral, send Jonah off to preschool, and move back to Edmonton, whether I have a teaching job or not! By the end of this school year, I will have my permanent teacher's certificate, so I could potentially take a different job for a while, or sub until something more permanent comes up at home. I am so hoping to find something there soon!
Actually, truth be told, I am currently debating whether teaching is in the cards for me for the remainder of my career. I have found this year to be one of discouragement after discouragement, and I don't know anymore if this is really what I want. I find working with my hands very satisfying, so maybe a job in the trades is something to look at. I don't know. My sister and brother-in-law have strongly advised me not to make career-altering decisions based on this school year, but I don't know. The other thing that would be nice is to have a job that doesn't require me to take work home nearly ever night! I shouldn't complain, I know, because there are plenty of unemployed teachers out there who would be happy for my job, but it is wearing. I guess in the many months to come we will see how everything pans out.
Here's wishing that my 2009 year works out as well as I hope!

Dynamite

2009-01-02T09:46:00.002-07:00

I wanted to write about all the things I loved about last year and all the things I'm looking forward to in the year to come, but that entry will just have to wait a day or two.
I have been religiously stalking the blog of one Dynamite D(whose blog is private, and therefore I am not linking to it), and finally heard news this morning of her second court date. Again, it was a no-go. Seriously! I have known that court does not always go through on the first try, and am trying to prepare myself for the possibility, but to not go through on the second date? I can't imagine. I don't even want to prepare myself for that sort of thing. And yet there it is -- it happens. It happened to D. C-rapp-ee.
I have felt deflated all morning since reading the news. I have felt down-hearted. I have felt like crying. And I have never actually met her! So how must she feel? Words, I'm sure, cannot describe. And I have been following her as she waited for the second court date, and have not known how to comment on her posts. What can you say to someone who is grieving (at not passing through on the first go, and having to delay being united with their child)? I can't say I understand. There is no use trying to see the bright side, because it sucks, and that's all there is to it. And I'm sure that all will work out in the end, but that is little consolation at this point.
I'm so sorry. That's all I know how to say. It probably doesn't help much, but it's all I know how to do. I'm thinking of you D. I'm praying like crazy. I know that many, many of those following your journey are. May January fly by. May the paper-pushers get their stuff together. May your girl be well cared for and may your hearts be healed and uplifted come February 12.

Happy New Year All!

2008-12-31T12:44:00.004-07:00

We came back a couple of days ago from our post-Christmas trip to the Rockies. What a great time we had in Jasper, skiing at Marmot! I thought that Jonah would finally be old enough for ski lessons this year -- when we were skiing Smithers, we were told they had to be three -- but unfortunately, Jonah had to be FOUR at Marmot. Oh well. We had a great time anyway. We spent some time skiing on the kiddy hill, mooching advice off of the ski instructors about how best to teach Jonah how to ski on his own. We were told that the best way for kidlets to learn to turn is to use airplane arms. Basically, if you want to turn one direction, tilt your arms (one up, one down) so that you are showing your armpit to the direction that you want to go. Seems counter-intuitive to me-- I'd've thought it was the other way around -- but it totally works! So Jonah practiced going one way and then the other on the hill (still on the harness), and then we played red light green light on a slower run, so he "french fried" (kept his skis parallel) to go, and "pizza-ed" (snow plowed) to stop. It was the best ski trip we'd had, hands down!

