A Decision and a Final Wish

I finally called NIA. I've been so anxious about the process and lack of progress, and really, just needed a human voice on the other end of the line, to let me know that, in fact, things are continuing. That someone is actually there working. I talked to Jo Ann, about time lines and policy and my desire to do missions.
I've been thinking and planning on doing missions when my parental leave is finished. Only, it keeps getting pushed back, what with delays, and I've been frustrated because I've felt like I have to choose between missions (serving God) and this adoption (serving me). And I don't want to choose, basically. I know I should just choose God, but I've invested a lot, and don't want to walk away from my girl. It's hard to explain how I feel, exactly, except that I'm just edgy. I'm putting God on hold. I don't like it, and I've done it before (not good), and I'm just hoping the second coming doesn't happen while I'm doing it. Okay, an now my non-Christian readers officially think I'm crazy. I don't care.
So I talked to Jo Ann about it, and she said it'll be a while (like a year, maybe) before my referral comes. No surprise there. And so if I want to do missions, well, I have to be in Canada to accept the referral, but otherwise, I can go. So I'm applying. I'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll have to come back once my referral comes; maybe I'll have to put my adoption on hold; maybe I won't even find a suitable missions job right away. Whatever. I'm leaving it in God's hands now. I'll do my thing and His thing. It's not the most easy, convenient way, but such is life. God's way is rarely the easiest.
And having made the decision, the truth is, my heart is lighter. Sort of. Except for the missions brochure I read yesterday that told me I have to let them know my Final Wish: if I want to be buried abroad or have my body shipped home in case of death. A fair question, but one that elicited a nervous laugh from me. Anyway, what will be will be. I'm tucking up again; getting ready to roll with the punches (and there's bound to be a few).
Wish me luck!

I Don't Know.

So much about this whole process has been filled with uncertainty. The bankruptcy, the new court policy requiring parents to now be at court... I'm honestly waiting for them to pass legislation disallowing single women from adopting. I don't even want to think about it, but I am now so on edge about this adoption.
For the first time since the summer/ bankruptcy, I honestly don't know if this is the end for me. I want to be positive and let it roll off my back, but I'm under so much weight and stress from this whole thing, that I'm crushed flat. I bawled my eyes out on Friday. I did not know how I could go on, given the new policy. I don't have the money. I'm in debt up to my eyes and just feel so overwhelmed by it. When this first started, I thought it'd be about 20000, including travel. And now, add to that another 4000 for bankruptcy and 5000 for travelling twice. Wow. That is a huge difference.
It shouldn't be about the money. But how can it not be? 29000 is almost half of what I paid for my house! Yes I live in the sticks. I have a few days to decide, because I still have to fork out 2000 this month for my last (so they say) agency fee. I don't honestly know if I can hang on much longer. What with orphanages not sending referrals, and increasing costs, and the ever-looming threat of changing policy to exclude single women from adopting... I'm a wreck. Can I hang on for another year for a referral? I doubt it.
The stupid thing is that my whole heart wants to be doing missions work right now. I'm waiting until this adoption is through to go and do it, because I can't do an adoption when I'm not living in Canada, according to agency protocol. But if I were living and serving in Africa, I could probably adopt, oh, next month! But I can't walk away from this. It's like I'm stuck in the mud. I can't move at all.
I know that in the end, I'll soldier on. Really, do I have much choice, when I'm in it so deep already? But this is getting to be too much.
On the upside, I've realized I need to distract myself, and with this month's free preview of the DIY Network, I have decide to take on a series of projects to keep me sane. I'm starting a new blog, where you can check in with what I'm doing while I wait, and wait,, and panic, and throw up a little, and cry, and wait. Here it is, though I haven't really started: melissaneedsahobby.blogspot.com

Small Heart Attack

Wow. This is really big news. Really. Big. News. I don't know what this will mean when my time comes, but I am suddenly a lot more anxious about pestering the government to pick up the damn pace in Nairobi and get proper staffing so we will only require one long trip. Oh my. Here is a snippet of the email I received this morning:
"On March 10, 2010 a notice was posted at the Federal Court of Ethiopia stating that all adoption agencies would be required to have prospective adoptive parent(s) appear in court for the adoption hearing. The Adoption Agencies in Ethiopia received no notification of this notice."
Yeah. I'm actually stressing about his most recent change to the system. I don't really understand why I have to be there if I have a lawyer there to represent me. And actually, I don't even mind being there, except that if immigration keeps dragging their heels like they have been know to, it'll mean a very long, very expensive, unpaid time in Ethiopia. Sigh. What next?

Renewed

We had Teachers' Convention this past week, and I am feeling energized and ready to power through to the end of the school year. I am throwing out testing in my Social 6 class, as the studies show that testing students causes teachers to teach to the test, which in turn does not allow students the same depth of learning as if they had no tests. Apparently in Japan, the government tried to institute achievement tests and the teachers rebelled. Refused to break the cellophane. And so they were not implemented, and haven't been. And the Japanese system is one to look at for in-depth understanding by students. We're upping the number of projects, and decreasing the amount of reading from the text. The text is a reference. Not a Bible. So we'll see how this goes, and how many frantic parents call.
A great site for teachers, if you happen to be one, is BigHugeLabs. I love it. So many things you can do with the programs on that site. I'm using the magazine maker to have students research and present a Current Events news story. And they are pumped about it! I had a line up of students asking if they could go first! Now that is good news to me!
Slow progress on the adoption front, but I've got my emotions in check and I don't think the wait will kill me any time soon. I have other things to worry about now -- like revamping my entire year plan! I'll post again once I've dug my way out of curriculum!