Well, in all fairness, the dynamics between the members of the family were not at an all time high. Take five over-played, under-rested people and stick them in the same place for three days straight, and there are bound to be some clashes. Add to that the fact that my two sisters are a couple of pre-pubescent hormonal gals, and well, you can guess. But even so, it was a sweet trip. The second day of skiing, Jonah was right tuckered out by mid morning, so after lunch, I put him in the daycare at the hill for the rest of the afternoon, and had the chance to ditch my rental skis and go snowboarding on my new Roman deck. LOVE IT!! It was so much fun! And while I ski so that Jonah will soon be skilled enough to be off leash and we can zip around the hill together, I really am not a big fan of skiing. I never really got great at it, despite starting when I was four. So I started snowboarding at 16 and have never looked back -- until I had a small child who could not ski between my legs when I was snowboarding. So I've skied the last couple of years, but I think by this time next year, I will have respite from the skis, because Jonah will be able to hold him own.
When we arrived home on Monday, however, our happy holiday was abruptly ended by the smell of poo as we came into the house. My dogs were downstairs (Felix in the kennel, because he chews) and he had pooped in his kennel. Apparently they (both of my dogs, but not my mam's) had had diarrhea since we left. Every evening when John, our dog-sitter came to let the pups out before bed, there was feces. And every evening, John would clean and bleach our floors. Good Man! But I guess Felix had defecated on his rug in his kennel, so John replaced it with a pillow, so when I came home, not only was the brown stuff everywhere, but it was mushed into the pillow fluff that covered the floor! Excellent! I'm sure nobody wants anymore details than that (I'm sure some have already stopped reading -- sorry) but yeah. Gross. So not a great welcome home, and the pups are still sick, even a couple of days later. I finally called the vet today, thinking if it was something they had eaten, it should be out of their system by now, but the vet said, no, it could still be something they ate, so I've been instructed to have them fast today, and then start them on a different diet for a week or so, to reset their systems.
So yeah, generally good times around the holidays. My sister bought me for Christmas some sweet paper from Close To My Heart (she's a demonstrator), and an 8 x 8 album to scrap my trip to Ethiopia. So sweet! I love this Boom-Di-Ada paper:

And I'm also looking forward to soon starting a cloth album to send to my sweet girl, once the referral has been made. We will print out pictures from the computer onto cloth and then use other fabrics to scrap instead of paper, so that she can see pictures of the family and if she chews on us, no big deal. The Ethiopia trip pages I would really like to have the templates for them finished before I go to Ethiopia, so that when I return, it'll just be a matter of picking photos to crop and glue in.

I know, I know, I have nothing BUT time at this point, but even so, it is nice to think that somewhere in the foreseeable future, there is an end to this whole crazy deal. So I will keep my crafty self occupied for the moment, pouring my affection to this as of yet unmet daughter of mine, via scrapbooks. And clothes. Oh mercy! I went to the Children's Place Monster sale yesterday, and had to practice some serious self-restraint. One thing I can be sure of is I will have one stylish girl, once she's home.

Speaking of coming home, Karen is back with Phoebe. I thought of her so many times in the last couple of weeks, waiting with baited breath for any updates, and when I finally made it onto the computer this morning, was overjoyed at the many posts and pictures that she has put out since coming home with her daughter. I'm living vicariously through her right now, comforting myself with the mantra, "Someday my turn." Someday.

Merry Christmas All!

2008-12-25T23:20:00.002-07:00

Having had an absolutely blissful day myself, spending time with the family, I hope you all are making the most of the holiday, and I am praying for the many upcoming court dates, especially those of you who are up for round two in the courts, that all goes well and your babes are home soon.
My Jonah said something so sweet on Tuesday, as we were driving to a friend's for dinner, that I just have to share it. Warms my heart, that kid! Here it is:
J: I have a secret to tell you.
M: What's that?
J: When we get home, I am going to give you one of my quiet time toys to keep!
M: Wow, that's so nice!
J: I'm going to give you two!
M: You are so sweet, Jonah.
(after a minute's pause...)
J: I'm a keeping boy.
M: I don't know what that means.
J: I'm going to give away all my toys to keep.
M: That is so nice, Jonah. You must have a really big heart.
J: Cause you kiss me so much!

Makes me think I'm doing it right!
We're heading off to the mountains tomorrow, which I'm totally looking forward to. It's holidays, and so I should have nothing but time to spend with my boy, but the truth is, with all the people and multitudes of distractions (namely new Playmobil toys for Jonah, and a Wii for my sisters that has me distracted), I miss him and feel like I haven't spent enough time with him. These next few days of being together in the great outdoors will be good for the spirit.

Sweet girl of mine, wherever you may be right now, I'm thinking of you and praying you are well and healthy and loved. I'm missing you already.

Wooo-Hoooo! Holidays!

2008-12-22T09:26:00.003-07:00

Jonah taking off the ski boots (March 07)

I have been a little out of touch with this blog lately, as my internet is not working at home (apparently the phone company expects payment or something? Who can understand the inner-workings of these crazy companies?). Whatever, I'll square up the bill, but if they can't bother with an automated phone call to inform me I'm about to get cut of, I'll shop around for a different company. Maybe I'll bundle my satellite, phone, and internet with Shaw. Whatever. My fault I know, but, meh. It'll all work out.

On the up side I AM HOOOOOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS! Two weeks out of P-town and hanging out with family and friends in Edmonton. We are already having a great time. Games night last night at my sisters, and for today Christmas shopping with the brother-in-law, lunch with my best friend, dinner with old friends in town from Nanaimo in Tuesday, and on boxing day, off to Jasper for 4 days -- skating, skiing, relaxing! I'm trying to convince my sister to let her oldest daughter to come, but she's a bit protective ("She's so small," she keeps saying). Well, she may be small, but this will be Jonah's 3rd year out on skis, so come on! It's time! Of course knowing that I had Jonah out on the hill before he was two might make some think I am underprotective, but my boy loved it! couldn't get enough! And most of the time, he was not between my legs (thank goodness, because it is hard work!) but he was between the legs of an experienced ski instructor friend, while I was yelling "Left! Right!" into the radio headset to guide my blind boyfriend who I was with at the time.

Jonah and Lynne (the ski instructor)

Last year though, Jonah was two, and managed to do well on the harness! I was totally impressed. Toe-clips on his skis and a harness, and we were good to go! He skied a bit between my legs, but it was great to have a break with the harness and be able to stand upright. So I am hoping that she lets Miss Miriam come, because she and Jonah would have a great time!

A Random Survey

2008-12-17T12:09:00.004-07:00

The items I've done are in bold/underlined! Copy and paste this list to reflect your own experiences.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain (Mt Robson!)
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (See #12)
20. Slept on an overnight train (See #91)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (Don't tell!)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (See #12)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (does a tooth count?)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury (almost!)
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

$11 House

2008-12-15T23:24:00.003-07:00

I just entered the coolest contest, and I am so pumped. It is called the $11 dollar house and you can link to the site HERE. Basically, you send off $11 and an email saying why it would be great if you could win it, and the couple that is hosting the contest picks the person they think should get it. No random draw here! And they have to have a certain amount of entries to make it go, because they don't just want to give it away out of their own pockets (of course) and so enough people have to enter so that the house could be paid off. Hopefully the number of entrants will go up exponentially, as it gets more press. It's the real deal, profiled on CBC even. And if they don't have enough entrants, they will refund the money (if they choose not to do the draw).
I think it is pretty neat. And actually, the house is mere blocks from where I grew up which is cool, and if I win, well, no question, the debate about when to move back to Edmonton would be solved. So, I know that there are plenty of deserving people, and certainly many far more "in need" than myself, but if you want to send off a prayer on my behalf, well, that'd be great.

Where Should I Be?

2008-12-14T23:10:00.001-07:00

I'm in a sticky place career wise, and am not really sure what I should be doing about my job. I miss my family. I don't love my job, with the politics and games behind the scenes. And the wait time for referrals, well, keep getting longer. I understand (sort of) why the wait times are what they are, but of course it is disappointing. As disappointing as having to wait even longer for my sweet girl, is the fact that in order to fully collect on my parental leave, I have to stick it out in this current job. Well, I don't have to, but in my head it is the right thing to do. If I get a referral by the end of the school year (which would put my wait time at 8.5 months), then it would be fine to stick it out here, knowing that I'd only really have to wait half the year before I could go and get my daughter. However, if it takes, say a year by the time I get to my referral (which, unfortunately, would not surprise me), then I could have another whole school year under the belt before I start my leave. And if that is the case, I could see about getting a job in Edmonton for a year before my adoption is completed. That would get me home this summer (which would be so nice). However, I don't want to start a new job with a different district, only to be unable to finish out the contract, because I'd worry that it would get me blacklisted. So I don't know what to do. No resolution in this post, but it is a topic that is weighing heavily on my mind. What to do, what to do...

Babylegs

2008-12-11T22:19:00.004-07:00

Have you ever found something you just couldn't stop lusting over? For me (recently) it's babylegs. Huh. That doesn't sound good. That's not what I meant. What I mean is babylegs, the brand name of those itty-bitty little baby legwarmers! Dang they're cute. Check out these sweet pictures of Cindy's boys (a mom of Ethiopian triplet brothers) decked out in stylin' rainbow babylegs.
Well, today I thought to myself, maybe I can find me a deal on ebay. And what do you know? There they were, and even with shipping, they were about half the price. Oh yeah!

All three pairs for less than $30 CAN including shipping.

God Bless the Librarian

2008-12-10T21:46:00.008-07:00

I love our school librarian. I told Doris about my Jonah's bedtime woes and she came to me about an hour later, with a couple of books she'd picked out and signed out to me. She had said to me that maybe part of the reason for Jonah's reaction could be that he is genuinely scared when he goes to bed, and maybe part of it is that he feels like he's not as important to me as he wants to be. I was totally choked to hear that, because of course I love him with all I have, but she could be onto something. Most waking hours in the day are spent getting things done: getting breakfast made, getting ready for the day, getting out the door, getting my stuff together at the end of the school day, doing some photocopying, getting out to the car again, making dinner, eating, showering, and bedtime routines. Where in there do we find time for fun? The answer is weekends. And that's not okay. I mean it's not like we have no time together during the week; we play for a few minutes here and there, and cuddle up together on the couch to read together before bed, and most nights we end up in the same bed together. With the exception of school hours, we are physically attached, but not interacting the way he'd like. So maybe she is onto something. These are the books she gave me:

Both are written by Todd Snow, and basically follow the format, "You are brave when you..." and "You are important because..." They are simple but good and Jonah gets it, even can understand what it means that he is important (a tough concept for a three-year-old).

This next book, though, this is the treasure, and if you know any little guys who don't like to be away from their parents, it is awesome. Basically, it's about a little raccoon, who is afraid to start school and be away from the things he knows (including his mom). So his mom kisses the palm of his hand and tells him whenever he needs his mom's love, he can put it to his cheek and think, "Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you." We read the book and then I kissed Jonah's hand and he put it up to his cheek and I said, "Can you hear it?"

And he said, "It says, 'I love you.'"

"And who is saying that?"

"You," he says.

We had a really good bedtime. A couple of times I thought he was going to start fussing, but then I told him how great he was doing, and he'd stop and we did a quiet, lovely bedtime. Tucked him in, and not a peep. No tears, no excuses. If you have a young 'un who resists being put to bed, this is the book for you.

Amendment and Bedtime Insanity

2008-12-09T19:18:00.004-07:00

Some good news on the amendment front: I called ABC this afternoon to find out what was happening, because I had not heard anything on it for about a week. Ramone told me that she had sent it off to Perdita (the HAR writer) to sign, and then she would get it back, sign it herself and then send it directly to the province. I guess for the amendment I don't even have to sign it! So that takes one step and stop out of the equation, which is good, and hopefully since it is a mere 2 page document, it will be quickly forward to my favorite agency.
My favorite boy, on the other hand, is driving me crazy. Every night when I put him to bed, he is just fine until I tell him it's bedtime, then we have an hour-long meltdown, which he approaches from several directions. There is the foot-stomping, couch-punching anger, which I try to redirect with songs and a prayer, but usually I end up only doing one song and a prayer because he won't stop. And then he's frustrated by the fact that he only gets one song. And then I tuck him in and he's good as gold when I'm laying with him, but when I get up, the crying starts, and then the guilt trip -- "I'm scared" over and over. And I know that's not true, because when he is at my mam's or sister's he is fine, even in the dark. And then the anger again --"Dammit! Dammit!" (because he knows he's not allowed to use that word -- he didn't learn it from me). And eventually the constant crying drives me to the edge and I close his door, even though I know he hates that. But at that point, I have warned him over and over. So then it is 45, 60, 90 minutes past his bedtime, and I am ready to lose it. And I tell them that if he's quiet for a few minutes, I'll open the door again, but if we manage to get the door open again, he starts crying again right away, and it gets closed again. And that brings me to this point, with a red-faced, door-kicking pissed-off three year old yelling under the door crack,"Mummy you're a maniac!" because that's the best insult he's got.
So here's the question to you -- parents, parents-to-be, aunts, uncles, and readers of child behavior management books -- what the? What can I be doing differently? Because I am calm (usually), I tell him what I'm going to do if his behavior continues, and then I do that. I'm doing what I know and it's not working. So do you have any advice?

I Have Her Name

2008-12-09T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I know that nothing is really happening on the adoption front, because of course, I am just waiting now, but I have had an exciting revelation – I have thought and (I think) decided on a name for my girl. I wasn’t going to change her name, out of a respect for her family, and I know somewhere in the name I will pick will be her name too (probably third), but I have the names that she will get from me. You’ll have to wait until she is my girl to hear them, but I will give a hint. Her first name will start with an A and her second with a B. But she will be called by a short form of the second. Those are your only clues.
I hate it when people are cryptic, but oh well.
On the spreadsheet front, I have made an Excel sheet to keep track of recent referrals and the many many people ahead of me, but the newest modification (yes I spend way to much time absorbed by this process) calculates the number of days people wait for a referral and then averages those numbers, and projects (based on the current date and average wait) my possible referral date. I know it won’t be right there and I know it’ll change as info is updated, but right now, end of June. I know wait times are increasing, but I don’t care. I just need to point my attention elsewhere!
It’s a good day! Eight and a half school days until Christmas holidays!

God bless the creator of the 4-day weekend!

2008-12-07T19:09:00.002-07:00

Oh, sweet weekend of being... not in P-town (where I live, but wish I didn't!). And I never thought I 'd be so thankful for Edmonton! I never loved it much when I lived there, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder!
We had such a nice weekend of hanging out with family and friends. My mam had her annual Christmas party, so I had an opportunity to visit with friends that I don't see regularly anymore, and of course, we ate too much good food (I like to get a jump on the Christmas weight gain - just kidding). I told people how things are going on the adoption front -- which basically can be summed up in two sentences "I am waiting. But it's going to be a long time before I can pick up my girl." And yeah. Good times.
And even though I came home to an answering machine message from a parent, who apparently feels like it's okay to call me at home, I feel well rested and ready for the week. Bring it! Ten more school days until Christmas! Yay! And the plan for Christmas? Well, catching up on all my marking, but also... Christmas! And then driving to Jasper on Boxing Day, and skating at Jasper Park Lodge. Then for the 2 days following: skiing at Marmot. AND this year, my favorite boy is old enough to take a ski lesson which means I can have an hour or two of snowboarding instead of wearing little training skis while being attached to my guy by a harness! Sweet!!! And then the next day, out to Maligne Canyon for a little cross-country ski, maybe a canyon hike, before heading back to Edmonton.
Jonah's father picked him up today for a visit, and asked if Jonah could sleep over one night over Christmas holidays. I think that'll be good. For all of us. Because I will have a rare opportunity to actually sleep through the night AND sleep in in the morning, Jonah will have a chance to spend some bonus time with his father, and Jon, well, he'll have a dose of what it is to have a small, cuddly boy wake up crying in the middle of the night, come crawl into your bed, and press his hot body and cold feet up against him for the remainder of the night, until his internal clock sets him off at six a.m. and he expects him to get up and play. And then if his dad doesn't get up, he may find that that pen that was left out has found a way to operate itself (Jonah'll swear he had nothing to do with it). Have a good sleepover boys! I know anyway, that I will enjoy it. But actually, I'll really miss my guy, because even with all of that, I'd rather he spend the night with me. In fact, he said something along those lines this weekend, when I was pushing the cart at Costco and he wanted Oma to do it instead. He said, "Mam, you want to be with me, but I want to be with Oma." Thanks a lot punk!
I bought a couple of diaper shirts for my girl today. Cute! I find myself picking her up a little something almost everytime I go out shopping. I can't help it. She is constantly on my mind. And I've only been waiting a month! Oh my. I'm just going to try to distance myself from the wait in hopes that I can just live my life, not wondering when it'll all happen. Yeah right. Well, wishful thinking anyway.

Random Thoughts

2008-12-02T19:41:00.003-07:00

Four weeks waiting. Okay, I know compared to you seven, eight, nine months plus folks, it's minor, but I'm excited. Time is passing. And it certainly doesn't hurt that school is keeping my busy and occupying the vast majority of space in my mind.
I'm looking forward to a 4-day weekend this week. I have to get sub plans together which takes some time, but I'm not too worried about it! My sitter is having a bit of a family crisis and has to go out of town on Thursday, and since I have no back-up sitter, I had to figure something out. So I booked a dentist appointment on Thursday and my sister's getting a doctor's appointment set up Friday, and so I get two medical days this week. It's maybe a little schemish, but I've never taken a medical day -- I've always done that stuff on weekends and evenings -- and I'm entitled to them so I don't feel so bad. And I'm certainly not going to complain about having a four day weekend in Edmonton with the family. We have our family Christmas party on Saturday, and so there are plenty of things to do -- baking and housecleaning and such. It'll be a great time.
No word yet on where my amendment is. I haven't signed it yet, so I'm not too sure. But it should be coming to me shortly I would think, and then to the province.
I am sooooooo looking forward to the holidays! The stretch from September to Christmas can be a long one, but after Christmas, it's broken up quite nicely: Teacher's Convention, Spring break, and then the end-of-year push. And when my girl comes, I am done here. I can't wait to return to the city (not for the city itself, but for the people who live there). I have to finish out the year here, to get my permanent teacher's certificate, but of course, there are no worries that my girl would come before the end of the school year. Hopefully by the end of the 2009 year, but even that I think is unlikely. It is hard not to be discourage by these ever-increasing time lines, but I have to acknowledge that the likelihood of me getting my referral before court closures is unlikely. Which also means I'll be stuck in the bottleneck of court dates and what-not. At this point, I just have to sigh and try to prepare myself for a long wait. However, I do think that if my Jonah is coming up to his 5th birthday when things finally go through with his sister, I will likely take him along, because at that age, and with such a significant event, he is bound to retain some memory of the trip.

I am not Buying a Baby.

2008-11-29T09:41:00.002-07:00

What do you do when someone, even with good intentions, offends you? It's a tricky question, because I certainly don't want them to feel bad, but I am really thinking that these sorts of things should be tactfully addressed rather than overlooked. I know for sure that when my girl is present, I will be a little more proactive, but I just don't know what to say. Especially if that someone is not someone I know well.
Yesterday, I was waiting around at school for another teacher's mom to arrive because she had brought from Edmonton a box that I forgot at my mam's last weekend. I had only met her once before, but she was kind enough to bring it back. When she arrived, I had been talking with her daughter, my colleague, about the adoption, and where I'm at and what still is ahead, and her mom started asking questions, which is fine -- I'm pretty much an open book. But one of the questions she asked was, "Is she expensive?" I know what she meant, and so I answered the question and didn't feel like we had the sort of rapport that would justify a lesson in tact, and so I let it go. But really, I'M NOT BUYING A BABY! Seriously. I'm trying not to be offended, but I kind of am.

HAR Amendment Complete

2008-11-27T20:07:00.002-07:00

I'm pleased to say that the amendment for my HAR that will allow me to accept a referral for a less-than-perfectly-healthy-but-still-all-vital-organs-functioning child is completed and will be signed off by ABC and then me, and then Anne at the province. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I know that the odds are I'll still get a referral for a healthy young 'un but I just wanted to make sure that my little girl is taken care of, even if she needs some extra help.
The one thing I was advised not to accept, from my doctor-friend who I talked to, was a baby born prematurely (way premature), because then there could be problems related to oxygen deprivation at birth. I had never really thought of that, and was glad to have talked to her about it. She said that even though a little one seems healthy at birth, all sorts of problems could come up later. I know this holds true with any child, but with babies born long before full-term, there are greater risks.
So now what? I should file my PRV paperwork right? I mean, I'm sure there's really no rush, but I would hate for my girl to have to wait on me. I'm less than a month into the wait, and there is a part of me thinking, "Wow, those three weeks went quick!" and then there's the other part of me thinking, "Huh. Only three weeks?" I should really stop checking in on my fellow bloggers so often! Maybe if I limited myself to only once a week, I would be forced to get a hobby to pass the time!
On an aside, congrats to Karen, whose paperwork is on its way to Nairobi She can finally say that she will be able to hold her Phoebe in her arms soon!

Silly Holiday Video

2008-11-25T21:07:00.001-07:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

My Mam and Us Girls

2008-11-25T20:29:00.001-07:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Moving On

2008-11-20T11:39:00.003-07:00

I've survived the week and parent-teacher interviews (I still have a couple, but they are spread out over the next week or so, so no problem), and am feeling on the upswing. I'm bagged though -- out before ten last night. The general feedback I got from parents is that I need to filter what I say a bit better (fair) and that they would like updated progress reports on a regular basis (also fair). All in all it went well, and since I generally respond well to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, I have no doubt that the next round of interviews will go more smoothly.
Other than that, I’m staring down the pipe at a 4-day weekend (well, tomorrow is a PD but I don’t have to teach). Oh, Yeah!!!
My thoughts, now that the main chaos of report cards and parent-teacher interviews has died down is that I just need to keep on going, persevere, learn from my mistakes and plug on.

Boy of Many Faces

2008-11-17T22:41:00.009-07:00

I have been meaning to post these pics from the last week of October. I picked up a $1 pack of face paints -- perhaps the best dollar I've ever spent. Here are the many faces of my favorite boy:

Arr.

A Pirate and his Gold
Frieda.

Actually that last one was the start of this (Mr. Incredible),

but it was so funny, I had to take a pic.

Spiderman.

Wearing his sister's new hat ("No more pictures please!")

Cranky (and Griping -- Sorry).

2008-11-16T21:50:00.003-07:00

I'm not ready for the weekend to end. It's just so nice to... not work. I've said it's been tough lately, and it really has. I'm not a perfect teacher -- I'm not sure such a person exists -- but I work really hard and run a tight ship and genuinely like my kids and want great things for them. But somehow, it's not enough. Unless kids are passing with excellence, there seem to be complaints from parents, that I am simply a poor teacher. I know this isn't true, but it is still so discouraging. If a student is missing an assignment, it is not only my job to inform them of this (which I do), but apparently it is also up to me to give up all my lunches to keep them in, and not only that, but hunt them down when inevitably they dodge the work-DT, and if that fails, I should be calling parents. Are you freakin kidding me? Do parents understand how many students I have, and how much this is asking of me? If they do, they do not care.
And I can't help but wonder, where is the parents' sense of responsibility? I'll happily sign any agenda I'm asked to, but less than 1% of parents ask me to do so, so that they know what students have for homework in my class. And I know my students (that parents are complaining on behalf of) are 12, but seriously, they have to learn responsibility for themselves too. That, as far as I am concerned is what the first term of junior high is for! After years of having teachers hold their hands and wipe their noses, they are given a chance at independence. And yes, most bomb this first, but they also bounce back! If they don't do as well as they think they should, most realize that they have to be doing more. Lesson learned, responsibility increases, all is well. Except for me, apparently. So I am actually dealing with a hoard of angry parents, led by one crazy bully, who cannot end a parent-teacher meeting on a high, despite my ability to spin things for the positive. So frustrating!
There is talk of a rec center being built in town, and seriously, I hope it goes. Because these people need a damn hobby! I understand that there is not much to do here, but spreading rumors about teachers and organizing meetings to justify teacher-bashing under the guise of bettering students' education? Give me a break. No wonder they have such a hard time keeping teachers. They've got me ready to run.
Anyway. I know it doesn't help to gripe, but I am just so frustrated. And stressed. I lost five pounds last week from the anxiety of my job. I woke up nauseated everyday, thinking about having to go in there. I would love to call in sick, and take a mental health day, but planning for subs and dealing with the aftermath... it's just not worth it.
Sigh... what to do? Move to the coast and open a bed and breakfast. Huh. For an off-the-cuff thought, that was not bad.

"Hey Mam! That Man Has a Baby in His Belly!"

2008-11-13T19:39:00.002-07:00

This was actually the worst week in my teaching career. The mob of parents with pitchforks and the bullying mentality of a couple and the sheep-like tendancies of others peeve me off! It is making me second-guess my choice of career.
On the up side, we were at the hospital on Tuesday, and Jonah calls out, "Hey mam! That man has a baby in his belly!" The guy didn't look our way, but I can't believe he didn't hear it. Yikes. And how can you redeem yourself after that? So we had a little chat about how even if a man has a big belly, there is never a baby in there. He just likes to eat. And if a lady has a big belly she may have a baby in there, but maybe she just likes to eat too, so we don't say anything. I don't know if it'll stick, but here's hoping. He's been around so many babies and prenant gals lately I guess it must be on his mind!

The Waiting (and Shopping) Begins

2008-11-10T19:51:00.009-07:00

I'm anticipating this wait, and even though I hope that I am laid back enough to be patient, and busy enough to keep this referral out of the surface of my mind, I do think that for sure the last couple of months will be rough. Especially if it takes more than seven months. Because then I'll be caught in court. I'm trying not to stress about it, but when I see people post updates that their little ones are another month older -- I don't know how they cope. I think it'll be very hard to see my sweet girl grow up in pictures.

But I've joined the ranks of the expecting. And so I'll engage in another "waiting" pastime: shopping. I love ebay. Especially when you can buy used kids clothes, because, really, how worn do they get? And hardly anyone bids on them, so you can get some sweet deals. Here are the latest buys (and to my mam and sister, if you are reading this, I don't buy stuff on ebay too often):

Here's a cute little outfit. Everything I got with these is cupcakey.

And this matches.

And so does this.

And this too.

These sweet riding-style pants came with a bonus matching shirt.

And this one is just a different color.

This is one of my favorites. It was actually new and is sooooo soft.

I'm imagining a couple of poofy pigtails sticking out the bottom.

So there we go. And now, for the rest of the month, I will pass the time writing my Novella. Gotta do something to pass the time, right?